Parrot
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This article is very scary, and may cause : |
You should stop reading it. Then kick your computer away and go make some nice tea. If that doesn't stop the effect, then go on foot to Mount Everest and jump, or erupt.
| Parrot | |
|---|---|
 Typical parrot | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Mars |
| Phylum | Creatures originaly not from Earth |
| Class | Someone says birds, but they are real Martians |
| Order | They have their own order |
| Species | So much, because they don't want to be same at the End of the World, when they'll kill all people |
| Binomial name | |
| Pissttaciformes | |
| Diversity | |
 | |
| Habitat | Abandoned buildings |
| Specifications | |
| Power supply | Blood |
| Health | 30, but they tend to attack in big groups |
| Mana | 6 |
| Strength | 10 KiloWatts, their main gun is their beak |
| Intelligence | Smartest parrot had IQ 1613 |
| Weight | 1 gram |
| Length | 40 cm |
| Special attack | Eye pecking |
| Conservation status | |
| Very common | |
Parrots are creepy feathered creatures, which were taken from Mars to Earth in 1337 by a special mission from Christopher Columbus, who didn't find only America, but also Mars. After that, parrots got smarter than people and are developing plans on taking control of Earth. Before they went to Earth, they killed all the Martians, which is why we didn't find any.
Why this name?[edit]
Everyone cares (actually, nobody cares) about how the name "parrot" was invented. Was it a tradition? A normal name? Eventually, scientists on Uncyclopedia found out that it's a cipher for Plan arranged on torture. Does it mean parrots want to kill everyone? Probably.
How do they look like?[edit]
It depends on species, but every parrot has many colorful feathers (meant to be easily visible, so other parrots could easily see them), strong legs, a beak, and bloody eyes. They might be cute for some reason, but don't be fooled! Some days after you'll buy them, they will kill you very quickly, and you'll contribute to the End of the World.
Murdering parrots[edit]
The first murdering parrot was known in 1898 in Germany. He was a cockatoo named Naki and he escaped from his cage. After that, he started to attack people in Berlin. He started to peck out people's eyes and fly away, never spotted. He reached a military academy, where German people were planning World War I. He killed them all, causing the war to start many years later. Unfortunately, Naki wasn't celebrated, as some jerks shot him. He died immediately, with the word "rosebud" being his last croak.
The first big massacre started at 8th April 1961. A lot of parrots managed to escape from a truck and started demolishing Vienna. More than a thousand people were murdered, almost five thousand people were injured., and five hundred of them are still missing to this day. Parrots have flown away and started destroying villages near Vienna. Most of them have been shot, but there are still some parrots in the nearby forest, killing people who go deep enough into it.
In 1972, a big flock of parrots managed to get to Greenland, where they arrived on the island of Qeqertarsuaq, flying to a town named Qullissat. The parrots started to destroy buildings, then start destroying people. These people didn't have any weapons or force, so they were killed by parrots very easily. Then, the parrots destroyed the people's boats, escaping and destroying more settlements from the north of Qeqertarsuaq to the southwest of the Nuussuaq peninsula. Today, parrots still live north of Qeqertarsuaq and in south Nuussuaq, and they kill everyone who ever goes there. Ever since the initial raid, over 2000 people have been victims to their assault.
In 1983, a flock of parrots managed to get to New York. This flock started to attack everything which it saw. The US Army arrived here very fast, but they had lots of trouble since they were sticking with their guns and turning them all over the place, causing them to shoot themselves. In the chaos, the parrots have destroyed many buildings, causing the deaths of hundreds. After a long time, the Army managed to get the flock out of the town by shooting them from far away. The parrots managed to turn back to New York, where they were killing people on the shore. People were saved when the parrots decided to go back to their forests. In count, more than 10800 people died, 19000 people were injured, and 9700 are still missing. This was one of the worst massacres in USA history, which is now called the New York Parrot Massacre (NYPM). A lot of New York's sights, such as the Statue of Liberty, were really damaged, and their repairing cost billions of dollars.
But the biggest attack of parrots in the world's history happened in the year 2003. Almost every parrot decided that they'll no longer wait and would now destroy the world. They killed people all across Africa, South America and Australia, with the death toll from those continents alone being over 5 million. Despite this, people didn't kill the parrots, but put them in cages and started to breed them. This is their biggest mistake, as parrots are preparing an even worse attack. Do you have one of them? If yes, you'd better kill it... until it kills you.
