Stornoway
“Hai cove! Did you hear we're getting an I̶c̶e̶l̶a̶n̶d̶! How about an A̶l̶d̶i̶?̶... a L̶i̶d̶l̶?... Ah, fuck it. ”
Stornoway (Steoeornobhaiggughachoch in Gaelic) is the wettest town in the Highlands of Scotland and the second dullest next to Dingwall. It is known for its beautiful Lews Castle (now containing a Starbucks) and its fishing industry, which often attracts many international ships, such as Icelandic ships which went the wrong way to the new world. Despite a depleting population, Stornoway holds the title of biggest town in the Western Isles, closely lead by the vastly populated St Kilda, Scotland. It is home to the Comhairle, (Council in Gaelic) famous around the country for their well organised bin-collecting scheme, and ability to squander tax wealth.
History[edit]
Stornoway was founded when Vikings couldn't find a village to pillage on the Western Isles so instead decided to set up their own. The first recorded building in Stornoway was the popular Woolies, where Viking settlers traded jelly snakes and cola bottles through an ancient system known as pic agus mixoch. Sadly, the ancient store closed down in 2008. Stornoway continued to grow, and more people began to find the settlement. Ronald McDonald, leader of Clan McDonald and founder of the famous fast food chain, Burger King, set off from the Isle of Muck to find the new land mainlanders called America, to grow his fast food chain. To his discretion, the clan's boat filled with special burger sauce and pickles crashed into the Lewis coast. The survivors set off to find locals and were greeted by angry Vikings screaming foreign insults at them. The locals soon calmed down when offered a Whopper. Clan McDonald bartered with the Stornowegians and managed to set up the world's first Burger King, solidifying Stornoway as one of Scotlands more important towns, and for a day its capital, until the ferry got canceled that night. Important mainland dignitaries couldn't make it to the formal ceremony. Further growth took place and Stornoway soon became the largest city in Scotland. It was stripped of this title when Woolies shut down and an immigrant crisis took place, causing many confused islanders to go off in search of knickers and frying pans elsewhere.
After centuries of Viking rule, English royalty including Queen Elizabeth I arrived in the town on a safari holiday, eager to see the infamous rowdy locals and potentially take a few back to London so they could man Scottish gift shops, an incredibly lucrative venture which southern aristocrats pegged could make London a globally renowned city, with tourists traveling from all over to sample Scottish specialties without having to cross the dreaded border. So impressed were the royals by the town that they decided to buy it off the Norwegians. Ever since the town has been a favorite vacation spot for the British royal family. It is well-known that King Charles III had his first ever alcoholic drink in a local pub, coincidentally named The Crown. The young King got so hammered in the bar that he promised the local barmaid, Camilla Parker-Bowles that he would marry her one day. After a lengthy and well publicised marital dispute between him and Princess Diana he came back to The Crown and fulfilled the promise.
The religious hysteria which makes Stornoway famous worldwide started In 1984, when Christianity was brought to the island when famous beetle and lesser-known minister Ringo Starr formed the Stornoway Sunday-not-Funday Church. After only 10 minutes, the church split as they couldn't decide on oak pews or pine pews. This resulted in the creation of the Stornoway Anti-most-things Church. Since these two laid the groundwork, the original Church has split an estimated 275.37 times. NASA has said that if this keeps up, every individual Christian in the town may have their own church.
There are many religious tensions in Stornoway. The Christians rule the land, whereas the atheists/agnostics are oppressed because they can't go to Tesco on a Sunday. The local council has patented a bio-weapon known as brainwashing gas, let out into the town weekly from the Battery Park power station. This is done to secure the religious elites' jobs in the council. The Chinese government has declared interest in purchasing the bio-weapon. It has also been reported by the Events newspaper that a Terminator-Style robot is being developed using council money. It will be used to annihilate anyone who dare have an opinion opposing the church. Statisticians have noted that church may be banned on a Sunday any day now.
Nowadays, Stornoway is sustained by a temperamental government-funded ferry company known as Caledonian MacBrayne. Locals often turn up, suitcases packed and time taken off work to be told they cannot escape the hallowed town, while they watch motor homes of considerable length drive onto the ferry manned by English vacationists.
Many of these English vacationists come to love and appreciate the island lifestyle, and in their travels come to the conclusion they would like to make Stornoway/the Isle of Lewis their permanent residence, therefore pricing young locals out of housing for the sake of a comfortable 10-year retirement and death.
In the 21st century, the Stornoway diaspora is changing. Populated by strange mainlanders who wish to appropriate the island lifestyle and Gaelic language for a chance at seeming exotic, true locals are becoming a rather wrathful bunch, kept sane only by their moaning which is contingent on the continued settlement of the mainlanders, causing an interesting phenomenon in which both groups are sustained by one another.
