Alex Salmond

Salmond addresses the Scottish Parliament, which he took control of after eating the opposition.

Alex Salmond MP GNVQ ASBO, also known as Slippery Salmond, Fat Eck’’’, ‘’’Wee Sausage Fingers’’’, or Salmond the Hutt (31 December 1954 - 12 October 2024) was a rotund and profoundly embittered former Member of Parliament for the Scottish National Party. He was also a former Generalissimo of Scotland, Thane of Cawdor, Chief Pie Eater, Yeoman of the Stool and Grand High Haggis Taster of All Caledonia.

In addition to his seat in the Parliament, Salmond had a reserved, extra-wide seat at the Greggs concession in John Prescott's old office, conveniently located right next to the pie and steak bake counter. Despite being Greggs' best customer since the death of Cyril Smith, his repeated requests for haggis pasties to be added to the menu were repeatedly ignored, although he never ruled out legislation to force the issue. If Scotland ever gained its independence from the UK, Salmond planned to nationalise all Greggs stores north of the border and convert them into McGreggors Highland Bakeries. All steak pies woukf have been made from Aberdeen Angus, stottie cakes would've been replaced with Bannock Bread and tattie scones topped with Morangie Brie would've replaced the bacon and cheese melt.

Despite his sober demeanour and ever expanding girth, he was able to dance a mean tango and rip the skirts off Latin lovelies with one smooth move of his hand. Public office meant that this was a rare occurrence, however there could be on the odd occasion a "dress down" Friday. Sadly, Salmond's version of 'Dress Doon' is slightly different from other people's, and several cases of sexual harassment were pending at the time of his passing.

As Worst Minister, Salmond was best known for his hobby of promising voters in Scotland lots of lovely free stuff that his Government hadn't got a hope in hell of paying for, saying: "Why worry about where the cash is coming from, we aren't!" He claimed Scotland would be better off going its own way, but then tried to get Westminster to pay for vanity projects such as the Fat Eck Third Forth Bridge over the River Forth. He also holds the world record for the most Haggis' swallowed whole in one sitting, currently standing at 149.

He regularly flew around in a helicopter borrowed from a rich benefactor with the callsign 'Haggis One' much to the amusement of those in Scotland, as nicknaming a borrowed helicopter like the US President's aircraft Air Force One proves he thought he was Generalissimo of Scotland, when everyone else viewed him as a fat haggis muncher.

Salmond also held the post of Chief Scottish Botty Licker to media tycoon Rupert Murdoch. For this role, which involved much scraping and bowing as well as the occasional belly dance, Salmond was paid in live haggis. In addition to meeting the media tycoon three times and promising him "a real good time" if he were ever to visit Scotland, Salmond was also a guest at a Sun newspaper staff curry night in Glasgow, although his flatulence was so bad that bosses vowed never to have him back.

Having never forgiven Idi Amin for daring to name himself King of Scotland in the 1970s, Salmond had a secret plan to have himself crowned King of Uganda, thereby laying to rest a slight that has been bugging him for ages. He commissioned a Ugandan national tartan to be worn at his coronation and the McLatchie Kilt Manufacturing Company of Kirriemuir were kept on full alert to begin work on his costume. If he whad won the Scottish independence suicide referendum in 2014, Salmond wanted a film to be made about his career entitled 'The Last First Minister of Scotland'. It doesn't sound quite as catchy as 'The Last King of Scotland', but the only man who dared to suggest this to him is now tied tae the signpost at John O'Groats, covered in Dundee Marmalade, being slowly pecked to death by seagulls.

Early life

Like many children of Caledonia, Alex was born within listening-distance of the salty North Sea, the baaing of sheep and the trumpeting of haggis. This is because he was born on an oil rig - well Linlithgow actually but let's not let that get in the way of a good smear! - One with sheep and haggis on it (well it can get very lonely out there).

Some claim him to be the lovechild of Wee Jeanette Krankie and Fat Boab from Oor Wullie but those rumours have yet to be confirmed officially. Recently another claim has surfaced that he's the long lost identical twin of Susan Boyle.

He soon moved to the mainland though, and established a tea, tatty scone and haggis shop in Dundee called "Alex Salmond's Tea, Tatty Scone and Haggis Shop" with the eye-catching strapline "Why not come in and enjoy a cup of tea, a tatty scone and a slice of haggis?” Alex often dressed in a haggis costume complete with bagpipes and "see you jimmy" wig to attract diners. Business was good so more franchises of "Alex Salmond's Tea, Tatty Scone and Haggis Shop" have popped up in Stirling, Perth, Inverness & Burnistoun.

The franchise continued to be successful and he sold the whole franchise to an obscure American called Chuck 'Starbucks' McFluggle, holder of the Starbucks franchising rights for the whole of West Lothian and Dumfrieshire, in order to try his hand at Politics. When he realised he wasn't very good at politics, he decided to become Worst Minister a position from which he was awarded various Scottish titles such as "Chief pie muncher of the year 2008"; "Muckle Tumshie of the Month Jan '09, Mar '09 & May '09", "Jeanette Krankie/Fat Boab lookalike of the year 2009" & "Susan Boyle lookalike of the year 2010".

