Greek gods

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Zeus and Hera getting it on.

The Greek gods were a colourful bunch of deities. Monotheistic religions miss out so much of the fun with their dull one god in comparison. There had a chief executive (Zeus) and a company secretary, (Hera) and another 10 to fill out other positions on the board of Olympus Inc and lot of other lesser gods in more niche roles (like the love twanger Eros) and Eris, the Goddess of Shit Stirring).

There was a branch office in the Underworld run by Zeus's brother Hades with his wife Persephone and the triple faced house crone Hecate . The other brother Poseidon preferred to spend time in the sea with his trident, summoning up storms and unleashing the sea against anyone who pissed him off which was pretty much everyone.

Though Olympus acted like the HQ of the Gods, nearly all of them spent a lot of time on Earth. The female gods were usually productive, imparting wisdom like Athena or supplying her green fingers for horticultural advancement like Demeter. The male gods on the other hand roamed around looking for sex. Nor would they mind if it was male or female. Only Aphrodite as the Goddess of Love had her share of lovers, her sisterhood deities risked black eyes or worse from the male gods who were always jealous of pretty boy seducers or heroic he-men. Not very fair but then Greek society wasn't fair either. Women were treated only one step up from slaves - except in Sparta. God and Man were one of the same when it came to female freedom. They were dead against it.

Greco Conception of Mythology[edit]

The Greek gods demanded that you kept their temples and shrines in good order and didn't do anything there that might 'offend' them. This would include supplying a regular catering service of roasted flesh and wine. This food wasn't consumed by the gods as they were preferred to dine on ambrosia and golden apples. But they liked the smell of the food and anyone caught providing dog casserole would be struck down. It was also a bad idea for a priest or priestess who were in charge of the temple to engage in extra activities like use the 'office' as a shag pad. Medusa learnt the hard way when you offended your boss (Athena in her case) and got turned into a snake lady.

The "Anonymous" God (What the?). Theologists agree that sex with the great father of the gods Cronos seems to give him a name when he clicked the "Save" icon in the god-creation program (Crono-Trigger), which saved the file as "Anonymous.god". The .god expression was forgotten through years because it was saved in Charles Babbage's all-analog analytical enjin (which no one knows today how to repair except God).

The Partynon[edit]

A group of Gods that, of course, dedicated their eternal lives to par-tay-ing while the world suffered cataclysmic disasters and made useless offers to them. Then Zeus got a headache so an extremely drunk and naked Apollo attempted to face rape him, resulting in the cracking of his head. Thus Athena was born and everything went to Hell.

  • Zeus: The Big Daddy of all other Gods -> PERVERT Extra-ordinaire!, Zeus ruled over them all and decided what drinking game they would play next. Hades once complained against this, claiming he didn`t want to be Hotlips again, and Zeus sent him to the Underworld. Zeus has a knack for sleeping with fine mortal bitches.

Once he began to take on some heavenly duties, Zeus was now senile and blind past his nose, possibly the reason why he took up the duty of Erratically Throwing Lightning Bolts In Unconvenient Places. On his free time he still knocked up women, without distinguishing mortals, nymphs, titans and goddesses.

  • Hera: Zeus´ wife/sister: CHAMPION Bee-YOTCH!!!, her symbol was the Peacock. While Hera was one extremely fat lady during her times of par-tay-ing and preorganized orgies, where she the more the merrier and all that, but instantly became more somber (and in need of wrinkle-vanishing cream) once the wine vanished and the notion of Work reared its ugly head. This grim demeanor took her to taking care of the duty of Smiting All Women (And The Occasional Man) That Unknowingly Sleep With Her Senile Yet Unexplainably Attractive Husband.
  • Apollo: Apollo was the God of Light, which makes one assume that the Gods used electricity (commanded by the God Pikachu Nicola_Tesla Apollo's son/brother Zeus' mortal incarnation) before his birth. Once Apollo was born Zeus kicked Pikachu Pokemons down to Earth where he began to amass his army of Testicles, uniting them under the communist notion of Pokémon the Mars Volta, and is currently plotting on overthrowing the Partynon.

