Isle of Wight

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Isle of Wight
Motto: "Keep it in the family"
State England
Official language(s) English and Reptilian
Mayor David Icke
Currency Pound sterling
Opening hours 7.30am - 3pm

The Isle of Wight (or "Mile of Blight") is a hole in the English Channel best known for its rich and famous residents. Its laissez-faire attitude to inbreeding was invented by Romford Raiders fans, its thriving economy, low cost of living, and fabulous activity holidays including snow boarding, skiing, river raffling, mountain climbing, and stalking.

The Island has a history as fascinating as any other island, excluding some populated ones, and boasts a rich and diverse cultural heritage, or in other words, it's not full of immigrants, yet.

The ruler of the island is David Icke, who lives in the Raptor house in Ryde.


Early history[edit]

In 1845, fake Roman artefacts, and dinosaur remains stolen from Greece, were placed around the Island, to artificially age the structure. Soil & vegetation were added in 1851, to improve the view from mainland England.

The first inhabitants[edit]

The first inhabitants were Red Squirrels who even today cause trouble by chewing at your trousers in the pubs. They get away with it by looking cute and then stealing your peanuts.

During the 1850's, the UK economy was troubled by serious inflation, wildcat strikes by pitchfork workers, and an explosion in crime in London's East End, due to unemployment and local stupidity. [1]

One of the many measures introduced to tackle inflation at this time, was an amendment to the British 'Exportation of Dangerous Criminals to Australia' Act, to include the use of the Isle of Wight. Thus on the 4th July 1858, the Isle of Wight gained its first inhabitants, a group of 63 prisoners from Brixton Prison, who became known as The Rolling Stones, as some of their work included moving some stones from here to over there.

In order to keep the population under control, railways were built around the Island to supply forts at the extremities of the island with ammunition to fire from forts known as 'Huntley and Palmers follies' because they were cheaply constructed from biscuit tins. Special guns were fabricated by Armstrong which had a range of at least six feet and could keep the population docile by keeping it awake all night with their rumbling.

By 1880 the population had grown to 75000, most of whom were criminals and their children, however the islands first missionary William R. Shanklin [2] stated in his diaries that some others had moved to the Island to take advantage of their strange and peculiar family customs'.

Little is known about these customs, however some say that the rosy red cheeks & strange ears of many of the six-fingered locals may have something to do with it.

If anyone wants an explanation for the Isle of Wight God created it on the seventh day he was clearly tired and did a really shoddy job.

The new century arrives[edit]

Osborne House and its grounds are now open to the public.

By 1900 the Island was a bustling community, and industries including mining, steel works, clothing mills, and knitting were well established.

The Island formed its own navy, and began patrolling the Solent, mainly to defend England from Islanders, who were already launching dawn raids on Portsmouth, and kidnapping 'young ladies of ill repute'.[3]

In 1910 the Island held it's first Cows Week hosted by "Scandia" and as always had the usual "Isle of Wight Radio" crew down there Alex Dyke, Ian Mac, Andy Shire o and "Roy the Whippet Man" (who allegedly has a mirrored bed room ceiling) made a royal appearance to. Cattle from across the island were taken to Sandown on the west coast of the island, and after three days of pagan rituals were slaughtered and thrown into the sea. Those that floated to the surface or were washed up on the beaches received special rosets, and their former owners awarded model railway sets. These days’ cattle are brought from around the world for the four-week festival, attended by tens of thousands of enthusiasts, most of who dress as Vikings and vicars for the duration of the event.

Filled with envy over the success of Cows Weeks the inhabitants of Cowes to the south of the Island, (who apparently think their town has a similar sounding name) set up their own Cowes week involving sailing, however this pitiful and little known event, struggles from year to year, mainly through grants and charitable donations, and is attended by wealthy perverts, who chase locals around the Island with broken bottles, and razor wire.[4]

The War Years[edit]

The famous view at The Needles and Alum Bay.

During the 1914 - 1918 great war, the island was used as a landing stage for the invasion of France, The Island was subsequently towed back to The UK, however was grounded on a sandbank thus causing hills to form in the centre of the island. These hills became known as the South Downs and can be seen from space through a special tube with magnifying glasses jammed in.

The Island & England[edit]

In 1920 the island set up it's own ferry company, with daily sailing barges from Portsmouth to Ventnor on the North West of the Island. The company became known as White Link, and in 1928 a charter was drawn up by both the Islands Government, and Portsmouth, that the ferry company would be a not for profit organisation and also subsidised by both authorities. To this day Islanders and residents of Porstmouth enjoy travel on the ferries for a nominal charge.[5] Cars travel free, as they do not carry money anyway, and pets are free provided you throw them overboard mid way on the Journey (another age old Island custom). Although it has been rumoured that in fact these two ferry companies have been ripping off their local customers for years now, however we believe this to only be a rumour as they wouldn’t be doing that...would they?

