Basement-dweller (species)
| Basement-dweller | |
|---|---|
 These two basement-dwellers are well-camouflaged in their natural habitat. | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Animalia (though sometimes plant-like) |
| Class | Mammalia |
| Genus | Homo |
| Species | Homo internetticus |
“Who you calling a HOMO???”
The basement-dweller (Homo internetticus) is, as the name implies, a basement-dwelling primate, believed to have developed fairly recently. The species is a biped, but only on trips to the bathroom; at other times it is completely sedentary.
Communication[edit]
Some recent studies suggest that the basement-dweller is a distant evolutionary relative of the human. Indeed, some humans (usually of the subspecies parent) have, believing the two species interchangeable, attempted to bring a basement-dweller aboveground, which can be very dangerous to the basement-dweller's health and the wellbeing of everyone around him. For this reason, it is important to have a basic edumacation about the species.
A basement-dweller has linguistic skills resembling that of the typical ogre. Excessive verbal speech around them renders them confused and frustrated, leading to a possible attack. Provocation should be avoided by communicating instead with written text when possible. If use of the local native language is ineffective, the researcher should also try txt spk, lolspeak, and 1337 5p34k.
"Despite their lack of speech skills, the basement-dweller's intelligence shouldn't be underestimated," points out leading biologist Bill Nye, who has recently made groundbreaking discoveries regarding the Loch Ness Monster. "While the average IQ is lower than that of an average human, averages are relative—most humans are also stupider than average, so the difference isn't as big as it seems." This statement was accompanied by a number of sound effects and cheesy visuals.
Large basement-dweller populations fill the Internet, where the literacy rate is at least as high as among humans. It is entirely possible to carry on a conversation with a basement-dweller over the interwebz as long as you are fluent in at least one of the dialects mentioned above.
Basement-Dwellers in the Wild[edit]
Physically, basement-dwellers choose to inhabit dark, isolated spaces such as basements, usually located in America. Despite some controversy as to whether their habitat is there or cyberspace, they are officially listed as residing on the Internet, where more than 99% spend over twelve hours per day. Preferred domains within the Internet vary; many show a curious attraction to pornography websites, and they also heavily populate Omegle.
Basement-dwellers have a number of enemies and predators in the wild, including trolls, assholes, site administrators/wikipedophiles, and anything that reminds them that life exists outside of the Internet and their basement. They have developed a number of defenses against such threats: for example, their unusual fingers are well-adapted to allow fast typing should they encounter one of these threats.
Diet[edit]
The species is described as omnomnomnivorous, though many specimens observed have been known to display largely carnivorous tendencies. A large portion of their diet tends to consist of cola, pizza, and Cheetos.
The basement-dweller has extraordinarily refined hunting techniques; the method primarily observed is to sit and wait for their mother to bring them some food. Their tendency to vegetate at their computer and complete inability to do anything else makes them extremely well-adapted to this hunting method.
Reproduction[edit]
As yet, very little sign of any type of mating has been observed in basement-dwellers. Certain behaviours such as frequent visits to dating websites suggest an interest in sexual engagement, but with such a low number of matches being successful, it is still a mystery how basement-dwellers typically reproduce.
Basement-Dwellers at Ground Level[edit]
A basement-dweller is unlikely to leave its den under normal circumstances. If you see one aboveground, it could be a sign that the Internet is down. Contact the nearest wildlife authority and your Internet provider as quickly as possible.
Basement-dwellers are clumsy at ground level; in addition to a lack of coordination in general, the bright daylight may disorient them. Their field of vision is a rectangle roughly the size of a computer screen, allowing them very little peripheral vision.
While neither strong nor coordinated, the thick layer of fat resulting from their diet of pizza and soda makes basement-dwellers dangerous fighters on any occasion where they actually manage to land a blow.