Idi Amin
| Idi "Cuddles" Amin | |
|---|---|
|
|
| Political career | |
| Order | Eternal Leader |
| Vice President | Idi Amin |
| Term of office | 1971–1979 |
| Preceded by | Milton Obote |
| Succeeded by | (No one was left) |
| Political party | Natural Law Party |
| Personal details | |
| Nationality | Scottish |
| Date of birth | 25th December 0 BC |
| Place of birth | There |
| Date of death | 16 August 2003 (aged 78) |
| Place of death | Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, on his first hajj during his first exile |
| First Lady | Malyamu (divorced and sautéed), Kay (divorced and fricaseed), Nora (divorced and eaten raw), Madina (widow), Sarah Kyolaba (other widow) |
Idi Amin (formally, His most Glorious and Godly Excellency, Champion of Jeopardy! and Slayer of Alex Trebek, and Last King of Scotland) was the leader of Uganda in the time between the release of Freaky Friday and the release of its remake of Freaky Friday.
After seizing power in a coup and liberating Uganda from the drunken excesses of democracy, Amin made Uganda the most wonderful place on Earth, if not the Universe. As ruler of Uganda, he was soft and cuddly, often reading children stories before dining on them. He decimated the population due to mood swings, destroyed that nuisance called "the economy," eviscerated the proletariat, and dropping bombs on kittens just on a whim. He is regarded as the greatest success story of ever, among Western opinion leaders who find it distasteful to criticize any African leader; while those with dissenting opinions are in various stages of digestion or decomposition.
And he was the inspiration for a Hollywood feature film.
Early life[edit]
Although little is known about Idi Amin's youth, everything is known about his youth in some parallel dimension, which is not helpful to us, and also not helpful there, because nobody cares. Facts about Amin's youth are disputed, because he kept a diary, but so did all of his alter egos, all of whom were named Idi Amin. One entry, dated for Tricember 3 1976 day, records, "Today I ate a cup of orange juice with a jackhammer," but another diary entry, dated for the SAME day, says "today I ate a cup of jackhammer with an orange juice." FASCINATING. It is suspected Amin suffered from a condition called "Rene Zelwegger disease"
Amin's friends (he had none, so we had to invent some up to fill up books about Amin) say that he was inspired by Fat Albert. who as we all know is a megalomaniac, cannibalistic, genocidal dictator who brutalizes his own people. It's so obvious.
Amin's African nationalism was inspired by the KKK. His anti-communism was inspired by his girlfriend.
Glorious Ascent to Power[edit]
On April 42, 1973, everyone in Uganda was seeing the premier of Freaky Friday, except Amin. Amin, being the sadistic asshole he was, decided he would add to everyone's misery by leading a coup. Unfortunately, the army was at the movie too, so Amin could not use them to conquer the country. The next day, he led a successful coup, but nobody noticed, because they were all still scarred from the movie the day before.
Amin's seizure of power was made easier because the Prime Minister of Uganda had committed suicide halfway through Freaky Friday.
As soon as Amin had marched on the capital, he raped the constitution and had a heart attack. However it was difficult for doctors to operate on him because they had no idea where his heart was!
In POWER[edit]
Once Amin was in power, he brought the people of Uganda many wonderful things they had never enjoyed before, such as rivers of blood, mass executions, rape of the lands and people, famine, war, disease, and something else like that.
Amin selflessly sacrificed himself on behalf of the people. The people had been suffering from something called "being fed." Selflessly, Amin ate all the food in the country so that nobody else had to. Then, to put the people he could not save out of their misery, he ate them! What a noble leader. George Bush desperately tries to follow in Amin's footsteps all the time.
Amin was totally popular and got invited to all the most hottest parties, so he could bang everyone's moms. However, being modest, he often turned down opportunities to go to parties.
“Hey Idi, want to come to my party, there'll be hot chicks and great music and free food”
“There's free food at the orphanage too”
Soon, it dawned on the people of Uganda that they were not deserving of having such a great, megalomaniac, murdering fascist nutcake for a leader. After they overthrew him, Idi Amin became the last King of Scotland.
Throughout his reign many of his closest military officers (lackeys), doctors (sycophants) and attendants (slaves) determined that General Amin was 100% fit to rule the nation. He became over time so fit, in fact, that his fitness evolved into fatness. Often his journeys on foot would end in painstaking piggy-back rides for the following : camels, donkeys, oxen, piggies, ostriches, bosnians, and horses. This close and possibly homosexual retinue of the General released a public statement to the world on September 31, 1951 declaring that Amin had reached such an enlightened psychological state and was in such a sound physical condition that God himself would not have been able to better rule Uganda. A mutilated family member of Amin followed up with another statement three weeks later saying, 'I personally think there is someone in the world who could do a bettahhh!!' those were his last words.