White Link, is regularly voted the most popular organisation by Island residents, and has received more awards for charitable works than any other company on planet earth.[6]

Trouble Brews[edit]

The Clipper Ship "Flying Cloud" off the Needles, Isle of Wight, by James E. Buttersworth, 1859–60.

In 1935 the island was exporting more steel iron & coal than England, and was seen as key to the UK's economy, however this caused locals concern. For some time Islanders were becoming less well off than those on the mainland, and although employment remained at 100%,[7] the locals were concerned that their industrious workaholic ways were being taken for granted. The Island Government were forced to take seriously calls for independence from the Island Republican Army (IRA) after the group detonated fireworks at night on the end of a pier in Shanklin, the islands smallest village. As tragic aside, a large number of fireworks were dropped in the sea whilst preparing for the display; many years later in 1987 these spontaneously exploded and demolished Shanklin pier.

During 1936 - 1938 the Island Republican Army (IRA) became increasingly active across the Island holding barn dances, family outings, supporting the disabled, and on three occasions buying everyone on the island lunch.

More War Years[edit]

When war broke out in 1939 the IRA were classified by the Island Government a terrorist organisation, and banned from holding raffles, taking children to school for their parents, and supporting fund raising events for orphans.

The Island Government initially supported Germany, finding many of Hitler's policies in line with their own. They also preferred the uniforms and salutes, and by this time the Island's capital Freshwater, was twinned with Berlin, and regular exchange visits had been taking place for some time.

Pressure from the UK parliament only increased the island's resolve, and flags with the Nazi swastika were flown by most households.

In 1940 the Island Government was forced to reconsider their position when Portsmouth threatened to cancel the White Link ferry agreement, and so on the 4th July 1940, the Isle of Wight formally declared war on Germany. This became known as Decision Day, or D Day as it is referred to now.

The War found the ship yards of Cowes constructing ships for the Royal Navy but every time one was finished, the Polish Navy would come along and take it off them. On one famous occasion the fight between the Poles and the Pompey Crew resulted in the shooting down of a German aircraft that happened to be flying past.

The Golden Years[edit]

The 1950's was a golden decade for The Isle of Wight. The sun was always shining, food was free, children played in the fields, everybody had holidays, and if you needed to work, pay rates doubled every year, and bonuses included free holidays, cases of vintage champagne, and even more all expenses paid holidays, (indeed 10 vacations a year were the norm).

Yes the Island had voted in their first Marxist administration. Communism was the new and better way. Even the islands landowners embraced the changes, giving up whole swathes of land to 'the people' and joining in by going on long holidays themselves.

As one notable islander Sir Winston Churchill put it "this is fun".

The Cold War Years[edit]

A satellite photograph of the Isle of Wight and the Solent

The Island forged strong links with the Soviet Bloc, and the annual May Day parade through Newport included guest weapons from Russia. In 1961 the USA infiltrated the Island in a covert operation known as Operation Bad Breath. Agents blended in with Islanders, however their trademark hats, raincoats & American accents did cause some locals to become suspicious.

With the Cuban missile crisis, the American administration, decided to act against the Isle of Wight, and Operation Clean Your Teeth was launched. This was expanded into Operation Try Mouth Wash, & finally the legendary Operation Visit The Dentist.

In 1962 American Marines landed on the Island, and liberated the Islanders from the evil Communist regime, and despite several thousand casualties, and the destruction of most towns, the Islanders rejoiced. When it later transpired that the Island did not have an army, and any weapons of minimal destruction, a public enquiry established that the French were to blame, so nobody made a fuss.

In 1963 several major USA companies coincidentally all called Haliburton were awarded with contracts to rebuild the Island. The CIA launched Operation Re Write History, and everything was wonderful again on The Island.

The Swinging Sixties[edit]

In 1964 The Beatles undertook a gruelling 15 week tour of the Island playing to an estimated audience of 750,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.π, all of whom had the surname Abbott. Thus the swinging sixties hit the Island (man).

Secret Opium farms were cultivated underground on the West of the Isle, and the Island became a Mecca for hippies.

1966 was known as the summer of pleasantness, and free festivals sprung up almost daily attended by some of the worlds most famous rock & pop bands including, The Stirrups, Wayne Bender, Arthur's Amazing Candle, Colin and The Small Wedged Shaped Potatoes, and even Richard Nixon. Unfortunately some Homosexuals turned up, but they were soon got rid of, and the party atmosphere across the Island continued.

