Cristiano Ronaldo
Cristiano Ronaldo is a Portuguese underwear fashion model currently displaying for Danish underwear manufacturer "JBS Herreunderbenklæder". He also has a side career as a footballer currently playing for both the national team of Portugal and Al Nassr of Saudi Arabia. While the Portuguese are not impressed with him, Mr Al believes him to be the world's third-best footballer, closely trailing Wayne Rooney and Lionel Messi.
Early Days[edit]
Cristiano Ronaldo was born on Madeira, an island the Portuguese stolen from its native inhabitants (sea birds) in the 15th century. Since there are no level playing fields on this rocky outcrop, Ronaldo learnt his football skills by kicking the ball against a brick wall. This came in handy when he later signed for Manchester Rovers where the English born players were made of a similar material but less flexible.
When he first appeared, football coaches and experts thought he was a slimmed down version of the buck toothed Brazilian player Ronaldo. Cristiano denied there was any connection and refused to travel to Brazil until they apologised (still waiting). It was about this time the Madeira born Ronaldo discovered expensive underwear to promote.
Career[edit]
Until recently, Cristiano Ronaldo modelled for Emporio Armani, but switched to Danish manufacturer JBS, entitling the former to the largest transfer sum ever seen in the male fashion underwear industry. Ronaldo has spoken of his interest in moving from his current club Crawley Town United to Australian side Tarrawana Junior Football Club after hearing rumours of the relentless nature of their head coach Nicholas Cupitt. His ability to 'smash' his opponents and display dominance as a figure head of the club, Cupitt has quickly earnt his place among the greats; Mourinho, Sir Alex Ferguson and of course the great 'spide.'
Regenerative powers[edit]
Ronaldo is best known as the second man in history with the ability to raise himself from the dead. Unlike the slowcoach before him, Ronaldo does not need three days to do so, and often repeats the feat on countless occasions within ninety minute windows, much to the chagrin of the first guy's dad. In one match for Manchester Rovers, Ronaldo collapsed motionless on no fewer than eleven occasions with obvious gunshot injuries, yet nonetheless finished the match with five goals. Seven minutes after the final whistle, Ronaldo appeared in an underwear photoshoot to showcase the extent of his powers – his body did not bear the slightest mark.
Social impact[edit]
Cristiano Ronaldo is generally credited with being the single reason that your wife no longer insists on switching channels to watch the 304th rerun of Sex and the City, whenever you sit down with a cold one to watch F.C. Barcelona vs. Real Madrid. While generally considered a major improvement, this does not solve the identical problem faced, whenever you sit down to watch any game not involving Real Madrid. For this reason, scientist have proposed making 1 billion clones of Cristiano Ronaldo that you can rent for your wife in these situations. Physicians also believe the positive health effects on the female population would be considerable, because nothing beats a good orgasm.
Recent events[edit]
In 2021, Ronaldo returned to Manchester to rescue his reputation as a football God. However, his mind was set on sowing more of his footballing oats elsewhere. In the span of a year, he did little to sow any oats or other crops, but got into a famous spat with Piers Morgan that led to the Premier League banning him from ever playing in England again. Ronaldo proceeded to get offers from every club known to Man (or Chester), finally settling on a random club in Saudi Arabia. He bagged 2947 goals for them, but then fully committed to becoming a scion of the knickers fashion world a couple years later.