Golspie

Second only to marching in parades wearing skirts and playing bin liners, the chief pastime around Golspie is waiting for the loo to free up.

Golspie is a picturesque village in Scotland with a population of 1,650. It is located on the shores of the Moray Firth. It lies in the shadow of Ben Bhraggie (394m), although "shadow" implies the appearance of the sun from time to time.

Golspie is in a region of Scotland known as Highland, which is damned peculiar, given that it is at sea level. And Highland itself is in a region called Sutherland, which is even peculiarer, as it is not Suther at all but as Norther as you can get in Great Britain without either gills or white fur.

Golspie is of possible interest to those who believe that Inverness is insufficiently remote.

History

Short, stubby people, most with hairy feet, began to gather in the area after the Dark Lord ordered the clearance of the Highlands in 1806. They were attracted to Golspie by the shiny tallness of the Lord Queen Thatcher statue which was built by the 1st Duke of Sutherlandshire. After building homes, the inhabitants invented Black Bottle which allowed them to grow into a rare breed of people inventively named "Golspies." The Golspies colonized the land and erected their first national wonder: the Co-op.

The Golspies recently celebrated their population reaching 1200. Of course, the 800 or so "new arrivals" were excluded from the celebrations.

Government

Golspie is governed by a council of noble elders known as the Gala Committee. These leaders manage the population through their control of all village infrastructure and their influence in the hierarchy of socially strategic "herd leaders" who in turn manage their subjects. All Golspie laws are listed in the annual civic register and holy book, the Gala Committee's Gala Program.

Attempts to usurp the committee's authority are met with beheadings, castration, or in extreme cases exile to nearby Brora, whose villagers live in skips and eat babies.

Economy

Until the 1990's, Golspie had no economy, as this generally requires the possession of currency. Food was obtained by trading parts from Ford Escorts or stealing pigs and sheep from the Dunrobin overlords. The pound sterling was introduced in 1997 and lasted for six years. However, Golspie's central bank, the Co-op, refused to trade in anything but the blood of virgins. In 2003, the pound was removed from circulation.

In 2004, Golspie saw the opening of GREAN, not only a really clever acronym but a recycling plant that provided a new source of guilt concerning carbon-footprints and gave the Golspies a new currency: tin cans, newspaper, and custard. With GREAN as its economic backbone, the village was able to trade with other city-states and even create a defence alliance with nearby Embo.

Religion

The dominant religion in Golspie is called alcoholism, and has been the official state religion since 1896 when Golspie was visited by a Glaswegian. In this sect, people worship Smirnoff, Tennants, and Jagermeister and attain a peculiar state of grace, during which some have started fights, stolen bed sheets, slayed dragons, and cried at parties. Golspies reject the phrase "fundamentalist alcoholic," but the fallen-away sometimes have fits of delusion, in which they imagine they live in Fraser Street, a fearsome district whose buildings have concrete hallways.

The religion experienced trouble in 2008 when a break-away cult began following the teachings of the prophet Dirty Donald. However, the prophet was destroyed in a battle with the allied forces of Big-Burn-land-shire, and orthodoxy was restored.

Culture

Golspie's rich and vibrant culture was sold in the late 1970's in response to rising coal prices. For a brief while, the village borrowed some culture from Protestants, but it was dropped in the early 1980's in favour of football and swearing.

Music in Golspie is not allowed unless it is produced by the God-Queen Rhianna or the She-Lord Lady Gaga. Art is only allowed if it is something drawn in a pub by a semi-skilled caricaturist with long hair. Books are illegal in Golspie because they encourage literacy, knowledge, and free thought.

Tourism

Ben Bhraggie takes its name from an especially flatulent chairman of the Golspie Planning Council.

The Ben Bhraggie

The Ben Bhraggie is a volcano overlooking Golspie whose violent activity made life in the area impossible until the volcano was plugged with the spectacular statue of Lord Queen Thatcher. Now the Ben is an attractive hill-walk for tourists who can enjoy trying to make it to the top without being torn apart by packs of wild beasts called mountain bikers.

The castle is not one of Golspie's renowned public loos. But don't try telling the locals that after a night on the town.

Dunrobin Castle

Dunrobin Castle is not actually a castle but got its title as the only building in Golspie that spans more than two storeys. It is one of many places in Golspie that locals may enter freely, while tourists must first pay tribute to the Thatcher-God.

The public beach at Golspie in fact has more to do with a public crapper.

The Beach

Golspie abuts two miles of award-winning beach. It must be; the sign says so. It is really not filthy and covered in seaweed. It does not smell of dead birds and underage smoking. Its bed of discarded newspaper and shoes has never been used as a Saturday-night dance/blowjob hot-spot.