The Proclaimers

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The proclaimers after the release of their first album in 1903

“These Scots taste funny. Pass me another!”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Proclaimers

The Proclaimers are a homicidal duo from Fife in Scotland, best known for their "I'm Gonna Kill (500 Dudes)." They believed themselves to be acting on orders from the Great Permissive Dude in the Sky Who Lets Us Do Whatever We Want, and probably weren't. Liberal Christians awarded their orginality in murder and attempt to define what was right for them, and not for others, with the John Geoghan Award for Liberal Christian Committment. However, they killed Geoghan after receiving the award, only to be eaten by Roseanne.

Their second most famous track was entitled "Letter From America", a harrowing tale about when the duo received notice from top American doctors that they had fallen prey to the fatal 'Ugly Speccy Bastards from Leith' sydrome. The disease, which has no known cure, was originally discovered in Botswana when the first sightings of wild Leith Computer Programmers were recorded. It came as a shock to the two, especially considering they could not remember being tested.

Unkown facts about The Proclaimers[edit]

John Lennon (pictured) is said to be one of The Proclaimers victims.
  • Adolf Hitler based his book 'Mein Kampf' on the life of The Proclaimers
  • Were widely credited for the incredible shortage of eyeglasses in many South American countries including Argenitalia, Bowlivia and New Mexico.
  • While the two Proclaimers are said to be the same guy, this is untrue. They are, in reality, two clones of the same guy. The original guy was killed in Glasgow in 1899 by the Proclaimers, his own artificial bloodspawn.
  • In 1904, were forced to re-write their biggest hit, to be called "I'm Gonna Kill (804.672 Dudes)" to fit the newly introduced Metric system.
  • The duo actually have super powers, given to them by Xena: Warrior Princess, who was a keen fan of their music, built into their garish glasses. The power allows them to brainwash people into thinking they are actually worth listening to every New Year and enjoyed. Without their glasses however this power is rendered mute.
  • Charlie Reid was once suspended from Auchtermuchty Primary School on three accounts of arson.
  • After the victimisation of John Lennon, they stole his lyrics for Yellow Submarine and released it as their own two months later.
  • One of the brothers (the spectacle wearing brother) lost a testicle during his adolescence. Rumours of it emigrating to Australia have, as of yet, been unproven.
  • The Duo were originally born in Burnley , They deny this to full extent , but their birth records reveal the truth.
  • The visually challenged brothers are regularly seen around the harbour in Leith attempting to have sex with portable generators, from where they got the inspiration for their internationally acclaimed hit single "Whoaa who thae fucks shat in mae tammy?

Greatest Hits[edit]

  • Letter From America
  • Return To Sender
  • King Of The Road
  • The Noodle Song
  • Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go
  • I Want To Be A Muslim
  • You're My Specky Four Eyed Cunt
  • I Can't Love Your Body If Your Hearts Not In It
  • I'm On My Way (From Misery to Cowdenbeath Today)
  • I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
  • She Got the Ring, I Got the Finger
  • I'm Gonna Kill (500 Dudes)

When I wake up, yeah I know I’m gonna kill
I’m gonna kill the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out, yeah I know I’m gonna kill
I’m gonna kill the man who goes along with you

If I get drunk, yes I know I’m kill be
I’m gonna kill the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver, yeah I know I’m gonna kill
I’m gonna kill the Scotsman who thought of the word "haver"!

But I would kill 500 dudes
And I would kill 500 more
Just to be the man who killed 1000 dudes
Left in a great big pile by your front door

Where Are They Now?[edit]

One fateful day on November 16th, 3629, The Proclaimers were swallowed whole by Roseanne suddenly, there is no explanation.

While the stomach acids slowly digest the duo, they constantly play strip poker matches against Boba Fett, Bin Ladin, and Joe Pesci, it will take four hundred razillion years for the stomach acid to completely digest them, so they hope to earn the power of the Super Duper Ultimate Poker God.

See Also[edit]