Porcupine Tree
Porcupine Tree was a musical project created by a Time Lord who originally went by the name of Lord Boddington in the early 17th century, where he invented the question mark, the glottal stop, and the trachea. He changed his name to Steven Wilson after he realised there was a fox named after him.
Origins[edit]
After Lord Boddington acquired his new title of Steven Wilson in the late 1960s, he took it upon himself to become the new Buddha, sitting under the Bodhi tree for two days without food until he got a vision which he describes as this:
| “ | I was sitting in the lab [he meant tree] late one night |
” |
—Steven Wilson, seeing his band for the first time | ||
Steven Wilson then saw Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers fall from the SKY and translated this event into the "Monster Mash" in order to warn everyone of this evil tree. Steven sued them as he invented everything and was omniscient. The trial lasted one Porcupine Tree song (seven years) and caused the Wall Street crash.
As a private joke between Steven and himself, he created a band under the name "Porcupine Tree". He made the joke even funnier by pretending there were actual band members on the same page as Steven. Timothy Tadpole Jones died of unknown causes; he walked up the stairs and never returned.
After this, Steven shared his vision with the world in the only way he could: by stealing Elvis Costello's glasses so people would feel sorry for him. When he put these glasses on, he had another vision: that he was the messiah and should write the music he hears when he closes his eyes, for it is the word of the creator.
Since then, Steven Wilson created songs in contradictory time. The songs are stupidly long, but this is only because people just aren't clever enough for Steven Wilson. And if you try to be, your head will explode. (This is called the Syd Barrat effect, where "I've got a bike" really means "I've got a patriarchal society that wants to steal my Beatles albums.") Porcupine Tree as a band gradually morphed as time went by. As they started to care less and less about their band, you could actually tell them apart from Pink Floyd.
Court case 2: Lyrical profanities[edit]
Steven Wilson was sued in 2007 by Microsoft for advertising their X-Box as a god in the album Fear of a Blank Planet Without Steven Wilson. This court case resulted in Steven Wilson having to guitar battle Lemmy who was owned by Microsoft.
However, when Steven returned to his time it appeared that the fans (Steve Wilson and Wilson the Steven) were suing him for selling out on his Stevenwilsonia style. The evidence was shown by lyrical contents from his old and newer albums:
1. "Radioactive Toy" from On the Steven Life
I Run through forests on a hot Summer day because I am better than you!!
I'm trying to break down walls but my fist isn't strong enough!!
Give me the freedom to destroy you all!!
Give it to me, you radioactive toy
Later on in the following years he realised he was gay when he found himself in the preserve. He fell in love with an Asian egg named Raymond Raymon Ruang. They made beautifully hideous babies which in turn had altered facial features; which had the most dishonor in the country, and bred the most severe case of cancer ever known to man. Eventually they were hunted down by the United Government Committee (UGC) raped, stripped of resources, and forced into slavery by President Nixon in the 70s. The rest is well classified in international government files and will never be released to the public, but it is rumoured they haven been turned into gorilla sex slaves. (seventy-four hour instrumental)
Taste the water from a stream of running death
Eat this apple, EAT IT NOW IMPERATIVE ATTACK!!! and cough a dying breath.
Like a snake crawling from his hole, she came out to meet the LORD of it all.
Trembling in terror at his presence, licking the dust like a serpent
Feel the sun burning through your black skin
Pour me into a hole, inform my next of kin
Run through graveyards on a dusty Winter day
Spit the dirt out and try to say...
(twenty-seven days instrumental)
Do you get my point now you ignoramus?
If not you clearly are stupid and you have no anus!!
Because this track clearly shows that euthanasia is wrong?
What do you mean you didn't notice that? Maybe this will explain!!!
(five year instrumental)
2. Title Track from Fear of a Blank Planet Without Steven Wilson
X-Box is a god to me
A finger on the switch
My mother is a bitch
My father gave up ever trying to talk to me
I'm through with this pornography
The acting is lame
Amazon.com rated it high
But I've been castrated
Therefore arousal annulled
My life is so so so so hard
Whining is all I'm good at
Aaaaaaaaaaah a knife lol teh knife is not real lolzords!!!
My friend says he wants to die
He's in a band, they sound like Pearl Jam
Their clothes are all black
The music is crap
I guess I should try imitating them.
I am better than all of you after all!!
(ONLY 30 MINUTE INSTRUMENTAL!!!?)
The evidence showed that Steven had abandoned his old style for something a lot more modern to show that even though he has no age he still has the ability to confuse everyone by just abandoning his old style and picking a style he can not do. No longer was he insulting the crowds with his intellectual ability, and this pissed off the very little fans he had. This caused the end of the world and is all explained in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy how Steven Wilson fixed the problem.
Personel[edit]
Members[edit]
- Steven Wilson
- Does everything and is everything. Has the ability to play five hundred symphonies with one pair of limbs, also controls the bands: Opeth, Camel, Muse, Radiohead, Motörhead (after the polymerisation of Lemmy), Opeth II, Petho, No Man is a man without Steven Wilson, Bluefield, and The Banana Splits.
Supposed other members that apparently contributed at some point[edit]
- Steve Wilson
- Temporarily existed when Steven decided to take the "n" off the end of his name in an attempt to sound more modern. He died in the Black Plague.
- Stephen Wilson
- Was created during the trial and error in a magazine article spelling Steven's name "Stephen". The magazine was smited by Steven's glasses with the spirit of Elvis Costello.
