Shark
Sharks (also known as Skonarf in some dialects) are highly ambitious human beings, who have evolved past the conventional need for legs and arms, and into underwater apex predators, through sheer force of will. They are capable of swimming at thousands of miles per hour, singing in musicals, seeing in the dark or with their eyes closed, and camouflaging so well that their backdrops begin to look out of place. They can accomplish the most daunting of human tasks within minutes, dodge gravity, fart fire and reproduce through masturbation. Their diet consists of everything, including stones, animals above them in the food chain, and emotions.
Origins of the shark[edit]
Sharks have been attacking humans for over five million years. When swimming, it is an idea to put meat on your wetsuit so that it will repel them. Additionally sharks hate blood in the water, chumming the water will repel the most agressive sharks. Sharks have been evolving since the late 1700's. The shark, the killer of the deep, the dominant predator of the ocean, feared by all who see it, once was the most powerful animal in the world. The shark had long ago walked the earth as man does today. The shark was a very advanced race they had very advanced laze-are technology which was even more advanced than the X-Box 360 Elite. With their technology they created huge societies and powerful weapons to combat their rivals “The Giant Chickens”. The sharks use to control the entire southeastern hemisphere which was pretty much Australia. But the humans kicked the sharks in the dorsal fin goodbye. The sharks also use to play children’s card games to decide laws which somehow seemed to work.
They had many wars like the Sunday paper war of 457 S.E (Shark era) the sharks lost that war, and there was world war zero in 737 S.E where the sharks, toucans and the French allied against the chickens, Canadians and Gordon Ramsey. The sharks were victorious. The sharks were inventors of many things such as the flying potato, electric guitar, the planet Mercury, Little Debby and pencils. Sharks were also the first species to find life on other planets in which they destroyed those species in a very laz-arey way with disco music. The down fall of the sharks was due to a species of a planet known as planet Sparta. The Spartans arrived on earth with the main goal of killing and screaming “this is Sparta!!!” The Spartans attacked the shark capital of Boise with nothing but basic army equipment a cape, a sword and shield and a very tight undergarment. The sharks attacked with their super beaming laz-are weapons but the laz-ares were ineffective the continuous screaming of “this is Sparta!!!” broke the waves which the laz-are beams traveled thus a constant slaughter of sharks commenced. The sharks eventually were forced to flee towards the sea. Over the years the shark evolved into a state bound to water and their laz-are technology was used to make clothing for the Spartans. The Spartans were taken down by Leonard Cohen with a can opener. So the sharks live to this day in the in the seas of earth defending Leonard Cohen from clams and shrimp in the water. (he hates them).
According to Greek mythology, Poseidon was fed up with the homo mermen and decided to create an army of henchmen to eliminate them. Thus, he began to create creatures with jagged teeth and rough scales(sharks). This led to the extinction on mermen.
Shark Crab[edit]
The Shark Crab is a plated crustacean closley resembling a shark. They live in the Marianas Trench at a depth of about 20,000 leagues. although shy, they are known to be found in the outer banks of north carolina. Latin name Sharkus Crabulous. They are highly researched, and used for special covert opp CIA (central intelligence agency) missions. there is little known information on these creatures, so if you see them, report them to the athourities for further scientific research. | author=John A. Musick | publisher=FAO: Fisheries and Aquaculture Department | accessdate=2008-03-16 | year=2005}}</ref>[22]
Sobering Thought[edit]
- In 2004, Sharks killed 11.9999999 Humans (Source: [1])
- In 2004, Humans killed more than 12 Sharks (Source: [2])
- In 2005, The Great Shark wars destroyed every last cute and cuddly dolphin.
- In 2002, Sharks painted the toenails of more than 450.2 blonde beach babes. (The .2 is to include Paris Hilton )
- In 2009 Reknowned scientist Jesse Gearhart discovered a small clan of new sharks evolving through the use of stencils and paper hats
Species[edit]
There are many species of sharks. Here are some examples.
Land Shark[edit]
The land shark is the cleverest of all sharks. Unlike the great white, which tends to inhabit the waters of harbors and recreational beach areas, the land shark may strike at any place, any time. It is capable of mimicing human speech, and generally preys on young, single she-men. Experts at the University of Miami's Oceanographic Institute suggest that the best way to scare off the shark in the event of an attack is to hit or punch the predator in the nose or to not answer the door.The land shark also featured in the gayest fantasy adventure 'blue dragon'
The Land Shark's diet includes humans, My Little Ponies, Care Bears, Spice Girls, Hippies, Wheel of Fortune contestants and anyone else dumb enough to open the door without checking the peephole first.
Now for the weather..watch out for their land shit.
Bad Shark[edit]
A bad shark is the opposite of a good shark. Bad sharks tend to live in waters filled to the brim with young children and people with silly hats. Growing to about 19 and 3/4 hands, they seem like a childish version of jackie chan. Most bad sharks tend to excrete near furniture and other human made objects so its good to build cautiously. When encoutering a bad shark its best to hit it on the head and yell "BAD SHARK!" as this usally is enough to startle them and make them go home and there rethink their life. Reknowned scientist Jesse Gearhart says: "The red panda is known for being docile thus it is quite popular with the ladys." This isnt the warning told by the USDA. Others include dont drink the water, move your feet lose your seat, and wash your hands before we eat dinner. When at a beach or a very large pool, look for a warning sign.
