Member of Parliament

A Member of Parliament is a pathological liar whose lies have become so deep-rooted that they have altered the brain's internal structure: indeed the word parliament derives from two French words, 'parler' meaning 'to speak' and 'mentir' meaning 'to lie'. The brain of an MP invariably becomes so malformed that it begins to alter the rest of the body's DNA to the extent that they technically become a human sub-species.

Go to hell.

MPs have a total inability to give a meaningful answer to a question, for example, asking one "Do you want fries with that?" would result in a response such as "Fries are not the issue here and whether I want them is a matter for me and my party to decide but what we can say is this: our record on fries is second to none and has never been up for debate".

All MPs are ultimately descended from the evil, immortal empress Margaret Thatcher who finally took on bodily form in the 20th Century. Some MPs vehemently deny this and argue that they are the anti-Thatcher, however, this is just another of their lies. Albert Einstein spent much of his life trying to prove this link but sadly he failed. His work was not in vain however, as it formed the basis of the proof that finally came about in 1985 by the work of eminent scientist Rolf Harris. Interestingly, the total percentage of MPs who believe they are of Thatcher and those that don't, while varying from year to year, always adds up to 100.

In 83BC, the kingdom of the MPs was almost destroyed in the War of the Pixies. A formidable army of 125 8-inch tall Pixies from a village near Doncaster, led by the greek Goddess of Victory, Nike, and armed to the teeth with plastic spoons, squared up the MPs on the plains of Scunthorpe.

The MPs were almost routed when their leader, the evil empress Margaret Thatcher used forbidden magic (involving a small pot of strawberry yogurt and the key from a tin of corned beef) to destroy the Pixie hordes. The result of this taboo was her inability to take on bodily form for almost two millennia. Nike managed to flee but not before decapitating three shadow back-benchers, which is why, to this day, MPs have a morbid fear of sportswear.

Types of MPs

Most MPs either belong to the Labour Party, the Conservative Party or the former Liberal Democrats. Following the 2010 election, which produced a well-hung parliament with David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband in charge of the parties. The Liberal Democrats then joined the Conservative Party to form a Cameron-controlled dictatorship.

Types of MPs include:

• The Prime Minister, aka the King of the Castle.
• The Chancellor of the Exchequer, whose job is to make hugely successful decisions on money matters, which the Prime Minister then takes credit for.
• The Cabinet, named after the storage unit that the Prime Minister uses to keep them in.
• The Opposition. This is not to be confused with the Civil Service, whose job is to fight and obstruct the decisions of the Prime Minister. The Opposition's job is to win high approval ratings by being a pain in the arse.
• The Backbenchers. Their job is to waste time during Prime Minister's Question Time by asking the Prime Minister questions about the shortage of parking spaces in their constituency. This is designed to prevent the Opposition from intimidating the Prime Minister by asking him open-ended questions on education, health care and crime. They also provide a noisy din as a backdrop during these sessions.
• The Chief Whip. The person who ensures that Government backbenchers vote the Prime Minister's way, by issuing up to three lashes to anyone who joins the Rebel Alliance.
• The Speaker. His job is to say "Order, Or...Or...Order" during Prime Minister's Question Time.

Well known facts about MPs

• The UK Parliament is officialy classified by 'Jobcentre Plus' as show business for ugly people.
• MPs never have haircuts (their hair never grows).
• Their favourite pastime is claiming expenses. Expenses are to MPs as treasure is to dragons.
• Once dead, their bodies never decompose.
• All have been buggered.
• Being that they are European, they have no souls.
• Most of them nowadays are Margaret Thatchers children, the men are not allowed to wear dresses though.
• Many of them like little boys.

Little known facts about MPs

• They are allergic to kangaroos, lemons and the number 11.
• MPs hibernate from May until October. When they arouse from their slumber, they are affected by acute shyness for several weeks, which is where the phrase 'Work-shy Bastards' comes from.
• Some controversial theorists have recently claimed that the time for hibernation may vary up to 5 years, once the elections are over.
• Although the total number of MP's who are either thatcherites or not thatcherites is strangely always 100%, this is of no help to the electorate who are illiterate as far as statistics are concerned, and is partly why all parliaments are exactly the same. The reasons behind this were first expostulated by Geordie Newlands in 1950 at the age of 6 when he stood up in class at prep school and stated 'there are lies, damn lies and statistics' just before being expelled.