Protocols of the Elders of Zimmerman

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

The Protocols of the Elders of Zimmerman is a text purporting to describe a plan to achieve global domination and anarcho-syndicalism on the part of Bob Dylan.


In order to achieve world domination, Bob Dylan has had to wait till all of his hair has fallen out, has had to put on a suit, and has had to learn how to fucking smile.

The book takes the form of an instruction manual to a new member of the "Elders of Zimmerman," describing how Bob Dylan will run the world through control of the music industry, and replace the traditional social order with one based on highly nasalized and/or mumbled singing that will make all of the world's political, financial, and religious leaders disappear for all time under their beds with their hands over their ears, except Jimmy Carter. Then Dylan will enter the power vacuum and take over the world.

The True Origin[edit]

A secret investigation ordered by MTV has determined that the Protocols are a fraud authored in California by operatives of Neil Young. Young is trying to make it look as if Dylan is the one trying to replace the traditional social order with one based on highly nasalized singing, in order to throw the suspicion off Young.

The Nazi Theory[edit]

According to another popular theory, Adolf Hitler hated Dylan's singing so much that he ordered the writing and dissemination of the Protocols in order to give the Germans an excuse to gas Bob Dylan six million times.

Pat Buchanan Speaks Out[edit]

Pat Buchanan, the noted American theologian who heads the Anti-Semitic Singing Department at the University of the South, has written the following about the Protocols:

The book proves that the Learned Elders of Zimmerman do indeed exist. It proves that Bob Dylan knows all about them. It proves that the desire for a Dylan concert in Palestine is only camouflage and an infinitesimal part of Dylan's real object, which is to grab land for the establishment of his own homeland, where everyone will be forced to listen to his horrible nasaziled singing and mumbled lyrics until he gets bombed out of existence. The way he's drinking, he should be getting bombed out of existence pretty soon anyway. The Protocols also demonstrate that Dylan is now a world menace, and that the Aryan races will have to domicile him permanently in Woodstock. I'm talkin' some pretty heavy blood on the tracks here, baby.

Dylan's Step-by-Step Plan for World Domination[edit]

  • Love
  • Theft
  • Announce that the times they are a-changin
  • Seal off and take over Highway 61
  • Bomb on Bomb
  • Hit world with greatest hits (three volumes, including one double)
  • Create Planet Waves
  • Before the flood, spill blood on the tracks
  • Disseminate basement tapes
  • Cause a hard rain
  • Assassinate John Wesley Harding
  • Break just like a little girl
  • Put the whole world to sleep with his Frank Sinatra cover albums
  • Make use of the most covert weapon: the motorpsycho 'nitemare', which combines bad spelling, Fidel's Beard and Shower Murders, Tony Perkins hidden psycho is unleashed.