Humpty Dumpty

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The King & Humpty Moments Before The Horses & Men Arrived.

Humpty Dumpty is the only known offspring of Mother Goose, the giant anthropomorphized Goose Scribe of the late to early 1600s. In the Year of Our Lord Sixteenhundrendandthree Aydee, Humpty Dumpty was "born". After a one night stand with a travelling Cassowary Salesman, Mother Goose (who was then just known as "Goose") gave "birth" to Humpty Dumpty the very next morning.

Humpty Dumpty is also a character in a Mother Goose rhyme. Most English-speaking children are familiar with the rhyme: "Chess and cheesecake, deviant pie – build me a fnord-like yak, but don't lace it with asbestos, 'cause I'm hoping to rent it out as a summer-house". Many people suspect that this cryptic rhyme may not be about Humpty Dumpty at all, but these people are idiots.

At the tender age of 9908, Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall. Almost immediately after this, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. It is a commonly held theory that all the King's Horseman and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again - but most scholars agree that they simply WOULDN'T put Humpty together again, because Humpty was a cunt (though one eye-witness claims that one horse tried his best, but simply made matters worse). Others conspire that Humpty Dumpty was actually pushed by Oprah. This theory is supported by the fact that directly after the incident, Oprah was seen scooping up and devouring Humpty's freshly-spilt yolk. Some say Humpty's yolk enhanced Oprah's already phenomenal powers of mind-control and chronokinesis. Others say Oprah did it out of self-preservation, having read a prophecy that she would one day be slain by a Platypus Warrior, the presumed would-be off-spring of Humpty. Perhaps the answer lies somewhere in the middle.

Humpty Dumpty underwent intense reconstructive surgery. Daunted by the incredible pain of the fall (and his miscarriage), Humpty soon grew an addiction to prescription pain-killers. Thankfully, he weened himself off the prescription drugs by substituting them with alcohol and heroin.

Humpty Dumpty is currently living with his partner of 7 years, Kevin Costner, and is working on his first book, an autobiography titled "Cracking Up".


Roger Waters was inspired to create one of Pink Floyd's most seminal albums during a 1977 concert tour for "Animals". In Montreal, a fan's disruptive behavior resulted in Waters spitting in the fan's face. After the show, Waters was informed that the fan in question was indeed Humpty Dumpty. Not content with just spitting in Dumpty's face, Waters swore that he would dedicate a whole album to criticising Dumpty. And so, being well aware of Dumpty's fear and hatred of Walls, Waters composed and released "The Final Cut".

Humpty dumpty's life[edit]

After being born, it was immediately obvious that he was no ordinary egg. One reason for this is that when he hatched, instead of hatching into a cute furry animal, he hatched into an egg that was larger than the egg which contained the egg larger than the egg that contained it. Yeah, the tabloids were confused too. After hatching, he raided his mum's fag cupboard and had a quick smoke.

At the tender age of 97, he set up his won company: 'eggs and co.' Eggs and co. didn't actually do anything. It was just there. It was just a huge building with a big sign saying eggs and co. That's all it was. It didn't even had a door or windows.

Eggs and co., after making a huge profit, closed down for unknown reasons. Because of this, Humpty Dumpty was desperate for money. So, in a desperate attempt for cash, he agreed to appear in an alice in wonderland book. I dunno if it was the first, second, or fourty-thousandth book to be honest. Anyway, in the book he played an egg who sat on a wall. He said it was the part he was born to play.

Humpty dumpty and friends, prior to his fall

On the first day of filming the book, Humpty Dumpty had the feeling he was being followed. After meeting oprah, he took his place on the wall and the cameras started rolling. He said his first few lines, then something tragic happened. Humpty dumpty fell off the wall. He was 9908 at the time. Emergency services were called to put him back together again. All the kings horses and all the kings men came as fast as they could, but couldn't put humpty together again. Oprah was seen licking up humpty's yolk shortly after.And then he magically came up and kicked her in the face for trying to eat his yolk and he yelled "POTATOES"

Humpty's sexual life[edit]

Humpty's sex life was limited, what with him being an egg and all, but in his tragically short life, he did manage to have affairs with many glamorous dairy products, including clotted cream and Beyonce. He was described as a 'wild' and 'lubricated' lover.

