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View over Dundee as seen from Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh.

“And lo, you will raze all cities of the infidel, for they are unclean. Save only Dundee, for living in Dundee is punishment in itself.”

~ Allah on saving Dundee

Dundee , deep in the heart of Scotland, built on the banks of a greyish-green luminescant Tray on the east of Scotland. It is a blackhole much like Fern Britton's arsehole. It is also the Sunniest City in the Known Universe. (Great Cesspit in Garlic) is actually 67 miles south of the Parker Dam at Aberdeen and was accidentally given the wrong name by the first ever Lord Provost Maurice Malpas. (as it is allegedly populated by scum), as they have taken a disliking to the lack of sheep, besides, they can't talk. Have you been to Aberdeen? it looks as if it were designed by Marvin the Manically Depressed Robot. And the people? they can plain just go and fuck themselves, or dolly, whatever. It has also been called Dumpdee (as it was Scotland's first rubbish dump, until Glasgow took the job). plus if you intend to visit Dundee be warned the best thing they have to offer is an old shite wooden ship.


Built on the sides of an extinct volcano, the original name "Duntay" led to the hill being called Duntay's Peak. The original settlers of Duntay then emigrated to the United States in search of a volcano that actually worked, naming their new village "Dante's Peak" with a slightly different spelling to keep up with that annoying American habit. Surprisingly, Dundee is Scotland's only south-facing city, which would make it one of Scotland's sunniest cities, if the sun ever shone there. However, puzzlingly, it remains the skin cancer capital of the country.

Despite this excellent position, Dundee's position as the skin cancer capital of the world status is assisted by the proliferation of sunbeds. Recent estimates have suggested that tanning beds and other Solarium devices outnumber the human population by 3.141 to 1.

Dundee is surrounded by the flat, rolling fields of Angus to the North and Peter to the East, with the even flatter Victoria Beckham to the immediate West. This raises the question, "Why would the first settlers build a city on the region's only steep hill that happens to run into the sea to the South, that separates the city from the Kingdom of Fife and the glorious Principalities of Tayport and Wormit. Dundee, and is connected to Fife by two bridges (one of which (Tay Rail Bridge) has already fallen down as architect Thomas Bouch never took into account the extra weight of nesting seagulls)?".

After the Dundonian engineer's embarrassment after the Tay Rail Bridge disaster, they didn't do much better the second time around as the second bridge isn't even flat - a mistake that Fifers have to pay for by cycling a mile uphill to take their shopping home, at least they don't have any money to buy anything. The bridges were built after a series of ferries never actually brought anybody back, giving the terminal the name Broughty Ferry. It was later discovered that the missing people travelling south had either been trapped in Scotland's Secret Bunker or had moved to Scotland's nightclub capital St Andrews.


Two happy resident Dundonians.

Dundee is Scotland's bonniest city, hence why it has the title Bonnee Dundee. Some may say it is the greatest city in Scotland.

Originally built during the 1960s when a local man going by the name of D.C. Thompson started up the Beano. His instant success made him a local hero and it was not long before the Dandy was written up, so successful that a statue of comic star Desperate Dan was erected next to the one of Viz's Biffa Bacon in the city centre. The city is also famous for the 'Three Js'; Jute, Jam and journalism. More recently, Dundee has become a world centre for software development, it's greatest export being Rockstar North who created Grand Theft Auto

Dundee was also the birthplace of Wm. Lows, a supermarket chain named after the inventor of milk which was later bought over by Tesco who currently have an average of 3.2 supermarkets in the city per Dundonian.

The city council has also recently started a city centre facelift to make it look more scenic and reduce traffic congestion by "bringing the city closer to it's seafront", presumably by flooding all roads along with the Overgate shopping centre, allowing the Seagate bus station to live up to it's name.

