IED

An IED (Intrauterine Explosive Device) is an improvised contraceptive used by terrorists. It is essentially a bomb that goes off during the reproductive act, blowing apart both sets of genitals and preventing fertilization.

History and development

Following the actions of a few rogue terrorists on 9/11 the United States of America declared war on all Muslims except its own president and the world has been shaken to its core and the old order changed forever. American soldiers run rampant across most of the Muslim world, killing, maiming, torturing and raping. This egregious behavior has been legitimized by Presidential decree and the war machine has turned its energies to producing new and more awful ways of bringing misery and despair to the Muslim world.

Many new ‘tools of democracy’ have been brought into use, including extraordinary rendition, relaxed Rules of Engagement allowing troops to fire at random civilians, bombing of wedding receptions and the invention of new peacekeeping aids. Of particular nastiness are the remote controlled stealth aircraft known as Raper drones. Rapers can be operated by a teenage boy from his bedroom in New Mexico and still deliver a payload of sperm to a potential rapee in Afghanistan between his cornflakes and coffee.

A raper drone blasts off

In the actual theatre of operations though, there’s no substitute for infantry. An infantryman can take and hold a vagina, where a drone can only squirt at it and then bugger off. So battalions of young American men have been have been sent out to kill the men, rape the women and marry the sheep of Afghanistan.

Of course, the innocent victims (known as militants) have tried to fight back against the overpowering technological superiority of the murderous invaders using asymmetric sexual techniques. The most dangerous of these is the IED, or Intrauterine Explosive Device. These devices consist of a small wiggly worm shaped piece of explosive and a reactive (contraindicative) jelly.

Method of Use

A typical Afghani woman prepares to insert the device

The IED is inserted into the vaginal cavity and the female carrier is sent to stand by the road, where the first passing GI will attempt to rape her. The device is quite large (around 8 inches / 35 cm) so even a typically tiny American willy can trigger it. The actual triggering mechanism is widely known, especially to the Afghani inventors of the device, but the American Department of Homeland Security (fat wankers with badges) object to it being described herein, as the Afghans who use these devices could then discover how they do what they already do.

IEDs were originally designed solely for female use, but as the Afghanis noticed the American preference for a fresh, warm bum, the devices were pressed into intra-anal use, and have proven a popular and fun way of blowing up marauding invaders.

Political impact

The American Republican Party is totally against the use of IEDs as they go counter to the rights of Americans to indulge in legitimate rape If it's legitimate then Americans should be allowed to do it, otherwise why is it called ‘legitimate’?

Democrats are also against IEDs in principle, but also are ideologically opposed to any interference with a woman’s right to choose to blow apart her own muff if she wants to.

Ron Paul seems to be the only sane politician in America and he just thinks that American soldiers should probably not be sent thousands of miles away to kill and torture foreigners anyway.

Israel has seized another few hundreds of square miles of Palestinian land in reprisal, and in order to facilitate a negotiated peace with the Arabic squatters on Israel's historic and G*d-given land.

Counter measures

There are several possible counter-measures being considered.

Not raping foreigners

Although this method would have an immediate impact and a presumed 100% success rate it has been dismissed as impractical. Keeping American soldiers from unlawful acts of rape and murder is like keeping ice cream in the oven.

Steel condoms

The steel condom was invented by Stark Industries for use by its spokesman Iron Man. In actual combat situations though, its weight and tendency to rust have made it unpopular with the rapist regiments.

Bromine tea

Designed to remove the urge and ability to rape, bromine tea causes impotence, flaccidity, droopiness and sexual apathy. This counter-measure was rejected on the basis that “If we can’t fuck ‘em, why are we here?”