Martian
“HA! The last laugh is on you, planet Earth! I farted in your cereal!!!”
“Martians and Swedes are unique amongst the civilizations in having a food named after their home.”
“At least they liked my idea for 'The Merry Wives of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha' better!”
“I'll get the damn shotgun”
Martians (known in their native tongue as "Kaleds") are a race of octopodes. They are known for their perpetual habits of abduction, genocide, and telling bad jokes.
Physiology[edit]
Historically, Martians come in three groups: Thals, Dals, and Greys. But really they originate from instant pudding left out in the martian sun tooooo long. They sure are scary freaks, if aren't little green men.
Dals[edit]
Dals (known by various names such Daleks, Lekads, Tripods, Metroids, or simply "Fiends", depending on what travel machine they happen to inhabit) consist mostly of a brain, often covered in green skin (alternating in value) and their hands grow out of their faces, tapering into long, whip-like tenticles. They have a parrot-like beak (and may explain their really annoying speech patterns). Dals clone themselves; teenage Dals clone themselves almost everyday. Some adult Dals clone themselves too, if they cannot find anyone or anything else to clone. Many young Dals are parasitic and occupy a host, stealing his life-force to death (which it uses to grow skin and appendages), however, most prefer to merely manufacture bodies (which they consider a more manly thing to do).
Thals[edit]
Thals resemble humanoids with pale chaulky skin, straight black hair, and brown almond-shaped eyes (they could possibly be the ancestors of Asian people). Often, they are nearly hermaphodytic and thus tend to have various characteristics of both sexes, some of them are said to be bisexual as well).
Greys[edit]
These are the most common species of martians and are believed to be plotting against the earth. These aliens have grey skin. Stange huh, you would think they would name them according to that, but for some reason call them greys. These Martians are thought to be hermaphrodites and mate for the sole purpose of pleasure, as we humans do. They are bibedal and do not wear pants, mainly because mars is so hot (10000000 degrees) and they feel the need to have wind blow in between their knees. Much is still uknown about these species, but their feeding habits include but are not limited to: Dirt, doodoo, their own toes (which regrow in about 2 hours, only to be eaten again), and mainly, pie.
Ancient Martians[edit]
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These are very mysterious beings who apparently were the original inhabitants before being settled by Vulcans and Squid, who carved the famous face and pyramids. Not much more is known about them other then that they are humanoid and seem to like Egyptian stuff.
Many (such as widely respected NASA consultant and hyper-dimensional physicist, Richard C. Hoagland) think that these where infact ancient Arabs, and that their lineage ultimately seeded humankind. Their traditions where supposedly kept through Freemasonry (given all of this, it is very possible that the Jews where the first Martians... as well as the first humans in general).
Another View:[edit]
Some say that the "Ancient Martians" were not a different species to the Dals and Thals, but their ancestor (sorta like the Americans and English were descended from an ancestor some 10,000 years ago. This proto-race's name is found in Dal mythology, and is called the "Kaleds". They were composed of a king, some slaves and a scientist called "The Davros". Yet is is still agreed that they were humanoid and liked Egyptian stuff.
Human Life on Mars[edit]
Pop singing sensation Samantha Mumba was the first ever Human to live on Mars (without air) for an impressive 4 years! (2009 - 2013)
Culture[edit]
Daily Life[edit]
It is important to know that Thals and Dals are very different culturally, mainly due to ideological differences, with Dals being totalitarian and Thals being more or less anarchistic (though, from the truly anarcho-Libertarian perspective, they appear to be wholly totalitarian as well, only giving a facade of social liberty, See: Liberal).
Most Martians spend their time working. When at work, Martians achieve a clean efficiency through their natural competativeness (though much of this is disguized under Martian beaurocracy).
When at home, Thal Martians usually enjoy relaxing and playing with their hykxexpleplexi - games of Fetch, Frisbee, and some ambush and terrify, or even kill, Earthlings.
For vacations, Martians enjoy the sunny climes of Planet Earth. Popular vacation activities include psychological manipulation. bovine abduction, human abduction, porcupine abduction, wine tasting, snow skiing and reversing the displays on walk/don't walk signs.
