Falkirk FC

The Panchen Lama (left) and the Dalai Lama (right) provide astute commentary during all Falkirk FC games, as if any pubs or homes in the area had a working telly. "Panch" is shown outside Sir Paul's Mull of Kintyre digs, "Dally" is in Shangri-la, both much safer places than the announcers booth at Falkirk Stadium.

Although a team exists by the name of Falkirk FC, the board of directors were very clever in recently relocating their "stadium" to Westfield, just outside Falkirk, Scotland. This was done so the average Falkirk fan could not go anywhere near the ground after dark due to restrictions on their electronic tag. This plan backfired slightly however, when more than one of the directors missed the last AGM for aforementioned reasons.

History

Falkirk FC was founded in 1979 when a local junkie fell over a stone whilst out for a "walk" (also known as "on the rob"), the stone travelled in a forward motion and the junkie was fascinated. He later recreated the incident in front of his mother/wife/sister and he/she was very happy for him. Together they created a new sport. However in 1984, modernity caught up with Falkirk slightly and football was brought to the town. So the team previously known as Falkirk Junkies kickin A Stane Aboot The Street was aptly renamed Falkirk Football Club.

They were banned from the SFL within their first year for attempting to play every game with a brick, and when they returned, they discovered the joys of a football. In 1994, Falkirk built Brockville stadium, a tip of a ground at which they stayed for 5 years, before it fell back down again. An inquest later revealed that that's what happens when you build a "stadium" from plasticine, stolen from the local Woolworths, or "Woolies". So Falkirk later moved to The Falkirk Stadium at Westfield where they now reside.

Ground

The Falkirk "stadium" is not in fact even a stadium at all. It only contains two stands plus a bike shed, which home fans are encouraged to break into every Saturday, in order to see the match. Handily located in the Grangemouth blast zone. Apparently the close proximity to the refinery has seen the demise of many of Falkirk village's tanning salons as locals attend matches for their fortnightly top-up. Fans who sit in the main stand are called "posh basturts" by the rest of the Falkirk scum, due to the fact they have less than 49 charges against them at any given time. Visitors to The Falkirk Stadium are seated behind the goals, as far away from the bike shed as possible, and right behind the main road, allowing for a speedy escape post-match.

The excellent Brockville Arena, that Falkirk "stadium" replaced, has been redeveloped and now serves the community as a sewerage works, disguised very neatly as a supermarket.

Unfortunately Falkirk fc have decided to sell their amazing two stand ground to .... lidl. The new project is due to start in 2011 and should be completed in 2010. However every cloud has a silver lining and all Falkirk fans will receive a free complimentary drink and 2% discount in all Dumfermline superstores. **thankyou** Pposted by Falkirks' own JOHN HUGHES

Famous Figures

Perhaps the most famous Falkirk FC figure is the current manager, John "Yogi" Hughes, so called because of his tendency to hide in Falkirk Public Park and steal food from passers by.

Furthermore, the famous Russell Latapy continues to play in the navy. Famed for smoking 40 fags a day and drinking half of Leith under the table, he is also infamous for pumping a burd at a party in Edinburgh whilst everyone in the room sang the Shaft theme tune.

Honours to date

Falkirk have won lots in their history, although they were gubbed in a Scottish Cup Final by Kilmarnock a few years ago. They have played in Europe, and will continue to do so until Scotland leaves the EU.

List of honours

2007 Tanfastic award for suntanned fans 1997 Best fans in the league - runners-up to Celtic 1989 Best football ground in Falkirk 1215 The "best place to visit before you die". As voted, by Englanders.