Lewis Capaldi
“Scotland’s greatest musical success since Susan Boyle”
Lewis Capaldi is a Scottish singer-songwriter who has achieved global acclaim due to his wacky hijinks and banter on various media platforms. Invented in a lab at Glasgow Caledonian University, scientists in the mid-'90s observed the success of English bands such as Oasis and Blur, and attempted to create a new Brit-pop sensation for the 21st century. Using the DNA of The Proclaimers for talent and then unknown politician Liz Truss for looks, Lewis was designed and using the same satanic technology invented to clone Dolly the Sheep he was brought to life.
Conception[edit]
Originally called BritpopBot2000, Capaldi’s creation was subject to a lot of national controversy. Activists rallied outside of the responsible lab and rioted, arguing that postgraduates from one of Scotlands mid-tier universities shouldn’t be trying to play God. The countries greatest philosophical mind George Galloway spoke up on the creation of Lewis, and the morality of creating humans, stating: “First a musical artist, then what? Scottish Hitler?” He has since advocated for the creation of human-cat hybrids.
Global news reporters descended on Scotland to witness Lewis’ introduction to the public, in what has been described a ‘Darth Vader-esque’ display. His fusion chamber opened and Lewis strolled out enveloped in smoke while a piper played the imperial march.
Childhood[edit]
In a bid to give Lewis the most normal upbringing possible, a lottery was held wherein Scottish couples could buy a ticket with the potential of keeping Lewis as their own, until he reached an age where he could record albums. Millions took part and Lewis was sent to a family in Glasgow with the presupposition that they must play Brit-pop 24/7 in the house (nurture musical talent), Billy Connolly DVDs (nurture Scottish banter and charm), and ignore the phone whenever Liz Truss called.
Lewis had a relatively normal upbringing in Glasgow. Sometimes there would be glitches within his DNA that would need him to go back to the lab and have a few things tweaked. The worst of these was when he wouldn’t stop singing ‘Wonderwall’ during a school assembly, and upset a lot of the other children.
Lewis was also given a famous cousin, Peter Capaldi. His cousin Peter would help him navigate the world of celebrity and teach him how to deal with the demanding lifestyle it comes with. As a result Lewis took his adopted cousin Peter’s last name, changing it from his given lab name Lewis 1.0.
Efforts were raised to put a young Lewis on the The X Factor, however when Susan Boyle entered that years competition they shelved that idea as his genetically engineered pipes were nothing compared to Susan’s natural talent.
Musical Career[edit]
Since 2019, Lewis has taken the musical world by storm. Inspired by artists such as Ed Sheeran and Bono (disambiguation), his blend of melancholic pop music took the playlists of middle aged British women by storm. He has been nominated for a Grammy for the song ‘Bruises’ which is mistaken for a love ballad but is actually about Lewis trying to find a fresh apple in the supermarket.
His song ‘Someone you Loved’ holds the record for the longest time as a top 10 single by a British solo artist, which has resulted in Glasgow Caledonian University getting increased funding to create more Scottish superstars. It has been rumoured that the corpse of Sean Connery and some of Gerard Butlers DNA is being fused to create a new Scottish action movie star, however concerns have been raised that Connery’s misogyny may survive the process.
Lewis is the 85th most listened to artist on Spotify. The Scottish government has promised that if he reaches the top 20 three more Lewis’ will be made and the Scottish Beatles will be created. It has been claimed that with the creation of the Scottish Beatles, we may see a new Scottish cultural invasion of America, with young people Stateside wearing kilts, speaking Gaelic and becoming victims to untold levels of alcoholism.
Banter[edit]
Lewis was genetically engineered to have the best banter of all time. He can often be found on talk shows in the United Kingdom, making the other guests laugh before being ushered off by strange men in lab coats with screwdrivers. His many japes have gone ‘viral’ online, including one where he mistakenly thought a presenter offered him a ‘rim job’ on the BBC morning news. In true Scottish fashion, even our robots cannot keep sex off the brain.
Lewis also has a long running banter-filled feud with those two twats from Oasis. In a Radio interview, Noel Gallagher claimed that Lewis’ music was “wank” and said "Who's this Capaldi fella? Who the fuck's that idiot?". Lewis fired back by dressing up as his idiot brother Liam. It has been considered by those in the music industry that the sheer hatred some have for Oasis propelled Lewis’ career to new heights, with up and coming artists now encouraged to poke fun at the brothers in a hope they will get pissed off and give them free publicity.
Lewis can also be found in his town of creation Glasgow busking to the delight of the locals. However questions were raised when a little child skipping down the street tripped on his amplifiers power cord, pulling it out, while Lewis continued mouthing the words to his songs with no music being played. It was a freaky sight to behold and the council has since cracked down on his impromptu performances, adding three more ‘Despacito’ playing violinists to the busking scene instead.
See also[edit]
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