Dundee is famous for its two universities. The University of Dundee, the aborted lovechild of The University of St. Andrews and Baghdad Technical College is renowned for producing top quality medical graduates, including the world famous Dr Harold Shipman; the University of Abertay, or as it is often referred - 'University of Whitfield' - is known to teach the alphabet and the three times table. As Bell Street Technical College it had a standing in the world, now it's just another poor man's Uni.

Rivalry to attract students is fierce between the two institutions. Abertay claims to be supreme over all Scottish universities due to having 'more computers per head than any other university' and as per the 2003 television advert to provide 'a real education' and a broad Dundonian accent. The word 'Abertay' is in fact derived from the German words aber, meaning 'butt' and tay, meaning 'hole'.

Chief Export[edit]

In a city that used to write the news, make jam pieces and pishy clothes, the chief export is now a Class B (but until very recently legal) drug known as 'Bubbles' in Dundee, but Dundees in every other city in Scotland. This new drug has been transforming Dundee and, with hope, will help sort out the birthing problem as lots of Neds are taking these, and ending up dead because of the combination of arsenic and arse hair in it.

Many Dundilians happpily overlook the fact there are no orange trees in Dundee due to the extreme cold, and claim to be personally responsible for the invention of marmalade. Which is an odd thing to wish to be known for.

There is also a games company there called Realtime Worlds which has been said to have made a few decent games for the residents of Dundee to play when they are not inbreeding. Unfortunately, this has now gone bankrupt, reducing the total number of Dundonians who still have jobs to 3.

The the Dundee team now out of business leigh griffiths has now admitted he is a pure mad bubble head or 'Bubbleheed' as known to most dundonians.


The nightlife in Dundee was on a whirlwind growth in the early 1980s, but was rudely interupted when it was revealed by the Sun newspaper, that Dundee had had an affair with Kerry Katona's bucket fanny, and was infact responsible for the rancidity of Monifieth and Kirkcaldy. This stigma, tarnished Dundee's prospects as an up and coming hot pimple for night time frolics, and Dundee was left in late night ruins.

That is until Mr O. Bese Samuel, or Fat Sam as his pawls cladly named him, while walking down Ward Road one dreary afternoon, was inadvertendly stung by a mutant bumblebee. This then caused him to swell and morph into a 3 story nightclub. If you sit in 'The Pod' on the first floor.... and if you sit on the stool second from the left....no, not that one, move along a bit more....uh yeah, that one and then lift up the stool and peer underneath it - THERE, see, lies the beating heart & lungs of Old Fat Sam himself. Breathing in the lustful fumes of the cities underagers, beating with that tedious bassline, gulping down your money like it's salted, shivering in anticipation for deep penetration....i mean, what?

City of Discovery[edit]

City Centre Parking, Dundee

In 1987, local Dundonian Ivan Golac discovered genuine alligators in the sewers of Dundee that had been orphaned after their owners had died after going into Ninewells Hospital to get their ingrown toenails checked. Originally the town was dubbed 'Crocodile Dundee' although this coincided with a large influx of Australian film pilgrims after Mr T's blockbuster film of the same name. However, after discovering most of them had emigrates to Australia from Dundee in the first place, a last minute attempt to rid the town of moaning Ozzies suggesting Scotland's sunniest city just wasn't sunny enough was put into action. They were all banished and sent back to Oz on the ship 'RSS Discovery' which was thrown off course by a Monsoon in the Indian Ocean.

The ship's crew finally admitted they were lost when they became trapped in Antarctica after taking a wrong left at the Maldives and were forced to eat each other to stay alive. This was also made into a film, although apparently it was easier for the Hollywood film crews in Los Angeles tBLOWJAYo film in the South American Andes than fly equipment out to the South Pole. Discovery Point was later built on Dundee's seafront as a lasting memorial to the ships crew and is now a popular museum. More unusually, on the 12th September every year, cannibals from around the world meet here where a randomly selected prisoner from nearby Castle Huntly prison is sacrificed in memory of those that died in the tragedy.