Additionally, a third of the Martian population roll around in their travel machines in the scenic Martian desert. Both have variably indulged in plotting the enslavement and destruction of all other life forms and vaporizing small children.
Martian architecture tends toward sturdy, modernist lines and massive iron and concrete construction, hallmarks of the longstanding Martian traditions of quality, pride, and enslavement of Earthlings.
It is common knowledge that Martians use UFOs to travel through outer space.
Art & Science[edit]
Many Martians are highly minimalistic. It is said that Judaic, Muslim, and Soviet Union art where inspired by the Martians (see: M. C. Escher). Some, however, do enjoy furthering the fields of art and science while on Earth, since they would not even be here otherwise (for example, some of the most renowned Martian artwork was created by leaving designs in fields of corn, or by leaving designs in the internal organs of human abductees/lovers).
Martian biologists and sociologists enjoy watching men react to them, and then record their data to be analyzed and reminisced about (they invented the Meiers-Briggs personality test).
Martian science on the whole lies in many of the same fields as human science, but with less emphasis on humanitarian (martianitarian) studies and more emphasis on πολυτικα and ψυχολογγε (See: ΒΔΣΜ).
Leadership[edit]
Thal Martians have been led by long line of beaurocrats for thousands of years. Their chronology is recounted in The Bible.
All Thals swear fealty to this family. At least, all Martians who find the current layout of their face, butt, and internal organs pleasant and don't want it significantly altered.
The Dal Martians claim a very impressive list of leaders. The War of the Worlds had Emperor KaiSa WilHeLen3. After the war, they attacked a second time and, this time deciding to harvest Thal and Human hosts to move (this was good on spying missions, like Operation Invade Operation Fiend, and Operation Arous, yet not very good at home, given the incongruence between the human body and Dal cultural aesthetic efficiency).
The most significant Dal leader in recent times was Laked Party leader Davros (who was responsible for importing en mass cheap Earth Dalek disposal units to replace the large, awkward tripods of times past). He was greately respected for this strategic, and economical decision. After his glorious teniure as Dal Emperor, Davros was ousted by a group calling themselves Supreme Daleks. Afterwards, Davros had to invade the body of a European drunkard named Kuchma and became president of Ukraine, where he became addicted to booz.
The greys have not yet been seen displaying any sort of hierarchy-ish behavior and are believed to be a solitary race, or at the most work in families and build primitives space-ships which can only move at 5 times the speed of light, compared to the 137 times the speed of light that the Dals ships can move. The families themselves however, have a semi hierarchy, starting with a dominant he/she who is the only one who is able to eat toes (including others' toes), and ending with the largest one, who being so large is too stupid to know he can own the others.
Most recent encounter[edit]
The most recent Martian encounter comes from a small town in East Slovania. It was February 23, 2007. An event that was removed from every media source. An American man named Mr. Scruples and his bionic wife 'Captain Vanariel' were strolling through the turtle woods one day when a giant rock fell from the sky. The rock smashed through the trees and made an impact in the ground so large that it sent turtle shells flying in every direction at speeds faster than sound. Within minutes, turtle shells were seen flying across the Kremlin in Moskow, as well as punching holes through the Sears tower. People thought it was a terrorist attack until they saw the fried turtles in their offices. The most extreme instance was in Sri Lanka. A turtle shell flew into a storm drain, into the piping, and into an elderly woman's house. At the time, she was using the toilet when the turtle shell came up from the toilet and was launched up into her anus at the speed of sound, and it remains there till this day. The locals call her "turtliamustia laguisa". Which in their language means, "One who has been blessed with a turtle shell directly in the southern tubes."
Out of the rock, poured martians the size of peacocks. They gathered together and sang Christmas carols until Mr. scruples kicked one of them in the head and ruptured an artery. They immediately apologized and proceeded with what they came for. They grabbed a stray dog running around and began anal probing. It wasn't 20 minutes into the probing when they all dropped dead. Apparently, even being around Mr. Scruples was close enough for them to catch his rare case of airborne herpes. Mr. Scruples then got hungry and ate the carcasses.
Notable Martians[edit]
Ancient Martians[edit]
Marvin the Martian[edit]
A rogue megalomaniac resident of Mars and self-professed Communist, Marvin the Martian waged a sporadic war against Earth's greatest hero Bugs Bunny until his retirement in 1991.
