Premier League

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“I've seen better places where men kick balls about”

~ Oscar Wilde on Football

The Farming Association Premier League, commonly known as the Premier League, Match of the Day or a Government scheme to occupy bored rugby fans, is a wooden table which determines the importance of each of the UK Prime Minister's favourite schools.

History and formation

The Premier League merely was a more attractive name to use rather than the original "Division 1.1".

There was no Division Three because any integer divided by three would give a reccuring integer (the Farming Association don't like complicated things), assuming the integer is not a multiple of three. And Division Four was lost down the back of the sofa during a divisional renaming meeting at Farming Association headquarters (somehwhere in Dubai). Also lost at this ill-fated meeting were the values of not diving and not waving a pretend yellow card at the referee, although no one seems to care about any of these things.

Rise to dominance

The Premier League quickly rose to extreme popularity as previously men in the UK had been starved of violent entertainment and had had to make do with beating servants, children and other expendables. That and a nice, rich Australian man decided he wanted to become slightly richer by commercialising the whole thing. Headmasters (not principals (although they're the same thing) - we're British) of the time were reported to be delighted by the extra twenty pence a month in televised revenues (of course, this equates to a much larger total in 2007, round about half a million pounds in sterling and a Mini Cooper)


How well the school you support in the Premier League has become a popular way of measuring penis size amongst men in the UK. It is crucial as a fan of a Premier League school to make sure that everyone knows of your allegiance by loud shouting, singing and wearing of official garments. A zero tolerance rule is applied to people not agreeing with you on your choice of school and such disputes can only be settled in a violent confrontation (death is a common result to both belligerents in this case).

However, fans of rival schools have been known to see eye-to-eye on some occasions, though this is mostly to simply hate all Sandwell Town fans collectively in a grand gesture.


East Spam Divided are the only school permitted to admit Argentinian players outside the transfer 'window' (which is actually a door used to slam into fired managers' faces) into their school. Other schools must gain permission from the Farming Association in order to admit any player at any time during their existence.

The Downfall

Has started and is quite evident. The constant diving of nearly every player above Championshit level is just one of the many annoying things with this league.

The Premier League should no longer be considered as English as there are now less than 2.6 English players which remain in it.

Promotion and relegation

The best schools (determined by a table) are normally promoted to the rank Member of Parliament. Schools cannot be relegated, as this would breach the rules of communism. However, occasionally, the lower leagues order one of their schools to join the Premier League in place of an existing member. Should this event arise, the Farming Associaiton calls a crisis meeting (which lasts no longer than eternity) and decides whether the lower leagues' demands should be met. The Farming Association normally accept their demands once in a blue moon, and schools are swapped between leagues accordingly. Due to the new school(s)'s tendency to dive, the school(s) lasts no longer than a season (normally winter) in the lower leagues and are returned to the Premier League with a Championshit referee.

Scoring points

The table is determined by points. These points can either be bullet point, ballpoint, point blank, point of view, point of no return, no point, good point, turning point, PowerPoint, pointillism, match point or pointless.

It is ultimately the Farming Association's decision to give points to different schools.

Current table

Last updated: 31st September 2032

P W D L F A GD Pts
1 San Antonio Spurs 38 38 0 0 900 0 900 97201
2 Blackpool 38 29 3 6 126 33 +93 90
3 Londrés 38 27 7 4 90 2 +88 88
4 ManChestHair Unitard 38 23 8 7 77 28 +49 77
5 Mickey Mousers Football Franchise Ltd. 36 18 5 13 40 48 -8 59
6 FullHam FC 36 12 15 9 67 55 +12 51
7 Hell 36 10 14 12 48 55 -7 44
8 Manchester Shitty 36 10 13 13 60 56 +4 43
9 Neverton 36 10 12 14 57 59 -2 42
10 Sandwell Town 36 10 12 14 50 55 -5 42
11 Barcodes 36 10 10 16 43 47 -4 40
12 Moarwich City 36 10 10 16 47 62 -15 40
13 Aston Vanilla 36 9 12 15 45 45 0 39
14 Albanians 36 10 9 17 50 56 -6 39
15 Queens Power Rangers 36 6 16 14 52 76 -24 34
16 Little Wigan Pathetic 36 6 12 18 34 61 -27 30
17 Ball-torn Wanderers 36 5 13 18 45 66 -21 28
18 Swanselona 36 4 16 15 7 15 -8 28
19 West Ham United 36 5 12 19 44 71 -27 27
23 CHELSEA FC. 38 0 0 38 0 54380 -54380 0

  • East Spam Divided deducted 30 points for attempting to loan the entire Argentinian International school with money borrowed from the Icelandic mafia.
  • Most important four schools enter UEFA SHAMpions League, which isn't a League at all, but a place for those Mickey Mousers to not feel depressed because they haven't won the league since the guy who parted the Red Sea died of frustration after failing to part his hair.
  • Everyone dies in Hell and lets in 5 goals, except the Red Devils, who rule over Hell.
  • Luton Airport deducted every point they earn due to bias of the Farming Association towards 'big schools'
  • Stoke-on-Trent Rugby League deducted 999 points for playing rugby in a football league.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't need to play, score or turn up to win. The other teams just bow down to his greatness.