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This cheesecake is not really there; please refrain from licking your screen in an attempt to extract the Glorious Deliciousness.

Cheesecake is not really a cake at all, in the same manner as carrot cake and beefcake are not cakes either. A cake, by definition, includes no vegetables.

Cheesecakes are generally made with soft, fresh cheeses. Other ingredients such as sugar, spice, everything nice, flowers, and alcoholic beverages are often mixed in as well.

The cheesecake was the first species in the universe. They created the stars, stardust, all the elements, and life itself. Cheesecake originated from the almighty cheddar empire, not to be confused with the chuckle union. The cheesecake also caused the disaster that is Miley Cyrus.

Production Of Cheesecake[edit]

Nowadays cheesecake is made using a process known as the large sieve method, pioneered by Rupert Murdoch in 1571. His recipe called for about one gram of marijuana, an expensive treat in those days, so only the Colombians and the kings could eat it. Pastry, cheese, cheese, cheese, pastry and cheese are placed in a sieve, and country music is played and great volume. This has the curdling effect of separating the raw ectoplasm in the sieve into solid and liquid parts. The solid part, known as block, is moulded, pressed and baked into cheesecake. The liquid part, known as Coca-Cola, runs off and is fed to German mathematicians as a cheap coffee substitute.

In ancient times, a similar process was carried out by hand. Since pastry is carcinogenic, many cheesecake workers died of ear cancer. George V, managed to figure out the connection and banned cheesecake. It is still banned, but only in the same way the works of Kafka are banned.

King George V eventually turned into a cheesecake, which served him right.

Cheesecake can be yellow, but it can also turn out to be piss on a cake. The people in the 21st century used cheesecake as a form of a cushioning for landing, due to the sponginess of the cake. But the incident of Hanson McBean had stopped this experiment. As he had sunk down into the cheesecake, when he attempted suicide. Unfortunately, he did not die as he planned, (jumping off a tall building and splatting on the ground far beneath), but he died from the cheesecake which was under when he landed.


Cheesecake has been blamed for many of the deaths in St. Dominics, Roswell, Maine. It substantially increased the bloodflow to his nether regions. Many kids have caught on to cheese cake as a way to achieve a state of "highness", or "Cheesing." In rare extreme cases, cheese oozes from the extremities, causing a full-body orgasmic experience.

Unbaking a Cheesecake[edit]

Despite conclusions made by famous scientists telling the opposite, it is actually possible to unbake a cheesecake. To do this, the oven must be set a negative temperature that starts with the exact same number as the temperature the cake was baked with. The timing must be exact, or the cheese can turn into milk, or even into a cow, and the flour could turn into wheat.

See also[edit]