Kirkcaldy

Winner of Kirkcaldy male beauty contest 2011.

Kirkcaldy is a town in the ancient kingdom of Fifeshire in Scotland. Earliest evidence of settlement in this area dates back to about 4000 years BC. Some modernisation has occurred since then, notably the introduction of gas street lighting in 1888, but in many respects the town remains rooted in pre-history.

Pre-History

The Garden of Eden (Ker K' Cawday in the Hewbruhem language) was located on the site of what is now known as Ravenscraig Park. Adam, a local man who played the flute met Eve, a snake charmer, and they began begatting. Neither Adam nor Eve ever held a job, and this tradition continues with many of the town's residents up until today. They had two sons: Cain and Abel, and it is thought that they had a dog called Rover - possibly a chihuahua.

Later, a local man named locally as Moses Macdonald, parted the seas, allowing the inhabitants to cross the Firth of Forth for the first time. (The second, third and fourth crossings of the Firth of Forth did not happen until 1983.) Crossing, the locals discovered Edinburgh, and the people of Kirkcaldy realised that they were not the only life in the universe.

The Middle Ages

Queen Mary of Scots lived in an ex-council house in the town's Templehall area, between the years 1570. It was here that she devised her plans to blow up the Houses of Parliament on Guy Fox night in 1574. The plot was uncovered by a nosy neighbour, Mrs Elizabeth Net-Curtains who duly reported her to the police. After the call, the police took fifteen days to respond, as they were, as usual, chasing young delinquents and alcohol imbibers. However, when they did arrive, Mrs Net-Curtains was able to give them enough information to secure a conviction.

In 1603, the Links Market started. Originally, this was an opportunity for showmen and travellers to entertain the locals with many freak shows and boxing booths. Sadly, the freak shows declined with the invention of the mirror, after the locals realised that they, themselves, were strange. The Links Market continues but without freak shows, though brightly coloured orange girls and boys wearing trackies continue to entertain.

The 20th Century

The 20th century reached Kirkcaldy on the 12 February 1912, owing to a problem with immigration control. As Kirkcaldy is in the Kingdom of Fife, passports are required to be shown on entry. The 20th century assumed, like many others, that Kirkcaldy was part of the United Kingdom. This is not the case. Owing to its late arrival, the 20th century was less significant than the 19th century.

First World War

Heir apparent to the town's provostship [English equivalent to a mayor] Archie Duke Frankie Feartheman was assassinated in the Templehall Tavern on the 28th June 1914. This caused the start of the first World War but no one can ever quite remember why. The war happened, and Kirkcaldy men were at the forefront of securing victory.

Second World War

Kirkcaldy did not enter the Second World War until the 7th December 1941, when the Japanese attacked the town's harbour. Prostitutes were outraged as the harbour area accounted for 90% of their business. Beryl Harbour, one of the ladies of the night, demanded a retaliation, and so Kirkcaldy joined the war. Kirkcaldy's finest ended the war in 1945. It is thought that the USA also entered the war about the same time, but their forces spent a lot of time talking about baseball and the wonderments of the land of the free, and so did little fighting.

Moon Landing

In 1968, a group of students from the town's college created a rocket capable of delivering two men to the moon and back. The astronauts chosen were Neil MacArmstrong and Edwin 'Buzzed' Auldyin. Takeoff was on the 16th of July, 1968 at 13:32:00 UTC Mrs MacArmstrong was there to wave her husband off, but Mrs Auldyin did not attend. She was in the Alpha Bar playing bingo.

The rocket landed safely and MacArmstrong left the pod. As he did so, he said, "This is a wee steppie for a normal man, but an awfy big leap fur a Kirkcaldy boy like maself." This translates into English thus: "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", and was copied the following year when some American also landed on the moon.

The Kirkcaldy men did not like the moon, and returned to earth a few days later. Auldyin told reporters on his re-arrival that "It wasnae made o' cheese at all."