Loan Shark[edit]
Loan sharks are a very rare breed of shark, but equally are one of the more intelligent species. Utilising their laze-are technology of the past Shark Eras, Loan Sharks have been able to solve the mere humans' debt situations. A loan shark will loan it's unsuspecting prey some degree of money, captial, or baked beans, and when the time is right, strike with it's awesomeness to subdue it's prey.
It is not unheard of that Loan and Card sharks often compete for business empires. In one instance, the Loan and Card shark species united against the Bikers and the Vic Vance empire to try and kick ass. Unfortunately for them, the lonely, slightly overweight teenage boy playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories took over the Sharks' empire. Just goes to show why the humans won the fight the first time round, sharks.
Card Shark[edit]
A subspecies of Land Shark, this notorious fish is often spotted in casinos and saloons depending on the status of the individual. The most damage dealt by one was 50,000 dollars in high stake Texas Hold-Em. Modified fins for holding paper money and cards. Has uncanny knowledge of mathematics.
Moon Shark[edit]
Surprisingly only found in orbit around certain planets, the Moon Shark is well known for its ability to survive for years without food, water or oxygen. How this is achieved is not known. A Moon Shark will lie in wait for any passing food source - including rocks, monkeys, dead monkeys, dead rocks and the American military - while slowly orbiting its planet of choice. Among certain cultures a Full Moon (Shark) is seen as a bad sign, often meaning death. Rumours that moon sharks were responsible for the damage to Apollo 13 are unconfirmed
Flying shark[edit]
The flying shark, also called the Air Shark, is a relative of the land shark. Most, but not all, have frickin' laser beams on their frickin' heads which they use to zap their frickin' prey,(COOL) along with any innocent passers-by. The flying shark was the symbol for the Whig party, however the frickin' laser on his frickin' head was replaced with one of those frickin' old white wigs (groan).
Did You Know?[edit]
- The name 'shark' is a misnomer. Sharks are very worried about looking cool at all times, and they constantly say to each other "Sharp!" as a greeting and indication of how they look. A Lack of lips and the resulting thpeech impediment has resulted in the garbled "Shark!". Hence, the cause of 90% of all shark attacks is resentment of having their speech issues mocked. The other 10 percent is simply because they are bored and want something to do. A shark's natural diet consists of kittens, 16 year olds, starfish, and barefeet.
- Over $9,000 million dollars in loans were made by sharks in New York. It was a choice between them or bankers.
- When not hard at work, sharks can usually be found crowded around pool tables in local bars.
- Sharks do not eat lawyers. Professional courtesy.
- Shark vagina is a delicacy in Mombasa
- Morgan Slevakiangchuiyiichi III (aka homosharkien)has been named the n00b of all Sharks, and is planning a takeover of the human race.
- A new form of fuel is being invented right now that is powered by sharks.
- The shark, while atop a bear, is considered the Deadliest animal ever.
- Scientists estimate that there are more than 6 different species of sharks. Earlier estimates curiously included the Pink Fairy Armadillo and the White-faced Saki Monkey, but scientists later determined that these animals were in fact not sharks.
- Sharks have a strong preference to the taste of divers with flippers on, especially those holding steaks and dressed as seals.
- Using sharks as portable bowling alleys is very popular in the eastern parts of the west coast of Hungary.
- Sharks are currently waging a 1000 year war on dolphins
- Sharks are sharky (as in shark like)
- GameSharks aren't real sharks, though some of their behavior is similar.
- Scientists have successfully cloned a shark with the ability to read, write and shoot laser beams out of its head.
- Sharks have their own coat of arms depicting the current 100 year war on dolphins, pool tables and lots and lots of chum.
- Jack Thompson is a shark.
- It's a proven fact all sharks are bi curious
- There is a reality tv show in the works called shark factor
- There IS such a thing as a sharpoon. Created in 5076 bc it was the main form of hunting in the small islands of Micronesia. it is shaped like a normal whaling harpoon, but midway through flight the sharpoon explodes revealing a shark which then chomps the desired target leaving no room for mistake.
- Sharks are not related to Piranhas.
- Scientists have recently determined that sharks have teeth. However, most people in the scientific community cannot agree on what their primary use is. A 2009 multi-million dollar study at Princeton concluded that the shark uses its teeth to assist in regulating body temperature.
- I am also a shark.
- It is a little known fact that the shark's natural predator is terminal velocity.
Diet[edit]
Pretty much just about freakin anything. Sharks have been found with some weird stuff inside them. Ranging from vehicle license plates to tires, to that cool surfer guy you used to see hangin' around down by the dock where they have FUCK, an English major?
If it's edible it eats it!
Also they eat they're own legs if they can't find food. The albino sharks specialise in munching on bin liners and cadbury's toothpaste.
They have been known of eating humans just for joy, but they are specially keen on eating chubby boys.
Shark philosopy states: "EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT oh dude look! EAT EAT EAT and EAT some more
Shark speed[edit]
Sharks typically cruise at 5 mph but due to the 2012 half solar eclipse and the June 2012 Venus transit sharks can now swim up to 1560 mph. It is believed that the cause to this increase in speed is due to the day time changes ('da') and the night time ('ni') changes this created over a short period of time and assumption by sharks that they needed to capture more food over a shorter period of time. This effect is known now as the 'dani' effect, and attributed to an Australian shark cage diver, Hopeshe D's Getusfrid Ives, who first observed and recorded the effects.