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Porcupines: nature's pin cushions for when nature wants to sew her pants.

The Porcupine is a large variety of Guinea Pig known for having a prickly coat of back hair. It's an animal just to let you know. If you don't believe us, just ask the nerds on Wikipedia. Apparently, they know everything.

Etymology and Description[edit]

The word "Porcupine" derives from the words "pork" and "pine". Judging by this information, scientists suspect that the porcupine's closest relatives are Pigs and Pine Cones.

Folklore of the Native American community tells of a pig named Porky that was tired of being a pathetic virgin with no hopes of having sex. So he laid an unsuspecting pine cone, only to get beaten by her husband and charged for sexual assault. Months later, the pine cone who fell victim to Porky's raping spree gave birth to the world's first porcupine (coined by the name of the assaulter).

It is also believed that the porcupine got laid with an apple and sparked the birth of the pineapple.


Porcupines are known for being grouchy for most of their lives because their parents never hugged them. The rare person who does hug a porcupine only does it to commit suicide. Like skunks, venomous snakes, and serial killers, porcupines are considered the loners and outcasts of nature due to the fact that no other animals want anything to do with them. They are equally miserable because nobody ever wants to give them balloons.


Porcupines live in trees all over the world, but are most abundant in Southeastern Papua-New Guinea. This is because trees contain more pine cones than the ground or the ocean. However, porcupines do occasionally climb to the ground for any pine cones which have fallen off. There is only one documented case of a porcupine in the ocean, as it was seen going after a sea urchin which it thought was a pine cone.

Porcupines make effective war weapons.

Except for Antarctica and Atlantis, porcupines inhabit every continent on Earth, and possibly one continent on Pluto. Despite their wide range, you will not find porcupines in pickle jars or bookshelves. You will especially not find any in Bouncy Castles for obvious reasons.


The main food source of the porcupine consists of krill and small fish. Occasionally, they will eat nuts, fruit, tree bark, pine cones, and chimpanzees. Sometimes they can be found rooting through human trash if nothing can be found in the wild. Should you ever find one in your trash, do not do anything to disturb this majestic creature, or it will eat your kids.

Porcupines and pine cones[edit]

A newborn porcupine calf.

A widely-known fact about porcupines is that they spread their young through the process of "pine-coning". Basically, this means that porcupines have sex with pine cones, eat them, and then use the remains as incubators for their eggs. The pine cone population dwindles as porcupines continue to breed.

It is virtually impossible for porcupines to mate with or even remotely hump one other, as they will end up with quills in their crotches. However, a few porcupines have successfully manoeuvred this dangerous technique by shielding their crotches with turtle shells. Of course, this means that one of them will get eaten and the other will use its corpse as an incubator. Do not under any circumstances try to have sex with a porcupine.

Beware of Imitations[edit]

The porcupine is not to be confused in any way with the hedgehog. While both can cause great pain onto your hand if stroked, the hedgehog is much cooler given the fact that it is blue, can run at top speeds at 9000 mph and defeat evil masterminds with giant moustaches. Porcupines are also not to be confused with echidnas, cactuses, sea urchins, puffer fish, or rats with toothpicks impaled to their backs. The primary way to identify a real porcupine is to see if it can puke rainbows. Otherwise it is just a cat with a pop-tart for a body.

See Also[edit]