Protestantism
An ideology constructed by Trojan and other condom manufacturers in 1519 in an effort to boost sales in the face of the notorious Catholic Church, an anti-condom religious power. Fed up of being told what to do by old child sex offending Italians, people of lamer Europe rebelled, concurring with Trojan and converting to Protestantism.
Martin Luther's Great Invention[edit]
Martin Luther was an executive at Trojan condoms, and came up with the idea of inventing a new religion in a board discussion in 1516, promoting that Catholics could guiltlessly use contraception. In advertising Trojan's new brand, Luther famously chucked 95 Feces at the door of the All-Saints Church in Wittenberg in 1517, and attracted crowds who were impressed by the gall it took to pull off such a stunt, and decided that he was right: the words of God weren't meant to be taken literally or else they would still be in the original Hebrew, it was up to God's people to project their own meaning onto a pile of shit, and to decide for themselves that Trojan condoms make sex UltraSafe while maintaining all the fun.
Many realized the stupidity of Protestantism and swiftly burnt Luther at the stake, but through strength of will he broke free and got all his new ideas printed, accompanied by woodcuts of the famous fecal matter left at the door of the All-Saints Church.
Beliefs[edit]
Protestants are much too busy protesting Catholic practices to lecture about things like politics, abortion, homosexuals, and Hell. Instead, they focus on sending out missionaries because being poor overseas is preferable to being poor at home, and besides, they need to recruit new followers since they don't reproduce like rabbits.
One of the major advantages of converting was being allowed to toss off, and fuck without trying to have a baby; however as soon as they became Protestant, all of these privileges were forbidden again, not by law of the Holy Book, but by law of courtesy and a sense of decency. And so Trojan realised that their campaign had gone horribly wrong.
Instead of raising large families, they raise large churches, following a cult personality of someone called a pastor, who regularly gives speeches on the importance of money and that you donate it to approved causes. The primary indicator of success in a Protestant church is the quality of its music program. This is because the music is emotionally addictive, and keeps the rock fans followers coming back every week for more.
Protestants are split into two major factions - the Hymnalist faction and the Neopraisist faction. The Hymnalist faction holds organs to be sacred and condemns the use of drums; whereas the Neopraisists hold drums to be sacred and condemns the use of organs. Moreover, the Hymnalists insist that their music be at least 100 years old, whereas the Neopraisists will not use a song more than 10 years old. Electronic keyboards and pianos may be used by both, but keyboards are more commonly used by the Neopraisists, and pianos by the Hymnalists. Listening to secular music outside church, with or without lyrics, is condemned by both factions.
Lutheranism[edit]
The first great protestant group was the Lutheranists, also known as the "Nailers, Bangers, or Pounders" in tribute to their method of nailing protest letters to the doors of buildings. "They were always just banging away at the closest thing they could find to a door. I was constantly losing sleep over their constant pounding and nailing." said one villager. Eventually the Lutherans were nailing so much that they ran into a shortage of nails. Downplaying the significance of this basic form of protestantism, a new leader named John Calvin focused on deeper protestant issues.
Modern Protestantism[edit]
Since they do not have one single central authority figure to answer to, the beliefs and traditions of modern protestants tend to be many, varied, confusing, and basically complete chaos, lacking the brand recognition of the papacy. In frustration, one branch, the Biblical Unitarians, decided anything goes, as long as it is referred to in the Bible, or at least the Apocrypha. The Evangelicals and Fundamentalists were horrified at this, and ostracized the Unitarians for their acceptance of others' beliefs. Still, modern Protestants hold out the hope that someday all the branches of Protestantism will unite, somehow, someday, under their belief in a pan Evangelical movement that ignores historically incompatible theological differences between denominations in order to create the pleasant illusion of Christian unity. Modern Protestantism has also been keen to make amends with their on again off again, friendly rival Catholicism; they put aside differences and bond by beating up Scientologists instead.