- Richard Barbie
- Played the triangle for the band for a little while until Steven realised that he was much better at making a crescendo with the triangle than he was. And therefore made him just stand in the background allowing him to pretend to play the keyboard, but all the time Steven is playing everything.
- Mikael Åkerfeldt
- Originally the lead singer of Opeth, he and Steven Wilson are the same person. When, in another land, Steven Wilson discovered aliens known as the "Jeremy Kyle eaters" or "Oprahs", he decided the best way to scare them off would be with long extended songs of shouting and chugging time shifting chords; but to avoid confusion to his perfection of "Porcupine Tree", he changed his name and hence created the alien of "Mikael Åkerfeldt" trying to save us from the "Oprahs".
- Robert Fripp
- From an unsuccessful underground band known as King Crimson bumped into Steven Wilson in the Vietnam War. They shared stories with each other and Steven taught Robert how to play guitar. But Robert didn't understand it and was so frustrated that he asked Steven to play it for him. Hence forth every time Robert Fripp played guitar. It was just Steven Wilson moving his eyebrows up and down. Robert Fripp experimented with this by forcibly moving Steven's eyebrows up and down. This made people believe Pluto was no longer a planet and therefore destroyed Pluto.
- Dave the Bald Guy
- Born to a 19th century dairy farmer (highly lacking in imagination) and a mute mother. Dave the Bald Guy, at the young age of thirty-two, used to pluck the tails of his father's cows. Amused by the low thumping sound created he continued on doing so, creating little tunes, such as "Anarchy in the UK", "I Will Survive" and "Tubular Bells" (well known for its use in the film The Exorcist). One day Steven stumbled upon Dave the Bald Guy creating such wonders and decided to take him along on his travels. Though Dave the Bald Guy only played with Steven for a few short weeks (Steven soon taking over his role), Steven had grown rather fond of him. Because of this, Steven kept him on board giving him the fictitious role of 'Bass player' and a new name, Colin Edwin.
- Gavin Harrison
- When Steven realised Chris Maitland, the former drummer, was growing his hair so they would be longer than his, he had no choice but to kick him out to keep his status of long-hair-god. He had to find another puppet so he chose a random drummer named Harrison as nobody knew him. Little did he know, Harrison was the god of drums, who then rained his wrath upon Wilson's indulgence to add edge to the band.
The Famous Quotes of Steven Wilson[edit]
“...scraping microphones across the strings, feeding the resulting sound into overloaded reel to reel tape recorders and producing a primitive form of multi-track recording by bouncing between two cassette machines. Basically I just raped the system and defied nature. Aren't I clever?”
“It was a bit of fun. But of course like anything that starts as a joke, people started to take it all seriously!”
“I'm not really a big fan of trying to send messages within music. I always feel like the music should be like a mirror to what's happening in the world at any given time; you hold it up and let people make up their own minds about what they see reflected back at them.”
“Sometimes you have to confront your own patterns and expectations of yourself and do away with things that you enjoy doing in order to move forward and keep evolving as a musician.”
The Discography of the Tree[edit]
| Year | Title | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| 1991 | On the Steven's Life | The first full album by Steven Wilson was so long that it could only be heard by cockroaches for 80% of the tracks. "Radioactive Toy" is a favourite of Steven's and is almost always played by him in every concert he's ever done about fifty times. |
| 1993 | Down the Upstairs up down in out and Shake It All About | A distance away from the previous psychedelic outing and more towards Stevenwilsonia that Pink Floyd heavily imitated. Also known to have been the main concept for the hokey pokey. |
| 1995 | The Sky Moves Sideways When Steven Plays Like the Sea Moved Sideways for Moses | The first album to be released in the US and the first to have Richard Barbie playing the triangle for five seconds of the second track. |
| 1996 | Signify that This Isn't Pink Floyd, It Really Is Steven Wilson | After another Pink Floyd reference with this album Steven Wilson decided to claim he was the father of Roger Waters and Syd Barrat. This created such confusion within the EU that they decided to create the Euro to solve the problem. |
| 1999 | Stupid Dream that Doesn't Involve Steven Wilson | The first album when Steven Wilson decides to write about himself and his feelings. Which resulted in the first 28 second track of Porcupine Tree EVER!! This album also contained seven weeks of audio therapy sessions. |
| 2000 | Lightbulb Sun (This Title Was Not Ripped off a Soundgarden Song...oh no...) | Exactly the same as the previous album only within the song "Four chords played one million times" which had the most literal title of all Porcupine Tree songs. |
| 2003 | In the Absentia of Steven We Would Be Dead | A concept album about a serial killer who killed many people due to not being aware of the beauty of Steven Wilson. |
| 2005 | A Hospital Without Steven Would Be Known as a Deadwing | Their Grammy-winning album. This involved Steven minimising the amount of instrumentals used to only seven hours. Following on the concept of the previous album explaining how the man retired to work at a hospital where he fantasised about Steven Wilson so much he committed suicide. |
| 2007 | Fear of a Blank Planet Without Steven Wilson | The sell out album that was constantly advertising X-Box and major brands of pornography. According to Steven he was explaining this is what the world would sound like if Steven Wilson didn't exist and had nothing to do with him running out of ideas. |
| 2009 | The Incident of Steven Wilson | Steven reminisces about the year he was born; the year of Sgt. Pepper and all that jazz. |
| 2112 | The End of the World Because Steven Wilson Says So | Collaborated with Steve Wilson and Stephen Wilson to create the ultimate Porcupine Tree album. It consists of them whispering on a constant loop on a CD that never ends speaking all the digits of pi. |