John Prescott
|
This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
“He's just Jabba The Hutt without makeup”
“Put that sausage down!”
“Went t' trade union next thing I know I'm Deputy Leader of the Labour Party”
“I didn't intend to have an affair with him, I went in there on the first day and sat down on what appeared to be an oddly shaped giant sofa and it turned out to be John Prescott lying asleep on the floor”
“The most intelligent man I ever met, its a shame he couldn't stop stuffing his face with pie he could have been a god on earth”
Lord John "big job" Prescott, The Lord Prescott of Pieburg other names include Big Fat Bastard and God of the North, is the former Deputy Pie Minister of the United Kingdom and Vice Governor of Iraq, serving in that capacity under Tony Bliar. Upon his retirement from that post in 2007, he was appointed official Court Jester to Her Majesty's Royal Household, but subsequently dismissed after he ate all the pies and vomited all over His Royal Highness the Duke of Edinburgh.
Prescott's other claim to fame is a childhood accident which was, reportedly, the inspiration for the popular nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty. Contrary to popular belief, the King's Men did succeed in putting Humpty together again, except for the brain, which remains missing to this day. (Some speculate that Prescott has, in fact, eaten it.) Accordingly, they substituted the brain of a pig, presuming that no one would notice. The next day, he joined the Labour Party.
In May 2010 he was made a Lord and allowed to sit in the Upper Chamber of Parliament. Naturally, with a creak and crash, he was soon in the Lower Chamber again pretty quickly.
Childhood and Stardom[edit]
Big Fat Bastard began life as a garden gnome in his native isle of Europe, where he immediately set about planning the destruction of the mighty Lego army. As a child he was often described as “whimsical” and “John Inman-ness”. His first big break came, on, funnily enough, Big Break, with comedy pairing Jim “Bigoted Racist” Davidson and Dame John “Please Shoot Me Now” Virgo, where he set about performing to a stunned audience an act of what can only be described as anal buggery on special guest star Stephen Hawking. The result of this was national stardom and John soon set about using his new found fame to set up a Sopranos style bullying racket in his local comprehensive.
Bulimia[edit]
Sources indicate that John Prescott was in fact, bulimic. Evidence to back this up, is a statement from the ruler of fat, John Prescott; "Bulimia is a very serious disease, it is not funny! But I have to say, it's a lot more ideal NOT to put your fingers down your throat. I mean, look how well I turned out from that technique!"
Schooling[edit]
John rarely turned up for school earning him the nickname, John Truant. He was expelled from most schools in the Hull area for reasons such as- masturbating in class, drinking, mockery and farting into a large tank for six months before exploding it.
Modeling career[edit]
During his late-teens John was head-hunted by the cosmetic super-giant L'Oreal for a shampoo advert - this was to be the foundation of his world renowned stardom.
Unfortunately this advert was never released to the public due to John's tendency to be somewhat over-enthusiastic and flashing his groinal regions to the camera, the picture opposite is the only frame in the advert where his wart-encrusted genitalia were not on full display.
Many of the production team committed suicide a short while after being on set with him, the images they saw caused severe mental trauma. The camera-man was reported to have gouged his own eyes out with a shoe-horn whilst screaming out "OH SHAKESPEARE!!! MURDER ME!!!". He then plunged to his death from the roof of the L'Oreal production studio.
It was at this time that Prescott developed his bulimia.
Teenage years[edit]
Isle of Skye[edit]
John spent his teenage years (21-25) in a boarding house on the Isle of Skye, listening to music by Russ Conway, Captain Sensible and Pinky and Perky. It was then that depression set in. John went from his athletically built fifty stone frame to a 20,000 stone blob, despite copious vomiting. He was usually hungry all of a sudden; some days he would wake up and half his dorm was missing. His appetite was such that Marks & Spencers even opened a branch on the island specifically to cater for him, the shelves stocked almost exclusively with trifles.
World cruise[edit]
One day whilst sunbathing he fell asleep and floated into the sea, and although it has never been confirmed, it has never been denied that John was responsible for the sinking of the Titanic, the extinction of the dinosaurs and was actually the first part of the divided states of America that Christopher Columbus (the director of Goonies and Adventures In Babysitting) discovered.
He eventually washed up on the Norfolk coast, where local Greenpeace activists, mistaking him for a whale, rolled him back into the ocean before the authorities could properly dispose of him. Which is a shame, really.
France[edit]
Following this, he spent a year, or two, some say three, floating in the English Channel until he washed up on the shore near Normandy. An small old man took him in as a friend and tried to help him get back to England. The small old man, called Jacques Chirac, taught John real English, as John usually just mumbled to himself silly things, or was too busy eating. After John learnt the English language he went to the local patisserie, God help them, to engorge himself. He managed to consume twelve and a half stones of muslims, nine stones of cupcakes, several cakes, and the shopkeeper. He then set himself back in the ocean to try and float back to England.
