Manchester United Football Club

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"I didn't bite his balls, Rooney did"

“United had many players like Giggs, Beckham, Scholes and Oly Gunner Graham and....Sorry what was the question again?”

~ Denis Law

Manchester United Football Club is a large merchandising company and football club based in Manchester, England. The origins of the team are unknown, but it is believed to have been founded when the executive officers realised that they would make a great deal more money by selling heaps of merchandise off the back of a moderately successful sporting team.

The Team

The sale of merchandise is predicated upon the success of the sales team, often abbreviated simply to "Team". In order to drive up demand for team shirts, fluffy dice, novelty bottle openers and hot water bottle covers, the team must win matches. Many spectators have observed that, recently, this message needs to be filtered more effectively through to the sales team. At present the team spend an awful lot of time either passing the ball back and forth to each other and kicking it great distances in the hope that it might just fall into the goal.

First team

1. David "De HEYa" De Gaya

Spanish Goalkeeper; seems unaware that his responsibility is to ensure that the ball stays out of the net rather than within it.

Former player Gary Neville graciously receiving the Nobel Prize for Ugliest Mancunian Award.
2. Eric Bailly

Signed from Villareal because Mourinho enjoys using him on FIFA, and wants for him to be able to link up with his sweaty Premier League team.

3. Luke (are you) Shaw

Kicks the ball, sometimes in the correct direction. Signed from Southampton, but then again, who hasn't been signed from Southampton these days?

4. Phil Jones

World Gurning Champion three years running, he practices pulling horrifically ugly faces every game. Supposedly the future of England's defence, which is a future only marginally better than one where humans are enslaved by robots.

5. Marcos Rojo

Signed only because his name means "Red". Is able to play equally as badly at left-back as at centre-back.

6. Jonny Evans

A Northern Ireland international, which is an achievement on par with being voted "Miss Dundee".

7. Paul Pogba

Left for free. Came back in a deal which saw the Italian economy double in size due to the influx of that much money, and Italy receiving the Northern Territory from Australia, Kamchatka from Russia, Iowa and Missouri from the USA, and half of the Large Magellanic Cloud in which to store their riches, since if they had stored it in the solar system, the weight of the money would have shifted the Earth's orbit and fucked us all.

8. Juan Mata

Signed from Chelsea, where he was rejected for not being able to do defensive duties well. That same quality has helped him fit right in at United.

9. Zlatan Ibrahimovic

Signed for the Manchester United public relations team, who use his quotes to appease the fanbase when Manchester United are losing against Chelsea.

Wayne Rooney taking cover for Edwin van der Sar
10. Wayne 'Shrek' Rooney

Likes Harry Potter, but since he's an idiot, he must be talking about the movies and not the books since he can't read. He doesn't even know which number is which, so when he gets subbed, a large bird call is put out over the speakers for him to leave. He likes hookers, but ones near death. Yes, a granny lover. Married to a drag queen.

11. Memphis Depay

According to United fans, he is the second coming of Christ (strange, as I don't think Jesus would want to play for the "Red DEVILS"). He seems to have come through the Man Utd youth system, despite being from the Netherlands, nice to see them using great UK youth talent, then again, who have they produced since the Beckham generation?

12. Chris Smalling

In his spare time he hires himself out as a cardboard player to dribble around in training.

13. Sergio Romero

Signed by Van Gaal as revenge, since he made some saves in the shootout of the 2014 World Cup semifinal that saw his Argentina knock out Van Gaal's Netherlands.

14. Michael Carrick

Michael Carrick left London because he had a rough night in bed with Ashley Cole. Carrick felt that if he wanted to run again and continue his footballing lifestyle it was in his best interests to leave London. Carrick opted for the soft anal fuck of John O'Shea and Wes Brown instead of the rampant Ashley Cole.

15. Daley Blind

Joins the ranks of "players whose names are the conditions they suffer from", along with David Deaf and Marcus Bent.

16. Ashley Young

Professional diver; like Tom Daley but even more gay.

17. Henrikh Mkhitaryan

Manchester United has offered to any fan that can correctly pronounce his name a blowjob from a Man U player of their choice.

18. Bastian Schweinstiger

Has common sense. Trains on his own and has never played for the club.

19. Morgan Schneiderlin

Van Gaal: I want to sign Sch-

Woodward: Say no more!

(Signs both Schweinstiger and Schneiderlin since he doesn't know who Van Gaal wants but he wanted to sound cool)

Van Gaal: I meant Schmelzer you twat.

20. Ander Herrera

Leader of the Basque terrorist organisation ETA. Signed up to fight off the radical Muslims based in the Stretford End.

21. Dum-run Fletcher

Captain of the Scottish national side. He relishes meeting them as he feels playing alongside the likes of Gordon Greer gives him a better standard of football to play with.

22. Louise Antonio Villareal

Iceland's only black man.. bought for marketing purposes in the far, far north. Can also sell frozen food.

23. Marouane Fellaini

Signed by David Moyes because he played well for him at Everton. Can remove his Afro at will - it can outplay him at football, tennis and Guitar Hero.

24. Paddy McNair

The world has run out of jokes about bad defenders. So here's a limerick.
There once was a boy called McNair
Who had crap feet and even worse hair
He played for United
And was just so shite-d
That a fan kicked him into the air

Players that either buggered off or retired

1. Christiano Ronaldo

The attacking wanker has left Manchester United for Real Madrid after the smallest transfer in history for 10 pounds. He cited "Ferguson shitting in his car while they were having sex" as the main reason for leaving.

2. David Beckham

Left after Ferguson kicked a boot at his face proceeding Beckham to scream "MY FACE MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!!!!" went to Real Madrid the graveyard of former Man U players.

3. Carlos Tevez

He won the "Ugliest Man of The Year Award" 2004-2008 (current holder). Said he wants to stay in Manchester (strange since Untied isn't in Manchester) so will be lucky for him when Man City buy him at the end of the season since United can't afford him. Debt is a very bad thing, never mind £800m+ of debt.

4. Rio "OG Merkz" Ferdinand

Had to quit football to concentrate on dealing marijuana, drops a mixtipe every now and then.

5. Michael Owen

Sheep shagging bench warmer with porcelain kneecaps, only played 7 times for United. Originally hated by the fans until he scored the winning goal 13 hours into stoppage time against Man and won more Premier League titles than Liverpool. Currently plies his trade finding loopholes in assisted suicide laws.

6. Gary Neville

The Ringo Starr of the Manchester United team (don't compare him to a Scouser or he'll rip your head off!), was ever-present but contributed fuck all. He and arch-nemesis-turned-bum-chum Jamie Carragher now star as a Morecambe & Wise tribute act every Monday night on Sky television.

7. Radamel Falcao

Signed from the treatment table at Monaco to bolster the treatment table at United. Went to Chelsea so Juan Cuadrado could talk to his friend on the bench. Nickname is "The Tiger", but most people have never seen a tiger limp off a football field like that.

8. Robin van Pursestrings

Dutch striker who, having already made the regrettable choice of signing for Arsenal early in his career, fucked it up even more by signing for United. Went to some Turkish team where he engages in sensual soft-core massages with referees in order to fix matches.

Famous 'Managers'

  • Alex Ferguson Famously known as the "ole whiskey nose, Recently won the Chamions league after beating Spartak. Ferguson then famously ran onto the pitch and did the rolex sweep".
  • Big Racist Atkinson - "He is NOT a racist. He was actually saying something nice about a Nigger that time."
  • Sir Matt Busby -
  • Louis Van Gaal - Dutchman who consults the latest edition of FIFA and and asks Ed Woodward sign the highest rated players, regardless of actual talent.