Modernity

Modernity arrived in 1932 and left in 1933. Since then, the town has ceased to develop alongside the modern world. This explains why people from Kirkcaldy still talk of 'going over the watter [water]' when a trip to Edinburgh is mooted. Kirkcaldy people are timid and inward looking creatures, and the thought of mixing with 'ither fowk' [other people from outwith the area] is viewed with, at best, suspicion and at worst outright hostility.

Return of Modernity

Modernity returned in 2006, when The Alpha Bar had a facelift. Following a complaint from local animal charities that the venue was unsuitable for the vermin who drank in it, the pub owners bought a carpet, threw out the spittoons, and built a beer garden. Modernity had few other effects on the town, apart from the phasing out of gas street lighting.

Kirkcaldy and the sea.

Leisure Facilities

There are some shops. There are some libraries. There is a swimming pool. There is a theatre. There is an art gallery. There are inns and taverns. There are parks. There is ample streetlighting. The highlight of every month, however, is when the tide is high and some waves crash over the sea wall. Locals will run along the promenade and cheer one another on with cries of 'heer cummes a muckle yin neebs' [here comes a large wave whose spillage over the sea wall may very well catch you, and cause your clothing to become wet, you cheeky, but friendly, devil].

Another popular pastime is car racing, and the local council have built a racing track along the town's seafront, called The Esplanade.

Sport

Football

The local football team is called Faith Rovers. Formed in 1432, the team have consistently survived on faith and determination.

Ice hockey

Fife Fryers, the ice hockey team, was originally established to allow former Canadians who had settled here after the war to play together. As most Canadians at that time worked in chip shops (retail outlets selling what North Americans call 'French fries'), and Kirkcaldy's situation in the Kingdom of Fife, the name Fife Fryers seemed apposite.

Darts

Darts was invented here by a toothless local called Jocky Wilson. He invented darts as a method of killing cows. Prior to this, townspeople had lunged, vampire-style, at cows and had bitten them to death. Wilson, owing to his toothless status, was unable to kill any creatures, and struggled at the feasts which followed. His dart system was straightforward: he aimed the dart at the cow's eye, and blinded the poor creatures. He was then able to devour the beast in a leisurely manner. It was because of this unusual method of attack that the dart board, to this day, has a centre-piece known as the cow's eye.

Famous Residents

Kirkcaldy has more than its fair share of residents who have sought fame and glory, or had fame and glory inflicted upon them.

Gordon Brown

Gordon Brown was raised in Kirkcaldy. His father was a Church of Scotland minister, and the young Brown would often follow his father around the church, opening the collection boxes and taking money out of them. This experience proved useful in later life when, as Prime Minister of the UK, he stole money from everyone including babes in nappies to pay off the bankers' debts.

Adam Smith

Adam Smith, 'the father of economics' was born here, some time before Mr Brown. Smith married a local woman, who, by virtue of being from the Templehall area of town, had a reputation with men. She cheated on Adam Smith, and Economics was actually fathered by some bloke called Charlie who also used to drink in the 'Division of Labour Pub'. Economics grew up to have her own very successful career, and Smith raised her as if she were his own.

Val McDermid

The author Val McDermid was born here. Her children's books starring the weird and wacky Dr Tony Hill are about a hospital porter who pretends to be a criminal psychologist. He investigates murders for PC Plod, and explains why the ladies were mutilated and by whom. McDermid does not do her own illustrations; these are drawn by artist Jack Vettriano, from the nearby seaside resort of Methil.

