UnNews:SNP leader dithers over her vote

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 15:27:59 (UTC)
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5 April 2015

Sturgeon assesses the bloody trail of betrayal and death to come in her political campaign.

EDINBURGH, Scotland -- A leaked memo has been found claiming that Nicola Sturgeon, leader of the SNP, would prefer the Conservatives to win the general election. This comes as a surprise to those who actually believed that her anti-austerity message was genuine and not spin-doctoring to get more votes. Sturgeon has publicly declared that she hopes for a coalition government with Ed Miliband.

The memo is a recording of a conversation between her and a Conservative back-bencher disguised as a French Ambassador. Sturgeon claims that the memo is 100% untrue and investigators are struggling to identify Sturgeon's voice amidst the loud ruffling sounds of large sums of fivers being exchanged between the two.

Earlier in the week, Sturgeon had declared that, if she lived in England, she'd vote Green. Following this, many pointed out that although the Green Party of England and Wales did not exist in Scotland, the Green Party of Scotland does, and in fact offers an anti-austerity message and supported independence for Scotland. Sturgeon has failed to reply to these comments as yet.

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Political analysts up and down the country have been rattling their brains to interpret Sturgeon's political tactics. "It's pretty much the most randomised puzzle we've ever had to solve since Alan Turing cracked the Enigma code," said Alan David, a media political analyst. Whitehall are investigating whether Sturgeon has been confusing voters in order to gain votes and whether Nicola had actually taken over the SNP via a coup.

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