Isle of Wight[edit]
Upon arriving on the south coast of England, he managed to beach himself just off the coast; one too many cruise liners had strayed just that little bit too close to him on the journey there, and his new found rolls of fat had caused him to become stuck. For two months he stayed there, getting more and more pissed off by the buildings being built on his back, until eventually some Japanese whalers popped him.
Although the island he had formed no longer exists, it still remains on many maps. It is known as the Isle of Wight because Prescott is white and people aren't always particularly imaginative, or good at spelling.
Prescott vs Godzilla[edit]
After being removed from his comfortable position as the isle of wight and smelling sushi on their ship, John followed the japanese whaler's ship back to japan. along the way he encountered the cloverfield monster which he attempted to devour believing it to be a large piece of scampi before being chased off by a wandering Gillian McKeith.
Upon arriving in tokyo he began to gorge himself on the population, leading to japan's resident monster, Godzilla emerging from the sea to engage his new rival in a battle for japan. After almost five years of clumsy sumo wrestling leaving much of asia in ruins, the battle showed no signs of ceasing. However upon seeing a KFC on the horizon, John managed to impale godzilla upon his erect nipples before devouring the broken corpse.
However, feeling homesick john decided to go back home to britain so he once again took to the sea and headed home.
Politics comes a-calling[edit]
When he finally ran aground, it was with the most unfortune for him that he happened to land on the beach of California where George Lucas, offered him a part in his upcoming (straight to video) release, Star Wars, where john would play the role of Jabba the Hutt.
After he finished the film, John found it next to impossible to walk past the bargain bin of his local Woolworths without being recognised and found himself ever self conscious of his weight. He set about joining a Slim Fast club and got himself back into shape. However, there was another problem for John in that he was not skilled at anything, so he did what all other talentless, lazy, over self-infatuated people do - he went into politics.
John was seen as a new dynamic type and his meteoric rise from office boy to deputy Prime Rib Minister was accomplished when he came up with the idea of the world's first battery operated kettle. He joined the Labour egg throwing event, and in 1998 won “Best Shot Thrown At The Poor”.
Since retiring, dying, being resurrected, dying, being born, infancy through to death he managed to establish himself as the guard on the 7:32 Kings Cross to Hull for GNER, on the basis that even despite all attempts to remove him from the train, GNER were unable to do so due to his extreme weight. It is reputed that journey times have trebled since his tenure began as his bulk blocks all but one available exit.
In August 2007, John Prescott announced that he was planning to stand-down as an MP at the next General Election. That means there will be two free seats up for grabs in the House of Commons.
Personality[edit]
Prescott is renowned for his serene and even temperament. He attributes this to his morning ritual of Zen Meditation and his vigorous workouts during lunch time. He has been prone to outbreaks of rage but claims this is due to the Spirit of Stalin getting stuck in him.
State Affair[edit]
“I have a harem of low self-esteem chicks, whom I like to laugh at, as they blunder around like silly girl-clowns, making a shit of themselves.”
Being the love machine as described in the Girls Aloud song "Love Machine", it was rumoured for a long time that John was a hit with the ladies of Westminster. Although previously denied, it is now assumed that a secret affair had taken place when John announced to the nation he had female AIDS after one of his notorious wildboy "orifice" parties in 2002. Further investigation into John's condition revealed he had the Tracey Temple variant of the female AIDS virus, although it is still unknown who he caught this from. The effects of this strain are largely unknown, but it is believed to cause forced resignation, permanent loss of political power and, for the embarrassment caused to the government, a sore backside after receiving 20 of the best from Tony Blair using the Chief Whip. Also causes the effected to have a chipolata sized penis, as seen in today's copy of the Sun. The AIDS virus described having sex with JP like having a heavily loaded wardrobe falling on you with a small key still stuck inside.
In light of John's statement came further allegations of sleaze and corruption around Westminster. It is now popular belief amongst Londoners in particular that the 1km protection zone around parliament was actually set up to protect people from the crumbling building after severe structural damage was caused by Prescott passing wind and weakening the buildings. (For example, see Labour Party)
It is also popular belief that the July 7th attacks and the shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes in London were all planned by both Prescott and the security services in an attempt to cover up the noise and structural effects Prescott's hippo-esque style of love making causes. However, the plan did not go to... er... plan (See July 7th 2005)
It's worth noting that his initial statement on the allegation was "I did not sleep with that woman", to which Temple replied "Liar!". This is entirely unrelated to a similar incident involving David Blunkett, whose statement "I did not sleep with that woman" was met with a vehement "Woof!".