Political career

Salmond joined the Scottish National Party in 1968 and changed its name to the Salmond Numpty Pairty. He quickly worked his way through all the hot bonnie girls that he met at party political functions. After he'd worn his wilbur out he ran as an MP and entered Parliament at some point in the last 25 years (No one can really remember exactly) for the constituency of South Gorbals. Anyway, he was in Westminster for a bit and got on telly and everything before eventually becoming party leader there. Then in 1999 he hooked-up with the Labour Party to persuade people to vote for the Scottish Parliament although, sadly, no one was given the chance to vote on what it ended up looking like. The SNP quickly established themselves as the main opposition to the Labour executive which was lead by fashionable "Blair Babe" Jack McConnell. In 2007, however, the SNP managed to sneak-ahead of Labour by a single seat. That meant that Salmond was now King First Minister and it was McConnell's turn to mop the floor and make the tea!

He was instrumental in passing various schemes through Scottish Parliament such as making whisky and haggis the staple diet of schoolchildren throughout the land and passing a law requiring every citizen of Scotland must watch, read about or listen to Alex Salmond at least 40 hours of per week either on television, on radio or in the newspapers. A new law was passed that on the Sabbath day every Scot shall kneel before a cardboard cut out of himself and chant "Oor Eck, Oor Wullie, Oor King, Their King, Jimmy Krankie, Fat Boab, Scoatland's King"

Fatty is now working on two very important matters to the people of Scotland he insists that an independent Scotland would be better off free from planet earth and is currently in talks with Richard Branson to rocket-ship Scotland into outer space, making it completely independent from planet earth. He's also working on ways to monopolise the world's mince pie market and have all mince pies manufactured in Auchtermuchty. In his autobiography Mein Haggis, co-authored by Rab C. Nesbitt and Fat Bastard, he states that his aim is to destroy Scotland by ridding it of income, political power and dignity, through a process he calls 'Independence'.

In early 2012, Fatty revealed that he was instrumental in bringing down 'Iron Lady' Margaret Thatcher due to an intervention he made in the Chancellor's budget speech just years before she left her position as Prime Minister. This is alongside his earlier achievements of overseeing the first moon landings, single-handedly bringing down the Berlin Wall and finding and shooting Osama Bin Laden, to name but a few.

Worst Minister of Scotland

Salmond shows his considerable hubris in his "official portrait". He 'borrowed' the uniform from the Duke of Edinburgh's wardrobe at Holyroodhouse, although it had to be shortened and taken out by over a foot in order to fit.

Salmond was quick to act on having the First Minister's diadem placed on his head. He immediately set about giving Scotland's students more money in thanks for their support and when the opposition benches protested he marched his "woadshirts" into the chamber and had the MSPs all kneel before him and do him tribute with Jack McConnell reduced to sobbing "vanity of vanities...all is vanity!". His high sassenach taxes on English Breakfast Tea, English Muffins, Cornish Pasties, Lancashire Hotpot and Melton Mowbray pork pies have filled the Edinburgh treasury with millions of Scotch Groats. With all of that wealth at his disposal, Salmond built a palace for himself in Inverness. His eyes are on the world. Just you wait!

When asked recently about retirement plans Alex Salmond said he has bought four retirement homes namely Stirling Castle, Edinburgh Castle, the oil rig he was brought up on and Susan Boyle's council house. He wants to run his own haggis farm and in time plans to turn Scotland into one Braveheart movie theme park with financial support from Donald Trump. The centrepiece will be a statue of Elaine C. Smith astride a galloping charger, dressed as William Wallace. If you put in 10p it will also sing 'Scotland the Brave' in the style of Susan Boyle.

Being a big fat haggis muncher, Fatty is known for his extreme flatulence, which was described by Queen Elizabeth II as sounding like "a cross between strangulated bagpipes and the deathly wail of a haggis with a claymore embedded in its bahoogies". The pungent aroma has been described as a cross between the aroma of a highlander's sweaty tackle and the brake smoke of the Flying Scotsman. The most infamous discharge from Salmond's nether-regions came during First Minister's Questions in the Scottish Parliament on 3 June 2010, when MSPs managed to smash the previous record time for clearing the chamber, set way back in 1999 when Sir David Steel stood up to deliver his maiden speech. It was later revealed that Salmond had supplemented his usual baked bean and live haggis breakfast with a family size portion of kedgeree and kippers, liberally covered in blended sprout sauce.

In 2010, Salmond announced that he would convert part of Bute House, the First Minister's official residence, into a brothel especially reserved for high-ranking political figures such as himself, and himself only. Unblemished virgins are grabbed from the streets of Scottish towns by gangs known as the 'Salmond Bangers' and brought back to Edinburgh, where they are held captive in the highest tower of Edinburgh Castle and brought down to Bute House when Salmond requires sexual pleasure. The original plan was for Salmond to climb up the hair of the fair maidens in order to ravish them in the tower, but this was ruled out after a dynamic audit by the Scottish Health & Safety Executive, which concluded that Salmond's weight exceeds the safety limit for hair by around 1.5 metric tonnes. When asked about the ethicacy of his new brothel by a Scotsman reporter, Fatty had the unfortunate individual fed into a haggis-making machine and served up in the canteen of the Scottish Parliament.

