Nicola Sturgeon

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Sturgeon watches as Salmond leaves the stage for the last time.

Nicola Sturgeon (Born 1970) is the current First Fringe of Scotland. She hopes to become Nicola, Queen of Scots and lead her country from the tyranny of England and break away from the 1707 Union which created the United Kingdom and made Robbie Burns cry into his empty whisky bottle.

Sturgeon succeeded Alex Salmond as leader of Scotland and the Scottish National Party in November 2014. The 'wee Lassie' has since trounced the Scottish Labour Party and dominated a recent political debate for party leaders in the May 2015 General Election campaign. This was the first time many people in England had seen her, though some required the sub title button as quite a few couldn't understand what she was talking about.

The Krankies[edit]

It took years for Nicola Sturgeon to live this comparison down.

Sturgeon comes from a long line of Scottish trawler folk in Ayrshire. Her short height led to comparisons to the popular Scottish comedy show The Krankies and speculation that her true calling was a humourist. Nicola instead decided to stick to politics and dodged up the SNP's chain of command to become deputy leader of her party and eventually, Deputy First Minister. When Salmond resigned after the Scots decided to stick with the Union in the Septemner 2014 referendum, the fat man stepped down and placed 'The Tartan Krankie' into the top post.

Her politics put her to the 'left' in the SNP spectrum. The party had in the past been known as the Tartan Tories and had held some views that were distinctly eccentric - like the re-introduction of the kilt for all men and short bread production for the women. The party has since moved on (apparently) and embraces Socialism, Conservatism, Liberalism and Sheer Bloody Mindness - all swept under the rug marked 'Scottish'.

Likes and Dislikes[edit]

Growing up in Scotland at the time when Margaret Thatcher was the British Prime Minister has made her very anti-anything that mentions 'London' and nuclear weapons. She would like Scotland to jettison everything English and send the nukes back south to be housed in Surrey. Sturgeon likes to put across to voters that 'I am cute and wholesome but I have nerves of steel'. This has thoroughly spooked the previously dominant Scottish Labour party who have largely controlled the country since at least the 1960s. Estimates say now that in May 2015, the SNP will take every parliamentary seat in the country bar a few hold outs.

April 2015[edit]

In Scotland Nicola Sturgeon is a bigger star than even Andy Murray and Sean Connery. Since she is small and has a hairstyle last seen by girls chasing Wet Wet Wet down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh in the 1980s. This has lead to her political opponents to underestimate and patronise her in debates. This is what David Cameron did in a debate in April 2015 with her. It left the British Prime Minister looking (and sounding) like an upper class twit who had mistaken Sturgeon for a hotel worker.

Affair with David Cameron[edit]

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SNP leader dithers over her vote

Nicola Sturgeon's husband:Archie Typo-Scott.

In April 2015, it was revealed that Sturgeon was having an intimate relationship with David Cameron. She and Cameron were overheard at a conference in France talking about how she wanted Cameron to win the election. This was regarded as de facto oral sex, and when Miliband, next door, recorded the tryst, the result was a sex tape that he leaked to the press, the only thing to-date that has increased public interest in the general election. Sturgeon was disgraced and as a result the SNP lost members and MP's rapidly.


In May 2015, if there is no majority for either the Labour or Conservative Party, Sturgeon would become the kingmaker. Labour leader Ed Miliband would visit her hotel suite (on all fours) begging for the SNP's support. Sturgeon's response would be to ask, 'What's in it for the Scots?' A fallback position might be, 'What's in it for me?' At the end of the resulting negotiations, Sturgeon will get a deal sweet enough for Scotland that nobody will notice that the Scottish National Party has abruptly ceased to favour Scottish nationhood.

The Conservatives' Cameron, on the other hand, would not engage such negotiations, but would write off Scotland and grant its independence, confident that, in the resulting confusion and economic collapse, Sturgeon would be forced to bring her country back into the United Kingdom (again on all fours).


Following the Brexit vote in 2016 for the United Kingdom to leave the European Union, Sturgeon has urged her followers to support 'Jockxit'. Scots are to be encouraged to leave the UK and join the EU as an independent state.

End of the Krankiestate[edit]

In February 2023 the wee lassie resigned as First Minister. It was said because she had offended J. K. Rowling by suggesting Harry Potter needed a geneder reassignment.

See Also[edit]