Sir Sandford Fleming

Wee Sandy Fleming from Kirkcaldy used to play on the town's splendid beaches. He would gather sand and place it in an enclosed double bulb glass device. The two glass bulbs were joined by a narrow pipe, and hence the world's first egg timer was created. He moved to Canada as a young man, and there he invented time. Prior to Fleming, people had no time to do anything (Gordon Brown would later work hard to ensure that people would have lots of time. See Brown's economic policies for details.) Fleming travelled all over Canada, and began to see that time could make it easier to do things such as travel by train. He decided that each day would have 24 hours, with the morning hours being 90 minutes long and the afternoon hours being 60 minutes long. However, he made morning minutes SHORTER than afternoon minutes so that the 'hour' was the same length of time morning and afternoon.He used to drink in the Alpha Bar, currently Kirkcaldy's most happening venue.

Maw Broon

Maw Broon, mother of Hen, Joe, Daphne, Maggie, the twins, the bairn and Gordon, lived in Kirkcaldy before moving to Glebe Street in Thomsonville, DC. It was outside the Cameo Picture Palace that she first met Paw Broon, when the latter was proselytizing to the queue of people outside. They were married three weeks later and the first of the Broons arrived nearly (but not quite) nine months later. His early arrival caused a storm but not as much of a storm as that caused by Reverend Shirra.

Reverend Shirra

John Paul Jones' navy was intent on plundering Kirkcaldy, and so the Reverend Shirra took his congregation to the beach and prayed for a storm. One duly came and the invasion was called off. Jones then headed for the USA, and became a successful naval commander there. The USA has been plundering and invading countries ever since. Had Shirra not prayed for a storm, Jones would not have gone to the US and the world would be much safer today. Oh naughty reverend, what have you done?

Norrie Smith

Norrie Smith was a cannibal who lived in a cave in the town centre. He captured his victims by luring them to his 'house' by offering access to ale or food. Victims would, upon entering his cave, find themselves strangled or knifed. Norrie Smith died in 2009, having lived in the town since 1940.

Industry

Linoleum

Kirkcaldy's most famous industry is linoleum. This product was invented by a local man and his wife Lionel and Emily Nairn. Through fusing their first names, the term was born. Linoluem is exported world wide and is used variously for floor covering, wrapping up murder victims prior to disposal of the body and as a diet aid. Other uses include break-dancing, indoor tiddly-winks and water sports (its wipe clean surface being seen as ideal for the latter).

Furniture

Furniture is also made here by ESA Mcintosh. The company originally started by producing raincoats, but moved onto domestic furniture when several Kirkcaldy men were prosecuted for improper use of these raincoats. The resulting shame meant that the company no longer wished to be associated with raincoats, and so started to make sideboards and dining tables instead. These were sold across Europe, but the workers were not told this, owing to the Kirkcaldy workers' fear of other places (see discussion under modernity, above). The firm now specialises in school furniture, and sales remain high, even though most schools do not have a need for sideboards and coffee tables.

Mining

Mining was a large employer until the Seafield Colliery was closed on the personal orders of Margaret Thatcher, following an incident in which a young would-be politician named Gordon Brown told Mrs T that one day he would rule. Thatcher retaliated by closing the mine, and by killing every new born child for a period of 10 years.

Music

Kirkcaldy is famed for its musical contribution to the world.

The Fab Four

The 'Fab Four' were all born in and around Kirkcaldy, and they played many of their hits at the Templehall Tavern Club. The went on to conquer many parts of the world, though not Argentina.

After an acrimonious split, the Fab Four went their separate ways.

Paul McCanny

Paul met a vegetarian with Wings and married her. She was heiress to the world famous Dalek Westman group. He continued to write including such triumphs as 'Mull o' Kirkcaldy'. Sadly, his wife died. Eventually, though, McCanny took up marrying again and married a limbless model from Leven called Leather Bills. They divorced, and McCanny married again.

John Fleming

John left his wife, Sylvia, and married a Japanese woman called YeCanno Anono. He also continued recording, and scored a global number one hit with his song 'Give Paisley a Try.' This was an attempt to increase tourism to the Renfewshire town of Paisley.

Ringo Starr

Ringo starting a career working on the railways. He would narrate the hilarious incidents which had occured during the day to his friends in the Alpha Bar, who encouraged him to reach for a wider audience. This he did, and the 'Tam the Tanked-up Engine' was born.