Fatty is also Lord High Keeper of the Royal Pudding Basin, an ancient honour that stretches back to the reign of the current Queen. Salmond uses the pudding basin to make custards and also to cut his own hair as he can no longer fit in the chairs at the barbers.

In a speech to gathered sycophants at the Salmond Numpty Pairty annual conference, at which no confering is allowed, in October 2011, Fatty claimed that the Westminster government is now irrelevant to Scotland and call for David Cameron to end his meddling in Scottish affairs. He later phoned Gideon Frogspawn, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, to demand more money, stating that the Barnett Formula will barely cover the solid gold front door on his new palace in Troon.

After losing the Scottish Suicide Referendum in 2014, Salmond was so annoyed that he had the returning officer for Edinburgh turned into a haggis and ate him all in one sitting, before letting out a belch that could be heard in Auchtermuchty. He then scattered carpet tacks all over his official bed and put superglue on the underside of Nicola Sturgeon's wig, before leaving by the back door to spend the next few months swimming with salmon in Loch Lochy. After eating all the salmon, mostly raw, he then decided to become an MP again so that he could pinch Dennis Skinner's favourite seat in the House of Commons.

Salmond: Scotland's Freedom Fighter?

Fatty plans to separate Scotland from England by getting Susan Boyle, Lulu and Annie Lennox to sing at the border, thus forcing the English to erect a large soundproof wall in order to maintain their sanity. He also intends to have Cardinal Keith O'Brien as Chief of the Army, a role he will combine with the post of Scotland's Senior Bigot. Field Marshal O'Brien will be in charge of the water guns and water bombs, as well as the cardboard tanks.

Salmond: "It's oor oil, ye ken!"

Alex Salmond constantly talks about North Sea oil being his own political parties oil. In fact "It's oor oil, ye ken!" was the top selling t-shirt at this year's Salmond's Numpty Pairty conference at the Cross Keys public house in Inverscrotum, Highlands, with the "Hands aff oor oil pal!" t-shirt coming a very close second. However the "Alex Salmond is sexier than Tom Jones" G-strings didn't shift and were used to stuff Nicola Sturgeon print scatter cushions for the Scottish Parliament souvenir shop.

The Big Fuck Up - The Lockerbie Bomber Release

In August 2009, Slippery Soapy Wanker had his justice secretary decide that letting possible mass murderer, Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi out of jail on compassionate grounds, would be a good idea because the guy probably didn't do it anyway. He claimed that he was speaking on behalf of his near-free people and on behalf of God himself. Even black US president Kermit the Frog said that was a total fuck up, but Soapy claimed it was still a correct decision. However many believe he not only did this to piss off the one eyed cyclops of Kirkcaldy & former PM Gordon Brown and the backward thinking hell-hole that is the United States of America but to try and stop Christine Grahame repeatedly saying she knows who bombed the plane and has conclusive proof every five minutes of every single day!

Pals With Deep Pockets

Fatty handed over Scotland to American gazillionaire Donald 'Shredded Wheat' Trump the 63rd in exchange for a signed photo and a year's free membership when the golf course opens. "Oor Wee Donnie" as he is now known will fly in Sean "Tax Exile" Connery to single-handedly boot fellow Scots out of their homes which will be demolished to accommodate the 98th hole on the course.

Books By It

His books are:

• "The Economics Of Independence". Expectorated by University Of Strathclyde Economics Department In Assoc. With The Scotsman (2003)

- A guide to how much money is to be made, by him and that blonde woman with the nasty voice, from going on about Scotch independence. i.e. being subsidised by England via The EU rather than being subsidised by England directly.

• "Food for God's Sake". Defecated by Friends of Kirkcaldy Museums and Art Gallery; 1st edition (2006)

- An explanation of his eating habits, including a chapter on when he was mistaken for a whale by the bastards of the Japanese fishing fleet and almost hunted to extinction.

• "Me and My Eyebrows" Gallagher-Alonso Press (2008) - Contributor

• "Eck's Guide to Bluster, Bully and Shout; 3rd edition". Best Wee Shouty Publications (2009)

- An entire guide complete with photographic pages on how to bluster, bully and shout your way through an entire political career without taking the blame for a single thing you do or say.

• "Why It's all London's Fault!; 556th edition". SNP Publications (2010)

- From earthquakes to tsunamis, from fashion disasters to cold curries. It's all here inside this packed book declaring everything bad or evil on this planet and beyond is all London's fault!

See also

• Napoleon
• Augustus
• Haggis
• Scotland
• SNP

Footnotes

Preceded by: Jack McConnell (as MacViceroy)

Laird Protector o' Caledonia 2007-2014

Succeeded by: Nicola Sturgeon