Residents(see inbred... yes, again.) of Dundee were the first to discover that instead of actually washing, spraying yourself with cheap Asda/Tesco deodarant works just the same.

Another aging relic in Dundee is that guy who always needs 10p for a cup of tea. You know that guy, puts on the stupid voice, jingles his cup, gets a bus from the bus station with his mate and talks perfectly normal and cowers away when you shout him and demand you chuffing 10p back...prick. You can see him from a mile off, look for a pathetic scruff moving timidly towards you with a hat in hand. Fuck off you dosser.


Tayside Police preparing for another Saturday afternoon at Dens Park.

It has never occurred to Dundonians that they may do better if a small city only had one main senior football team. To make matters worse, both football grounds are across the street from one another and punters can save £15 a head by watching the games from the top of Dundee Law free of charge. The two Scottish Premier League teams are known as Dundee United and Lochee United, with fallen junior side Dundee opting to play for a place in the OVD Cup. Lochee United have had such superstar signings like Danny cadamarteri, Ronaldinho, Pele and Zinedine zidane And David Baird Diego Maradona and Eric 'Sinky' Sinclaire. Dundee however, have recently brought in Leigh Griffiths (see Static Shock - superhero, formerly known as Leigh Genesis) and Gary Optimus Prime Harkins to help them in the fight against the Thistles of St.Patrick. Once the Kray twins took over The Fun Team, they set about turning Dens into a rubbish dump by day come strip and poker club at night they had their heart set on biggers things, including a property in Brighton. So retiring they left the club look for a new Pimp master. Along Came Dee5Death an organisation set up from local dole money to get the local drugged up and father of four already teenagers to play football on a saturday for nothing. To great success they now have a creche and methadone shop. NOTE: All Dundee United home games have been posponed due to the fact that everyone within a 4 mile radius of Tannadice Park refused to take a drugs test.

Dundee Uniteds players and supporters have been nicknamed "The Arabs" in reference to there treatment of their wives and girlfiends.

Dundee United's Ground "Tannadump" is unique in that when it was developed after the embarrassment of Barcelona's superstars having to get changed in Shug's greenhouse in the nearby allotments, the job of chief designer was given, not to a renowned architectural firm, but to Jim McLean's 4 year old daughter, who designed the ground using crayons & build a scale model from sticklebricks. The ground was built to mirror this design exactly, with anyone casting doubts on the wisdom of building a huge orange and white monstrosity that looks like it came flat-packed and was put together wrong, given a "punch in the puss" by Mr McLean.

Dundee's fighting culture has also produced a number of rising boxing stars including world welterweight champion Joe Dundee and Jim McLean who, after defeating Muhammed Ali, mistakenly punched BBC Scotland reporter John Barnes, thinking he was Jimmy Hill.

Not only is it the city of discovery but also holds the title of sunshine capital of scotland, accounting for 3 enitre hours of sun every year. Dundee also holds the record of "Most Underage Pregnancies" in, perhaps, the whole world. As many as 7 out of every 8 teenagers give birth to a screaming little Dundonion runt every year. This poses the problem of whether it should be classed as the city's official sport but the Lord Province can't really be arsed.

The "women", if you can call them that, of Dundee have also recently discovered that taking it up the poop shoot does not lead to an unwanted pregnancy!!

The term Dundee United in Lagos, Nigeria is slang for a mentally handicapped person.

The Perth based team known as St Johnstone FC sees Dundee FC as their rival team. However when asked about St Johnstone, most dundonians reply "Is that not yon cardinal bishop in London?"

Evolution in Dundee[edit]

Not that Dundee stupid!

recently there has been a large amount of evolution in Dundee. Some of the neds have now evolved into what is known as "Emos", of couse the wannabe emos are not yet human but are still higher ranked than the average Ned.

Evolution is set to soar in Scumdee, as it has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe, probably through inbreeding. There is hope that this behaviour will eventually wipe out all Scumdonians.

See Also[edit]