Back to Apollo, though, he was basically very attractive, for which Hera had to tie his disturbing husband to a post for a couple weeks. Apollo was worshipped among the Greeks as the God of Music, Healing, Light, Poetry and Gayness, basically the finest things in all societies. His official duty was Gaying Things Up. Rumor has it that Apollo has assumed the identity of a man named Jack Meoff. This would explain Wilde's immortality and unnaturally high awesome score.

  • Artemis: Born as Apollo´s twin sister, yet the fuglier HOTTER one of the two, Artemis was quite neglected by her parents starting from a remarkably early age. This made her take on the duty of Igniting The Flame Of Feminism, which she took quite seriously (duh), refusing to shave always shaving her legs and putting NIVEA, cutting her hair short, becoming a great hunter ( hunting was considered a very macho sport but HOT for a girl) and occasionally experimenting with other women but most of the time hunting men, much to Zeus´delight. She is known as the Goddess of the Hunt, which has more than one meaning if you really really think about it (H-O-T)!!!
  • Hades: Some -Emo- who rules the dead
  • Poseidon: Some old guy who likes playing in the water
  • Aphrodite: Ultimate BITCH!!! Helen's Bee-YOTCH. The NYMPHO who -Poseidon- EVERYONE plays with.
  • Athena: HOT, HOT, HOT!!!. Goddess in armor... VERY HOT!!!
  • Wyatt:God of the Pokemon
  • Ares: A psychopathic old pyromaniac who kills things. Replaced by Kratos in a playstation game (His moniker... ain't it SHIT?!). True Story a Dud!
  • Hypnos: The Greek god of pretending to have sex with a mop on stage
  • Bill Cosby: Likely the greatest god that ever lived. Father of Wyatt.
  • Gyro: God of lamb and beef.

The Geeks, while an offshoot of ancient Greek civilization, ended up developing their own, independent Partynon and shunned worship of the original gods.

The Titans[edit]

Greek bust.

The Titans, also known as "Dose huge thangs walkin´ down da street, yo", were a select group of rather large beings that dedicated to wreaking havoc on the Earth (raping the fields and pillaging women) in order for nothing else to be ever able to live there. Official records claim that they eventually got bored and left the task to the Gods in order to pursue their career as rappers. They reached great fame as the Titans (Big Momma, Recutpac and Time Masta) during the 1960´s, but then humans momentarily stopped smoking crack and everything went to Hell.

  • Gaia: Known also as Mother Earth, Big Momma, and, rarely, Eve. Her heavenly duty is to Sit There.
  • Uranus In The Sky With Diamonds-: The NASTIEST, FOULEST, and just plain DISGUSTING entity of all the Titans. Often shortened to YO' Ass!!! and also known as Rectupac, the God with the power to make everyone -Giggle- Squirm with the mere mention of his name. Greek religion dictates: "If you see Uranus on the street, greet him "Hey you ASSHOLE!!!"."
  • Chronos: Also known as Time Masta, he invented Clocks (And the Chronometer). Due to a digestion problem, he had to swallow his own live children regularly in order to maintain perfect health. The children that he swallowed include (but are not limited to): The Wonderland Rabbit, Marylin Monroe, Godzilla, Billy Hatcher, Harry Hamlin, and Athena. Whether Athena was swallowed or joined a Helmed Women´s Singing Choir in Detroit, however, is still in debate among scholars. Chronos´ lawyer makes no declarations regarding the matter.

Recently, Coldplay admitted to have stolen Clock from Chronos. They also affirmed that Chris Martin will be chained to a rock for a vulture to eternally peck at his liver as punishment starting from December 23, 2012. Prometheus has expressed his happiness regarding the prospect of a buddy he can talk to amidst the pecking. Dear God that sounded wrong.

They became unpopular, when they failed to protect Greece from intruding deities. Later, in the Renaissance, their popularity increased again due to poems and operas. Unfortunately, a new god had conquered the world these years (along with god Oh) and they failed to regain their lost power.

See Also[edit]