|Someone seems to think that this article is Neutral. You can help Uncyclopedia by making it live or earthed.|
“What about the right humans?”
Human rights are a set of acts created by Western bureaucracy to protect terrorists 
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
Human rights state that you can do anything you want as long as you don't physically harm others human. A notoriously Communist booklet known as the Bible sums this principle up as "Thou shalt love thy brethren as thyself" meaning that we should abstain from doing to others what we would not love ourselves. This means that it is totally o.k. to torture and kill an animal for fun. In fact, torturing of animal is an affirmation of your human right. So do it often. If you can, do it every day. Moreover, racism or sexism is totally kosher as long as it does not manifest in physical violence. If black, Chinese, chicks or annoying kids want something from you, exercise your freedom of your speech to your fullest extent. It is your liberty to be an arsehole. That is what human right are all about. Moreover, if you fantasize about molesting underage boy or girl, make sure you do it with cartoon porn. Human rights protect and promote everyone's right to be a disgusting pervert and degenerate - or to yell at people because you think they are, and you think everyone should abide by your moral stances (human rights allow intolerance, as long as no one gets hurt). If anyone commits a crime against humanity by violating your right, it is your right and duty to retaliate. You must declare war, "invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." as good Anne says. Also getting naked in a church is a good example.
A human has the right to drink beer and bear piss at any place and any time of his or her will. Human must not be denied a chance to fart and urinate on other peoples' heads. Humans don't have to fall down staircases when being arrested. Zombies don't have rights in the US, however, some feminist groups dispute this claim as they too are undead, unholy abominations sent to us by Satan.
Known Human Rights (All of these are not applicable to African Americans or Women)
- You have the right not to be killed. Murder is a crime - unless it was done by a policeman or an aristocrat. If you happen to be working, and your arm gets crushed, causing a fatal aneurysm, then it's not your boss's fault, or the maintenance guy's, but your own stupid fault for not looking where you were going before you walked under the giant falling steel girder, idiot.
- You have the right to food money. That is if you don't mind a little investigation, humiliation, and (cross your fingers) rehabilitation.
- You have the right to free speech. As long as you're not dumb enough to actually try it.
- You have the right to remain silent (but they can still convict you if you use it).
- You have the right to shoot 12-year-olds' invading the internet. But they will attack you with the power of 1337 and h4xx0r your computer.
- It has been suggested in some quarters that this is not enough! If you are ever read your rights by a policeman, you are probably going to be murdered.
Historians still debate about who is the moron responsible for all the mess human rights have caused. Some say it was Himmler, some say it was Walt Disney. But only one thing is known for sure - human rights are bad.
Human rights have sub-divided even further into other specific branches of rights. For example, now many people also believe in women's rights as well. Which is tragic, as left-handed women feel marginalized by this trend.
It is widely believed that there is a radical terrorist group which tries to put into practice Human rights around the world. That group is known as politicians. They are some kind of mutant pseudo-humans who try to spread around the world. Somehow they relate those so-called "Human rights" with the right to dominate the world. It is believed that Human rights can be given to somebody using standard gene transmission practices. There are several facts which clearly prove this:
- All the so-called Human right protectors are politicians
- All the politicians have some genetics disease which damages their brain
- Politics is some blood-suckering syndrome
- All the politicians are relatives of the each other
- It is widely known that even a some country exists where politics genes are spread legally
- There are discovered several political works by George W. Bush, Zemaite, Adolf Hitler proving this.
So, it is clear that some secret organization of Human rights spreaders exists. And those Human rights are spread using sex or, sometimes, cloning. Or, sometimes, bombing.
- a - U.S.A.
- b - Economical problems
- c - Any country with worthy resources
- d - American bombs times 2, plus everyone else's bombs divided by eleventy-billion
- H - Human rights
Never ever go to a country that is said to "have problems with human rights" — especially if you have a problem with imprisonment without trial.
- ↑ See Human wrongs, for further detail on this subject.