Districts[edit]
Cromwell Street is a historical site as the first ever Burger King and Woolies were opened on the shopping hotbed. Sadly, it had been reduced to having but a Co-op and an Argos. However, the street is the busiest shopping street in the Western Isles, and also the busiest in Europe, followed closely by Oxford Street. Business' strive to open a store on the golden quarter-of-a-mile.
The Cearns (Gaelic for something, probably just a nonsense word) is a district of Stornoway usually associated with poor housing and therefore troubled youth. It is a hub of pure violence and is often referred to as Scotland's answer to the infamous Gang Violence in South Side Los Angeles. Like Los Angeles, it is dominated by two rival gangs, the Cearns Youth Team and the Gaelic Mafia. Both are equally dangerous yet the Gaelic Mafia has the advantage of being funded by the local Comhairle. Famous members of the Gaelic Mafia include Darth Vader and Bono (disambiguation).
Efforts have been made to stop the violence, and you can now often walk into the Cearns without fear of forced Gaelic classes or seeing teenagers in tracksuits. In fact, you can admire the newly opened play parks and re-paved pavements but will be reminded of the violence by ripped pages from Gaelic dictionaries. In a peace treaty compared to the Good Friday agreement, Tony Blair bartered with the Gaelic Mafia and came to a deal which included the whole of Scotland getting Gaelic road signs in exchange for peace.
The Newton area of Stornoway is increasing in popularity as it becomes harder for locals to book the ferry. If you have real estate in Newton, you can see the ferry coming in, and dash into your car to make the standby lane in the hopes you can escape the island.
The Arnish area on the outskirts of the town has acted as a manufacturing hub for months at a time. Current contractors, Harland and Wolff have pinky promised local councilours that they will stick around and employ the local labour force, however, images snapped by a local Stornoway Gazette reporter show that the CEO had his fingers crossed behind his back when he uttered this pledge. Arnish was historically considered a massive benefit to the island community, with young men and women being granted well-paid jobs in the 70s and 80s when traditional island jobs such as complaining and staring out the window were on a sharp decline and mostly occupied by the older population.
The Castle Grounds is famous for being the world's largest open-air brothel. Locals of all ages congregate in the grounds to solicit sex off one another. Tourists often walk the grounds and try to enjoy the natural landscape before they are interrupted by orgasmic yells which can often be mistaken for the honk of a dying Goose. Efforts have been made to clean up the area but landscapers are often allured in and distracted by horny dogwalkers.
Famous exports[edit]
Stornoway is most famous for its son, former U.S. President Donald Trump (Dòmhnall Ian in Gaelic) (Donald the Bod to locals). He strived to become leader of his home town's Comhairle, but was beaten out for lax policies on Sunday sunbathing. Instead, he settled for leader of the free world. Since the alleged ‘theft’ of his presidential candidacy in 2020, Trump has made frequent visits back to his motherland, and can often be seen sitting sombrely in the corner of the Caladh by himself, ordering his entourage of bodyguards to get him another plate from the carvery. Trump’s wife, Melania (nee. Morrison, it is widely unknown that she is a native Stornowegian) can often be seen browsing Harris Tweed Hebrides in the town centre on a Saturday and catching up with old friends, while Donald gets cratefuls of Black Pudding loaded onto his Boeing 757. Advanced talks were in place to use Black Pudding as a means of US border security. According to experts Black Pudding scares even the impenetrable Mexican palate away.
As Trump gears up for his 2024 reelection campaign, he has been seen meeting with local MP and fellow extramarital indulgee Angus Brendan MacNeil, looking for expert advice on how to rally a passionate, patriotic and nationalistic base of supporters.
Stornoway is also known for its aforementioned black pudding, made locally from whatever is found on the moor (Gaelic for field), and in the local butcher Morag's fridge. Tourists go crazy over it, and due to widespread riots when quantities are low, the delicacy has been banned in the United States of America. As mentioned previously, Donald Trump is an avid fan, and granted himself a presidential pardon from the law allowing him to be the only American citizen who can legally retain possession of the delicacy. Many have attributed his irrational and unpresidential behaviour during his time in the Oval Office to the neurologically sedative effects of the foodstuff when taken in medium to high doses.
The Stornoway music scene is renowned in Scotland for its folk charm and musical talent. Peat and Diesel took the local music scene by storm with such best selling releases as their sophomore album ‘Dark Side of the Moor’.
The town, regardless of its proximity to the locality, profits greatly from the export of Harris Tweed. Harris Tweed is a type of clothing that was once sewn by the locals of Lewis and Harris but is now produced in a Chinese sweatshop, commissioned by businessmen with degrees in Design and International Finance, who seek to profit off the romanticisation of Scottish culture due to TV shows such as Outlander, and movies such as Shrek.