By 1968 it was estimated two thirds of Islanders were addicted to Island Opium, and even more strange hippies arrived on the Island. This culminated in The famous Isle of Wight Festival, where over 4 million people watched 750 bands play for 3 years, on a farm near a hill, just beside a fence over yonder.

After this every one went home, had their hair cut, bought a selection of suits, sensible shirts, got jobs, became professionals, got mortgages, and the Island reverted to private paganism, and inbreeding, while some people remained hippyish, and now live on farms breeding with the animals, and drinking their mothers milk in a little shrubbery called Wroxall.

Sudden disappearance[edit]

The Isle of Wight no longer exists. A floating John Prescott beached himself by trying to swim to France, and the land mass was naturally referred to as the Isle of Weight. Prescott has been dislodged by the tides, but it is fun to pretend that the island is still there.

The Isle of Wight Space Programme[edit]

Some of the original descendants of the 1800's transportees tried to escape in some space rockets in the late 1960's. These had been built in Cowes and were originally made to get rid of the squirrels. Unfortunately the rockets were bolted down to Tennyson Down and nobody brought along big enough spanners.

The Civil War[edit]

In 1971 war struck the islands once again. This time it divided the islands. The war began on the 3rd of May 1971 because of a dispute over ownership of a porn tapestry.[8] Father Abbott claimed he had found the tapestry and it was his because it had his semen "naughty juice" on it, while Cousin Abbott claimed it was his semen "naughty juice" because it was a well known fact that Father Abbott was impotent. The war turned wife against husband, cousin against cousin (the same as wife against husband) and raged on for many months, killing numerous sheep and snails. Eventually they decided to split the islands by cutting them in half with a single butter knife to settle the dispute.

Fortunately the war ended before the islands could be split entirely.[9] Peace was declared, on the 27th of November, after the tapestry was mysteriously lost while Father Abbott was wanking "being happy" in the outhouse. No one outside the islands noticed the war. Elvis, who lives in a cave on the island, now claims ownership of the tapestry.

Modern history[edit]

Recently Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were spotted on the Island. There have now been rumours that they may be buying a holiday home on the island itself. The population will be affected by this move from RPATZ, increasing numbers of fangirls will begin and it will be know Isle of Twight. The island, in my opinion, has done nothing to deserve this punishment.


“Hope I die before I get old.”

~ Pete Townsend on not wanting to retire to the Isle of Wight

“Let me be clear, I believe passionately that the Isle of Wight is a greater threat to the world, than me.”

~ Tony Blair on being concerned

“Do they have any oil ?”

~ George W. Bush on learning of the Isle of Wight existence.

“I've lived on the Island for over 20 years, It's made me the Man Lizard I am”

~ David Icke on being a crackpot Leader

“You are my sister and possibly my daughter, therefore you are my wife.”

~ An Islander on undertaking the Isle of Wight marriage vows

“Never have so few, done so much, for so few... wait, did I get that wrong? Oh forget it, let's just open this damn shop and head for the booze, I'm in need of a good hammering.”

~ Dame Winston Churchill on the opening of a new Asda (Walmart) on the Island

“Can we go home now?”

~ Sean Connery on looking forward to leaving the Island after culling some of the population, to help keep the numbers down

“What? There isn't a pub in Merstone?”

~ Robert Pattinson on where he'll get his pint of bitter and vampire

“Its in the third draw down behind my shirts.”

~ Sir Paul McCartney on keeping his map of the Island safe at home

“Oh, bollocks.”

~ John Prescott on learning that he's inadvertently become the English Channel's largest island


~ Serena Williams


~ Saddam Hussein on being sent to the Island of Wight for Crimes Against Humanity

“Thank God Pithouse can't swim or the island would be doomed. Wait does he know how a ferry works?”

~ Michael Greening on keeping the island safe

“Gaw Dam Mongorians!”

~ Michael Lee on finding out that Mongolians have broken his shitty wall

“We are not Inbred!”

~ Amy on the Island being Inbred

“I'm inbred.”

~ Frazer Brown

“Alright! Icepak Fuck! The golfish here tatse nice, ive ate em!”

~ Gaydan WIlson, on his daring retarded lifestyle on the island


  1. It was around this time East Enders became known as Cockernees.
  2. The town Newport was named after William R. Shanklin, as he was said to love drinking port at the New Tavern in Cowes.
  3. At that time Portsmouth's only source of employment - hence the saying 'Portsmouth's full of old slags and their football team is not very good either.
  4. We believe this to be a new fetish craze.
  5. 50 pence - English currency that’s around $1 USA or 0.00 Euros.
  6. Moon not included.
  7. A record that remains till this day.
  8. As magazines were yet to reach the islands.
  9. The southern half was stuck back together with sticky tape.

See also[edit]

note: The isle of wight, now located somewhere in the pacific, is only inhabited by the elderly.