Davros[edit]
Davros is the most significant Martian leader in all history. He pushed the Dal race forward into a new millennium by redesigning the travel machine into a more efficient minimalistic, utilitarian form than that of the clumsy tripods used before, which caused the direct split of the Martian race into the Dals and Thals (prior to the incident, Dalism ands Thalism were just separate sects of Kaledism, the religion of the Martians).
He ventually changed his name to "Kuchma" and became president of Ukraine after the fall of the Soviet Union (in which he was known for his drunkeness and general resentment towards the people he claimed to be "helping").
Dals[edit]
Adolph Hitler[edit]
Adolph Hitler, Quing and Keen of the Dals, is responsible for the most horrific act of mass murder in the history of time, but nowadays everyone just remembers him for his major contributions to the field of butter-churning.
Tuxedo Blix[edit]
Tuxedo Blix, current Advisor of Doing Nasty Things to Earthlings in the royal Martian parliament, is currently one of the most powerful Dals, and answers only to the Quing and Keen (above, not to be confused with the Quing and Keen below)
Thals[edit]
Quing Andorf[edit]
Quing Andorf is the current head of the Thal royal family. "Andy" is temperamental and directs the Thal offices of Abduction and Wine-tasting.
Keen Sam'ja[edit]
Keen Sam'ja is Andorf's spouse, and equal in power. "Sammie" enjoys long walks on the beach and leads the departments of Massive Invasions and Giant Lasers.
Other[edit]
Shrek[edit]
Shrek appears to a bizarre ogre-like creature originating from Mars and has starred in a couple of CGI films. His origins are unknown, although most suspect that he is the twisted child of some sentient ketchup that came on a NASA space probe and some random Martian bacterium.
Dropo[edit]
Dropo is the laziest man on Mars
David Blaine[edit]
David is so a Martian. Where do you think he learned those "tricks" can entertain people?
Torg[edit]
Torg was a robot built from cardboard by Martians to capture Santa Clause. He was turned into a Christmas Toy.
Michael Smith[edit]
Michael Sexomatic Smith was a human who was raised among Martians - a very slothful, hippy-like breed of Martians that spend all their time tripping balls off water and having orgies. He was sent to live amongst Earthlings to teach us these ways as told in an extremely lame book. He was eventually killed though, and sent to heaven where they get high off Sharpie markers rather than water.
Relations with Earthlings[edit]
Martians and Earthlings have a pretty bad track record together. This is largely because when not vacationing there, Martians spend much of their time attempting to invade earth and turn all human life into slaves and/or pet food.
Though to be fair, the conflict was started by a human when, in the year 2238 B.C., when the wizard Socrates said something unpleasant about the Martian Quing's mother.
Since then, there have been several attempts to invade earth on the part of Mars. However, the last two have been wars between the Dals and Thals as well as Earth, who have been warring against each other on Mars for the last 500 years.
The first invasion would have been successful if not for the French Maginot Line thwarting the invasion (Martians had not yet mastered the technique of going around obstacles).
Humanity was more prepared for the second invasion. A prepared British radio station in fact, broadcast the entire account live.
However, the people of earth didn't realize that the broadcast was actual news, thinking that it was just a retelling of a popular book.
Many humans were caught totally unawares by the Martians, and were liquefied into a consumable paste. Earth was saved, however, when, several days into the invasion, all the Martians got sick and died.
The third invasion began as a simple artistic outing. After drawing pretty designs in some crops, a group of Martians decided to descend upon the house of one unlucky farmer. However, they all died too when someone spilled water on them.
Martians have a tendency to get killed in the lamest ways.
Martians conquered the Earth on July 2nd, 1948. Since then the Martian Occupation Authority has governed the section of North America known as Megatexas.
The life of Martians is in jeopardy following the galactical looting of Mars by Google. When Google relaunches the planet as Planet Google, it can only be hoped that the Martian lives are spared.
Martians hold an uneasy relationship with mankind for kidnapping Santa Claus and having the gall to return him.
See also[edit]
An average martian isn't very social, even amongst his own kind. If ticked off too much and often by the same multicelled organism, he will atomize every part of their structure except fr the brain, which will become dinner.