He was also known to gain sexual pleasure by rolling around in a cave with some bears fighting Bob Dylan. Courtney love was another of his bear-roll conquests. he kept his victims in the cave, strung up next to Tigger and the Frosties kid.

Humpty's afterlife[edit]

What Humpty did in the afterlife was a widely discussed topic, but everyone, deep down, knew the truth. They just didn't want to admit that they were wrong. Ha. Contrary to popular belief, Humpty didn't go to heaven or hell. In fact, he got stuck in between and started cooking nicely.

As a ghost, he haunted Oprah and helped Osama bin Laden conquer Kazakhstan. People say that they have seen Humpty at night, wondering forlornly on the battlefield of world war 3, which was previously known as Great Britain until it was conquered by invader Zim.

However, some idiots like the guy or girl above think that Humpty is still alive, and currently working on an autobiography. This is complete and utter bullshit. He's dead, face it! Man, you're in denial. Everyone has watched the book and read the film, and they saw him being pushed and shattering into millions (If not thousands) of pieces. It's obvious he's dead.

The Conspiracy Of Humpty[edit]

It is now believed by many that Humpty did in fact lead a completely distinct life to that of the above. This was due to the compassionate speech given by King Egg, of Humpty’s “death” town.

Humpty was indeed the biological son of Mother Goose, but did however, have different father to that of his siblings.

Humpty was depressed from birth. A “bad egg” as farmers referred to him. He went through a series of councillors, due to his traumatic birth. The image of being pushed out of a ducks arse proved too discouraging for Humpty and he found himself botteling up a lot of anger. Watching his brothers and sisters hatch into ugly ducklings was never good for Humpty either and he became a very distressed egg.

As he grew older, he moved away from his family into a town nearby. He could no longer bear the pain of his family being able to take a swim down the river in the heat, whilst he bobbed along behind. In this town he found a young female. Her name was Mary and he immediately fell in love with her. She was constantly the talk of the town.

“Mary, Mary, Quite contrary, how does your garden grow?” “Mary had a little lamb”

However, it came to Humpty’s attention that she was in fact not only the talk of the town, but also the town bicycle. She had recently been with the likes of Little Bo Peep (who wasn’t so little), Jack Be Nimble (who was incredibly quick) and Yankee Doodle (who quite obviously didn’t only ride ponies). Humpty told only one person about his new found love georgie porgie, but he couldn’t have made a shoddier choice. Georgie Porgie was the town bully. He merely replied with a witty rhyme that was initially about himself.

“Humpty Dumpty, pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry; When the boys came out to play, he kissed them too, coz he was gay faggot”

Humpty COULD NOT take this abuse. He had to move once again and turned to alcohol. He was once spitefully asked if he found Egg-Nogg appetizing, to which he replied with “Fuck off you stinking cunt”. Humpty really WAS a “Bad Egg”.

He then got into a domestically violent relationship, with who? It is unknown, although there were rumours that it could have been the big bad wolf. This is what is believed to have pushed Humpty over the edge. He was too fragile for the abuse, even though he knew it was a fistful of love.

After a bottle of brew and a last malicious comment from his current partner “clamber back into the ducks arse of where you came” Humpty was at the lowest point of his life. He climbed onto the wall and thought about his life. He thought about the constant trail of abuse and hatred that everybody seemed to feel for him and he realised there was nothing left for him, but death. He jumped and had a great fall.

He was still very much alive when all the King’s horses and all the King’s men arrived, but there was nothing they could do. A nearby witness heard Humpty shout “Call the fucking ambulance!” but it was no use. It was clear the King wanted to be the only egg in the village.

There is a massive controversy to that of Humpty Dumpty’s death. Some people believe he is currently living in Holland with the likes of Tupac and Elvis Presley, but wherever he is, it is agreed that no amount of plastic surgery will bring Humpty back to the Egg he once was.