Another famous native was the acclaimed Gaelic singer-songwriter and children's entertainer Donnie Dòtaman. Dòtaman, after having left The Rolling Stones following a dispute regarding Gaelic songwriting techniques (abundant use of whisky even Mick Jagger found worrying, nonsense rhyming, etc.) was left busking on the streets of his hometown. An unnamed BBC executive, having stumbled out of the pub, witnessed his talent and offered him a TV show. The original Dòtaman’s rendition ran for 3 seasons before Dòtaman hung up his guitar. Government feared mass riots and civil unrest due to the titular star's departure, and the show borrowed the famous regeneration trope from Doctor Who. Actors who have since inherited the sought-after role include Tom Cruise, in a lesser-known chapter of his career, and Steve Coogan, which he agreed to do under the misconception that the character was an Alan Partridge-style parody of Gaelic singers.
Famous landmarks[edit]
- A feature on the outskirts of town that made national headlines was established when some inspired locals built a 23 foot tall magnet in the back of their shed which produced a magnetic field of about 43 Tesla, propped it up on the coast and managed to drag an oil rig to shore. In what is called ‘the siege on Carloway cliffs’, these land pirates boarded the oil rig with intentions of stealing the fossil fuels. When those on board the vessel were alerted they phoned the coastguard who used an apache helicopter to take out the bandits. Such damage was done to the legs of the rig that the firm in possession left it there.
- The town is renowned for its many modern art installments, such as the pyramid outside of Argos and that build-up of discarded Irn Bru bottles on the side of Church Street that tourists mistake for a Banksy.
- Once every year, Stornoway is home to the world-famous Hebridean Celtic Festival, which has been headlined by artists such as Van Morrison and Runrig. Locals use it as an excuse to get pissed whereas tourists flock from all over to appreciate a form of island culture that is engineered to appeal to them.
- The Lewis Chessmen will often be taken to Stornoway by the British Museum, even though the Chessmen are considered to be originally Norwegian, great debate is contested on wether the Chessmen are held in Scotland or England. But, at this point, who cares? You can buy replicas on eBay or Etsy. It’s the 2020s. Get over it.
- Stornoway is also home to a nationally renowned fishing industry. Tourists can walk the harbours of the town and see grumpy old men open empty lobster pots and curse other Europeans for fishing in their seas. (Beware, if you are from one of these European countries, you might want to give the harbour a miss as it has been known some tourists end up walking the plank in the North Sea).
- Lews Castle is a pretty new castle by historical standards but ‘’no one needs to know that’’ according to a statement printed in the local paper by the tourist board. Built by Opium trader Sir James Matheson, he used it as a tax write-off while he vacationed in the Bahamas. When asked if he would like to spend a week in the castle by a butler, Matheson said 'That shithole? Just give it to the locals, they can turn it into a fank or something.' Since then, it was inherited by the local parish and housed Van Morrison when he came up for the Heb Celt Festival.
Sport[edit]
Football is the most popular sport in the town, closely followed by the CSBL (Competitive Shed Builder League). Locals gather at the Goathill Stadium to watch Stornoway United play teams from all over the world, but mainly from Lewis and Harris. Players such as Roy Keane have donned the Mandarin kits, and when local plumber Alex Ferguson got some job down south he asked Keane to come with him and the two were never seen again.
Local football fans tend to support one of two clubs, Glasgow Rangers or Celtic. Stornoway is home to the largest Rangers supports club outside of Glasgow. It is believed that Rangers went bankrupt in 2012 as the Stornoway ferry was cancelled that weeks match-day and they couldn’t make any money from the supporters heavy drinking and lucrative spending in the club shop. Thankfully, generous patrons passed a collection around the supporters club and managed to raise enough money to save the historic team. As a result, Rangers now come and play Stornoway United annually as a form of appreciation, which is nice as they have been routinely thrashed and embarrassed by the local team. It is said that Steven Gerrard was found alone crying on a bench in the Castle Grounds after a particularly tough 8-1 flogging.
Some local lunatics also play a game called Shinty. No one knows what it is and most are too afraid to ask. All that sports scientists have been able to discern is that there is no real rules and a unique language of grunting, shouting and farting is used as a means of communication between players. Natives of the elusive Sentinel Island are the only other recorded humans to play the game; leading scientists to believe that inbreeding is to blame.
When the Shinty players lose their sticks, or leave them out at the peats, a special Lewis variation of Rugby is often played instead. Two tall buggers from Ness stand with a plank of wood between them to make the goalposts, while players must try carry the smallest player on their team (called the PeèWeè, Gaelic for little person) and boot them through the opposing sides goal. In the old days, the PeèWeè would often end up dead or at least suffer brain damage, but thanks to modern advances in transport (the bus) the injured can be taken to the hospital in at least half an hour.
Places nearby[edit]
See also[edit]
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