In 13th July 2018, many parrots in a petshop in Zagreb, Croatia managed to escape from their cages. They murdered almost every human and animal there. Then, they destroyed all the shelves inside, broke all the aquariums, and pecked out all the food. Then, they destroyed a shop window and started to peck people outside. They even managed to get to a Croatian motorway and block the way. The motorway is still blocked today, so if you are in Croatia, close your windows and avoid Zagreb!
Why should I kill my parrot?[edit]
Because parrots often murder people who own them by breaking the cage or aviary and torturing their owners until they die. Every day, around 26 families are murdered by parrots. So, do you still love your talking parrot? If you want to stay alive, kill it and don't buy any more parrots.
Famous people murdered by parrots[edit]
Our best news sources currently say that This Guy, <insert name here>, and many more famous people were killed by parrots.
Species[edit]
- Rosellas- very creepy parrots, who are well known also as "Murderllas". They are experts on cutting fingers away. 94∞.544 people were killed by rosellas.
- Macaws- their beaks are enough strong to cut your head! 4944∞.54 people were killed by macaws.
- Budgerigars- these are horrible. They are small, but they do peck very hard and often associate into big flocks and raid major locations. ∞.54944 people were killed by budgerigars.
- African Grey parrots- also called "nigga gay bitches". Their scream is horrible enough to kill almost everything in their way. 44944∞.5 people were killed by AGPs.
- Lovebirds- they are, more aptly, called also Hatebirds. They are small, but very aggressive and usually target doctors. 4∞.5494 people were killed by lovebirds.
- Senegal parrot- these niggas are very crazy. They can cut wood very easily, and can usually cut even metal and weapons, causing them to be almost completely invulnerable. 47494∞.54 people were killed by Senegal parrots.
- Neophemas- these little bitches do not have much power, but when they are in big flocks, they can be very annoying, pecking everyone in their way. But their beaks are not that strong to kill people. While there are a few cases where neophema killed a person, they are in the singles digits. 9 were killed by neophemas.
- Parakeet- these bitches very often attack human settlements and kill people. Their beaks are very strong. They often peck people's eyes out. 43794 people were killed by parakeets.
- Lorikeet- these badasses are very angry and dangerous. Their special attack is pinching fingernails out. However, they are very slow. 3734∞.5 people were killed by lorikeets.
- Aratingas- they are not that powerful. They are very slow and easily shot. However, these bitches managed to kill 3 people. Yuck!
- Cockatoos- the worst and ugliest parrots. They have similar tactics to macaws, with the differences being that they are much more aggressive and tend to attack in big flocks. 43794 people were killed by cockatoos.
- Cockatiels- they are small nasty bitches. They can peck very hard and they are very good at pecking your eyes out. However, they are very easy to be chased away, so there are not that much victims. But, 93 people lost their life because of them.
And of course, there are many more parrots with their own fighting techniques. There are so many species now, since they plan to unleash such a huge attack.
How do you avoid being killed or tortured by parrots?[edit]
- Don't look behind. You'll never know if a parrot isn't waiting behind you to peck your eyes.
- Don't breed them. They can easily break even the strongest netting on the strongest cages. Always resist the urge to breed parrots.
- Buy some catching nets and knives. The best tactic how to kill a parrot is to catch it into a net and cut it's neck. Due to it's defenseless nature in this state, there is no way that they can survive.
- If you see parrots coming into your town, never go outdoors. Buildings are very good defenses again parrot attacks. Due to their powerful attacks, it is recommended to stay indoors as much as possible, as the parrots cannot penetrate a building.
- If parrots come when you're in a vehicle, don't come out of it. Vehicles are usually are durable against parrot attacks, but only if they're moving (if not, parrots will fully surround your vehicle and trap you). Close all of your windows and doors and ride on! Parrots will attack your vehicle, but never fear- in this scenario, a vehicle's durability is similar to that of a building.
- If you see a lone parrot, kill it. Lone parrots are much more vulnerable and can't defend themselves. Whatever weapon you have at hand is usually going to be enough to at least cripple the parrot.
- Never ride bikes, motorbikes or convertibles. If you do so, parrots can get to you and kill you easily. Do not ride these things unless you are well-equipped to survive a parrot assault!