HowTo:Start a War

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A loyal army, ready to do their master's bidding.

Before reading this article, be sure that you have enough influence, political, economical or other, over the people you want to start a war with. If you want to start a World War, being German helps, too. Otherwise we recommend HowTo:Become a Terrorist, which is a much lighter read. Actually, there's seems to be no such article. I wonder if there's some reason to that? Anyway, dear westerner, starting a war is not for the light-hearted, so think and feel big. Additionally, you must remember that usually warring involves killing lots of people, so if you have an issue with f.e. capital punishment you might want to reconsider. But of course, capital punishment is something you do on your side, so there is no real issue. Agreed? OK, you think that there should be less people around. The pope might disagree with you, but many believe little people are different from adults.

If you're continuing to read this, you must be as sick as I am of all this annoying peace recently. And whether you suffer from an extreme case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, have a vendetta against a country, or are just after that person who forgot to pay you that $2.00 he owed you in back sixth grade and just moved away, and you were so pissed off that you decided to consult a random person on how to dust his ass, while making sure to cause a lot of collateral damage in the process, this guide is definitely for you.

Is War for You?[edit]

Think about it. War, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing (other than fun, power, fame, money, farting, etc). At the risk of repeating myself, what IS it good for? Absolutely nothing. Words enshrined by Frankie of Hollywood fame, a recent disciple of Edwin Staff (no relation to Freddie Star who ate my hamster).

Before you go off and kick ass, just sit down and take a moment to reflect. “Why do I want to start war?” “Is there an easier way?” “Will this eventually lead to my demise?” If you can’t answer any of these, then don’t read another word until you can. If you did, or just said “fuck that!” to all of them, then congratulations, it’s war time!

Who to Attack[edit]

Now that you know war is what you want, we’ll move on to your target. Who is it that will feel your wrath? England? America? Poland? Lithuania? Regardless of who it is, except for France, you need your target to be big (i.e. not “little Timmy’s tree house"), preferably a country or race of people. Before choosing, ask yourself things like: “Was I ever hurt or offended in any way by them?” “Are they even worth attacking?” “Do they have something that I want and refuse to give it to me?” “Is God going to smite me?(and yes, he is)”If for these you have definite answers for, then we’ll move on. If you have any issues on who to attack, just attack France, as they have NEVER won a war. Ever. So you will win, no matter what!! However, if you decide to invade France, countries that have defeated them, such as Italy, England, Spain,Germany, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Algeria, Haiti, Japan, Thailand, Morocco, Tunisia, Mexico, Austria, Turkey, and that guy who took tae-kwon-do for a week, may not respect you.:)

same army, just seconds after first contact

When to Attack[edit]

Since you’ve got the who, now we’ll move on to the when. If you say “midnight”, “Christmas”, “High Noon”, or “July 10th”, then I’ll kill you myself, but if you have something different in mind, then let’s proceed.

There are two optimal times to attack:

  1. Your opponent's holy days: They will never fight back on holy days. This strategy has worked for numerous regimes in history from the Arabs attacking Israel on Yom Kippur during the Yom Kippur War to The Hessians attacking George Washington on President's Day during the Revolutionary War.
  2. Your own holy days: They will never expect an attack on your own holy day. They'll expect you to be shit-faced from kitten huffing all night. Imagine the surprise when you show up guns blazing and pwn them. This strategy has been used by Al-Qaeda attacking New York on 9/11, the holiest day of the Islamic calendar and by the North Vietnamese Army attacking the South Vietnamese on North Vietnam day during the Vietnam War. And it was also used when the French citizens revolted and symbolically stormed the Bastille on the French holiday Bastille Day.

Getting the Word Out[edit]

Okay, you’ve got your target, your attack date, and your cause, now to get the word out. If you’re the type that likes to sneak in and kill everyone in their sleep (the Trojan method), then just skip this step. However, if you feel that the whole world should know of your impending assault, then here are some suggestions for doing so: 1. Hijack a television station and broadcast your evil message. 2. Airdrop thousands of full page, hi def photos of your naked ass over the target. Remember, the higher the resolution of the photo, the more scared they will be. No one is going to fear a shabby grayscale photo of someone's pooper on cheap, neon yellow copy paper. 3. Kill the leader of your intended target, in order to cause massive chaos. 4. Hire thousands of homeless people to scream out your entire plan, down to the smallest detail, on random street corners. If these suggestions aren’t for you, then think of you own (I’m not your damn idea generator!).

Assembling an Army[edit]

Yeah, this step’s kind of important. I guess I should have put it in earlier (my bad). Anyway, you’ll need a big, loyal, and deadly army to cause any significant damage. But you’re probably wondering: “Where do I recruit solders?” Well, isn’t it obvious? Televangelism. Just hire someone to lace your plan with words like “Jesus”, “God", and ”salvation”. Trust me, within a week, your ranks will be swelling with people eager to “spread the word (by which I mean kill thousands of innocents)”. Note: If you do this step, you will go to hell! Just thought you’d like to know.

You Have Numerous Options For Soldiers

The Best Soldiers are:

  1. Rednecks with beer and weapons.
  2. The British Redcoats
  3. AP Latin IV students at KHS
  4. Unholy Crusaders
  5. People who have just Kitten Huffed
  6. Chimpanzees with Rifles
  7. Sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads
  8. Mexicans to whom you promise US citizenship
  9. Anyone with a last name that sounds like penis (Then you can yell "Major Dick get over here!")
  10. Brian Boitano
  11. Ninja-wizards and bears that shoot laser beams out of their eyes.
  12. Any type of jib, 1337 agent on crack, ATP agents on crack and 2 million jib clones
  13. Chuck Norris (However, this is not recommended, he will most likely round house kick you to the face before the war even starts. He is better used as a Doomsday Weapon.)
  14. 300 Spartans
  15. 400 Babies!
  16. 30 Spartans that just drank Powerthirst Energy Drink. Issue 30 swords, 30 shields, and 12000 sets of baby clothes.
  17. You wouldn't like this one lets skip it
  18. Get a copy of the Necronomicon from any book store and summon an army of undead (this does not work against Ash ).
  19. Grues (However, if you elect to use this method, you must supply your army with kittens)

Optional: Get a Doomsday Weapon[edit]

Depending on who your enemies are, a Doomsday weapon can either prevent your demise even before the fireworks begin, help to ensure that both sides will have a long-drawn battle involving lots of human deaths, or even let you play mind games with your enemies, demoralizing them with the fact that you could have killed them fast, but choose not to. Many traditionalists prefer to use the nuclear bomb, but if you're willing to spend your funds on forever altering political zones, why not spend it on something fancier?

frig them up with a candy cane


Now you’re ready; you’ve got your army, your cause, and your will, so have at

See also[edit]