Geordie Harris-Tweed

Geordie found God, and then founded the Alternative Bus Ticket Museum (see below).

BAAB

BAAB formed in the early 1970s, after meeting each other in Jackie O's Nightclub (now closed). The band's name came from the initial letters of their first names (Benjie, Annie, Aggie and Bjingo). Their first hit was Rancid Queen, an upbeat disco number about a Kirkcaldy girl who frequented discos on Friday nights when the lights were low, looking out for a place to go, where they played the right music, getting in the swing, she would be out looking for a king. Once she had attracted the attention of a suitable male, she would take him outside, even though she was young and sweet, only seventeen. There she would let him feel the beat of her tambourine (Kirkcaldy slang for fornication). Owing to the high number of sexual encounters, she was riddled with sexually transmitted diseases, hence her nickname of 'Rancid Queen' Other hits followed, including 'Kenning you, Kenning me, ye ken', Tak a Chance on Mine, Doll, and 'Super Stupor' - the latter a homage to the enjoyment experienced by many of Kirkcaldy's young people following excessive consumption of alcohol.

Trivia

• Miss Ugly 1955 was born in Kirkcaldy, though raised in the USA.
• Mr String 1999 learnt his craft in Kirkcaldy College of Fine Arts.
• Sean Connery was not a milkman in this town.
• Ewan McGregor attended Kirkcaldy Acting Academy.
• The Queen attended Pathhead Primary School. She was expelled following an incident over cheating in a spelling test.
• Paupers used to be tossed over the sea wall, when no one was able to pay for a funeral. This practice was outlawed by the European Union in 1977, and since then seagulls have come inland in search of food, much to the annoyance of residents.
• A tense nuclear standoff occured in 1963, between the Kirkcaldy Independent Communists and the US government. The Kirkcaldy Missile Crisis, as it was called, lead to the USgovernment preparing for a nuclear war, with the Soviet Union backing Kirkcaldy.
• Raith Rovers used to play in the English leagues, but after beating Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Newcastle United too often, decided that greater challenges lay in playing in the Scottish leagues. This was clearly the right decision, as the club now only occasionally scores any goals.
• There are more pubs in Kirkcaldy per person than there are bars in the whole of Kansas.
• Kirkcaldy women, on average, have 3.3 sexual partners before the age of 18. Kirkcaldy men, on average, have 5.5 sexual partners before the age of 17, though most of these exist in the imagination only.
• Kirkcaldy's Museum of Bus Tickets is one of only two such venues in the world. The other is also in Kirkcaldy, formed by a breakaway group following an acrimonious dispute, and called the Alternative Museum of Bus Tickets.
• Television was banned in Kirkcaldy until 2002, when a settlement was finally reached between the TV Licensing Authority and the 22,000 people who had never bught a television licence (license to the Americans).
• Ravenscraig Park has no ravens.
• Bath day in Kirkcaldy is traditionally the first Sunday in June.
• The Meerkat Shopping Centre was the inspiration for the Compare the Meerkat advertising campaign.
• Jesus Christ's feet did, in ancient times, walk over Kirkcaldy's pleasant land.
• The phone box in Beatty Crescent is a site of Special Scientific Interest, owing to the large number of conceptions occuring there.

Crime

The most common crime in Kirkcaldy is soliciting. Other common crimes include horse theft, fraud and buglarry (a combination of burglary and buggery). In 2011, there were 300 cases involving ladies undergarments and clothes lines.

Sheriff Court

The town has the busiest Sheriff Court in Scotland. It is open Monday to Friday (Monday thru Friday to Americans) and offers a late night trial evening on Thursdays until 2100.

Dog Walking

Kirkcaldy Dog Walking Club has asked the authors to point out that some genuine dog walking does go on in the town, and that simply because a person or persons is/are out walking with a dog does not mean that they are dogging.