From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Barack Obama?

A drone is an unmanned vehicle. There are several classes, those that fly, those that float and those that crawl on the land. Most drones are used to go places a human could not, or to go there cheaper than a human could, or to do things no human should do. The vast majority of drones serve a single purpose; the killing of innocent Muslims, usually at wedding parties.

Al ==History and development==

The first drones were actually gliders, towed behind a real aeroplane. While this may sound pointless, after all, you already had an aeroplane, it was actually a great idea. These unmanned planes looked and acted like the real thing, but were way cheaper to make, as they didn’t need controls, seat belts, trolley dollies (cabin crew) or in-flight movies. Of course they were also totally useless except as an expensive alternative to kamikaze bombing that allowed the pilots seat to be filled with a couple extra pounds of explosives. Despite being remotely operated from a nearby mothership the first drones still needed a pilot crew inside in order to get air born who had to parachute out, and the self-destruct mechanism had a bit of a hair trigger in the case of Joseph P. Kennedy.

However a great idea won’t stay dead. Israel has always taken the lead in new ways of trying to outdo the Nazis, and developed drones for use in the Yummy Kipper war. These were actually just remote-controlled fake fighter planes, but the Egyptians shot them down as though they were the real thing. Only problem for the Egyptians was that their rockets cost about 100,000 Egyptian Pounds to make, and the drones cost only 25 Shekels a piece. Essentially Israel won the war by canny trading.

A WASP disguised as a bee.

Israel also pioneered the micro-miniaturised spy drone known as Wireless Autonomous Spy Plane (WASP). Following that success Israel further developed armed drones for killing Muslims, and that has remained their (both Israel's and the drones) primary purpose to this day.

After 9/11 the American government needed to find new ways of killing Muslims. Unable to punish the terrorists who crashed into the twin towers America decided to just kill any Muslims, after all, they are all as guilty as each other right? At first it was thought necessary to attack Saudi Arabia, where most of the 9/11 hijackers came from, but that was inconvenient and rude, so America chose the one Arab nation that was implacably opposed to Al Qaeda, Iraq.

The Iraq attack began with an operation called Shock and Awe, because it was shocking how awful GW Bush was. While quite successful, Shock and Awe only killed a few hundred innocent civilians, and at an enormous cost. It quickly became obvious that America needed to kill civilians a lot faster and Operation Enduring Iraqi Freedom (Yes, really. Incredible isn’t it?) was launched. Operation Enduring Iraqi Freedom was a great success, and approximately 80% of the Iraqis killed were civilians, but still, 20% of bullets were wasted on ‘insurgents’.

In this phase of the war two major events contributed to the development of aerial drones: Firstly the need to attack wedding parties out in small villages where it took ages to drive out there and shoot them, and secondly the shortage of civilian targets in Iraq led to the need to attack and invade Afghanistan, where nearly everyone was a civilian.

Drone operators do not have to conform the the usual high standards of dress and fitness that other soldiers must.

It was quickly obvious that a spotty teenager with an Xbox controller could whack an entire wedding party between packets of cornstarch-based cheese-flavoured snacks. At the same time the sheer unpleasantness of Afghanistan was a major deterrent to troops wanting to go a-hunting civilians in those rocky, barren wastes. Do you know the average distance between bars in Afghanistan? It’s a lot.

So the scene was set for what has become known as asymmetric warfare. This is where one of the good guys kills lots of the bad guys, or vice versa, which doesn’t mean that lots of bad guys kill one good guy, necessarily, but is more like 9/11 where a small bunch of bad guys killed a lot of good guys.

Use in warfare[edit]

Currently America has only three types of aerial drone:

Unarmed Reconnaissance drones
These are essentially a remote-controlled plane or helicopter with a cheap camera fitted. You can see many different types near any nudist beach.
The Predator attack drone
This is the most famous hands-off murder weapon currently in use. Predator attacks have killed thousands of innocents across the middle east. The most applauded innovation in this area came with the 'double tap' process where a drone fires a Hellfire missle at a school or dwelling, and then hides for a while until the emergency services and other concerned citizens come to aid the wounded and then the drone fires another missile, thus guaranteeing that those killed are the bravest, kindest and most helpful citizens.
Menagerie of Micro Aerial Vehicles
The air force is currently hard at work building a veritable Noah’s ark of mechanical animals. An imposter pigeon that can draw electricity from power lines, spiders that can crawl into the cracks of rubble and swarms of chemical injecting bees are all coming soon to a middle eastern theatre near you. Why just imagine a mecha mosquito that carries a drop of blood to inject into the enemy in order to infect them with a contagious illnesses like AIDS or bubonic plague, what could possibly go wrong?

Drone ownership[edit]

A fearsome drone train.

America and Israel both have large numbers of aerial drones. Iran has a few that it captured from America and Israel, and has boasted that it is building its own, using these captives as templates. While normally providing weapons to the enemy is looked at as treason unless it's for hostages, because the flying robot was lost on accident it doesn't count as a capital offense, sort of like how if the cops accidentally run someone over during a high speed chase it's not vehicular homicide. In all about 50 countries have drones, but some of these, like the Pakistani type, are simple kites with a small child attached, carrying a camera, bomb or gun.

American arms manufacturers were quick to jump onto the drone bandwagon (actually, it’s an autonomous musical troupe carrier) and have produced remote-controlled tanks, refrigerators, WV Beetles, and even drone railways trains.