Barra

The flag of Barra, created by a local council worker who put the Danish flag into MS Paint.

Barra (Ringochroadoch Mòr in Scottish Gaelic), is an island in the Western Isles of Scotland and is the world's largest ring road. When the Monaco Grand Prix was canceled in 1993 due to concerns that the heat was too much for that years primarily Northern European drivers, agents of the Formula One had to find a new location, and fast, as the race was scheduled a week from the Monaco debacle. The then relatively uninhabited island of Barra was chosen as a location, and a slapdash track was made by contractors from Stornoway. Since then, the island has been home to tens of Formula One fans, who wait with bated breath for the competition to come back.

The original artistic impression of the Barra course. The road still stands today.

Formula one '93

The Formula One race that took place on the island in 1993 sprung many controversies. On the day of the race, drivers and their cars piled onto the Oban-Castlebay ferry, only for it to be canceled due to issues with the cafeteria's deep-fryer. This delayed the race by 5 hours. By the time the race began, it was 5 PM, and thus dusk had begun to fall on the island, rendering racers impaired due to the lack of lamposts. Regardless, the race began, and on the 3rd lap, the heavens opened, leaving the track a slippery, potholed mess. The drivers continued, and for a few more laps no accidents happened until a local crofter ignorant of the race let his sheep out. Thus began the great livestock massacre of 1993. Cotton flew everywhere, sheep carcasses slid over the slipstream build of the cars, and raw, bloody mutton hit the driver's visors. By the 7th lap, drivers abandoned their vehicles and ran back to their team, incessed and traumatized by the bloodshed they had witnessed. Thus, the Barra 1993 Grand Prix ended in a no contest. Fans who traveled from all over the world were left disappointed and disturbed.

The Scottish Government, determined to not let the new road go to waste and help the world forget about the controversy of the race, offered any fan who wished to move to the island a croft and £5,000. This venture rendered successful, as many disillusioned city folks took up the offer. Since the race, Barra has been home to about 86 people, 74 of those weren't there before 1993, making it the second most populous island in Scotland. Many adapted well to the island life, taking up complaining, gossip, and Catholicism, while others found it to be too alien, instead opting to move north to the Isle of Harris.

Gaelic

One initiative that scared off a lot of incomers was the mandatory Gaelic classes, in a bid to retain the unique culture of the island. Many newcomers embraced the language and attended their classes, and since then Barra has become the Gaelic capital of the world. However, questions were raised when fluent Gaelic speakers came to the island and couldn't understand a word they were saying. It was soon found that the Gaelic teachers were using Duolingo as a primary source.

Efforts have been made to Anglicise the island as even the most steadfast Gaelic speaker is left mystified by the variation used in Barra. However, locals have been known to mobilize and shoot holes in the local ferry when it is rumored English teachers are approaching the island. Thus, the Government has backed down and instead registered Barra as a 'cultural anomaly' of the United Kingdom. Keen Gaelic speakers come from all over the world, from places such as Ireland and Inverness to sample the unique linguistics of the locals, but often take the afternoon ferry back to the mainland when they are met with a variety of grunts, babbling, and inaudible gurgles. The 'Barra Gaelic Bible' was created in 2002 and was denounced by Pope Benedict XVI. This variation of the Bible contains many historical inaccuracies, placing Lewis Hamilton at the Last Supper and Susan Boyle as an apostle of Jesus Christ himself.

When unassuming tourists arrive on the island and speak English, it is often found that they are captured and held in Kisimul Castle, until they can offer forgiveness in the local language. An undercover documentary made by Channel 4 found that prisoners are given a Barra Gaelic Dictionary and an iPad with Duolingo Premium, and given 3 days to speak their peace. When Boris Johnson was asked why the Government has done nothing about this pseudo-militaristic group he simply responded 'Please, just leave them alone. I have enough on my plate with Putin. First, we free Ukraine, then we can set our sights on Castlebay.'

Transport

Barra is famous for a local alcoholic pilot, who charters a plane that lands on a beach, as it sure as hell ain’t big enough for a runway. What began as a pub dare, the pilot started his plane (fully inebriated) and took off, making a wide berth around the island while his mates watched on as he descended onto the shores of Traigh Mor (big beach in normal language). They thought that he had crashed into the sea, but were happy to see him striding over the sand dunes, can of Guinness in hand. Upon hearing this, the local tourist board saw an opportunity. They invited the pilot to a meeting in which they agreed he would fly passengers from Glasgow and Stornoway onto the beach, thus improving the local economy and bringing a whole new dimension of tourism to the island.

The Barra airplane after a successful landing. The pilot was only 3 pints down.

Since said alcoholic pilot began landing passenger charters on the beach, there has only been a few instances where human life was at risk. The first being when the pilot was particularly drunk, and stumbled out of the local pub, determined that the flight would go ahead. He took a wrong turn over the Irish sea and ended up heading for America. So drunk was the pilot that he fell asleep. Thankfully the vessel's automatic flight mechanisms took control, and he coasted along the Atlantic, waking up just as he made it to New York, narrowly missing the world trade center. It is said that George W. Bush was so inspired by the pilots story that he began to plan 9/11 days after.

Another infamous incident was when said pilot blacked out during a flight from Glasgow. He had been in the airport lounge and sunk 12 double whiskeys but like any good alcoholic he sobered up with a coffee before heading to the cockpit. 17 minutes into the flight, he sunk down the seat and puked in his hat. The co-pilot was brand new to the job and couldn't get control of the vehicle. Luckily, famed Hollywood actor Tom Hanks, fresh from filming the blockbuster airplane film Sully, was on board. He managed to take control of the plane while the pilot sobered up on shortbread and tiny bottles of water. The plane landed on Traigh Mor just before high tide, and Hanks was rewarded with the keys to Barra. Unfortunately, mainstream news services didn't really cover this incident, as they were too afraid to visit the hallowed isle.

Religion

Barra is home to an interesting interpretation of Catholicism, one which emphasises the importance of the Virgin Mary and her practices in conception. Locals will often get ready to procreate by lying the female down on a table naked while the man stands at the other side of the room, fully clothed, and prays for the Lords seed. It has been reasoned that this form of ‘spiritual sex’ is why Barra’s population remains so low. The UK Governments department of Sexual Health and Reproduction (overseen by the ghost of Margaret Thatcher) has sent envoys to the island to help teach the locals about scientific sexual habits, however when drop in sessions were offered locals rioted. Unused to images of genitalia and sexual positions such as ‘The Houdini’ and the ‘Backwards Cowboy’, many keen students of sex fainted and began speaking in tongues.