Geek gods
“I'm part Greek, you know”
“It's all Geek to me...”
The Geek Gods of Mount LAN Olympics were a group of deities worshiped by the Ancient Geek Civilization.
History[edit]
Pre-Geeks[edit]
Before the time of the Ancient Geek Civilization, the area now known as Geece (not to be confused with Geese) was inhabited by Ham Radios. Geese took over this region in 1337 BC during the Battle of the Cat-alone-ian Plains, slaughtering the Hams and selling them as Kosher dog food, as well as huffing their longtime allies, the Kittens.
With their advanced civilizations and Gods, the Geeks brought such technologies as fire, coffee, and Mary Jane. The Geeks also assimilated other civilizations, such as Wankers and Nerds, into their clique at about this time.
Ancient Geek civilization[edit]
The Geeks were one of the greatest civilizations to inhabit the Californian peninsula, over 10,000 Swatch Internet beats ago. Centred around their central city, San Los Silicon, they created many myths and fables about their pantheon of gods, many of which lived at the top of a structure known as Mount LAN Olympics. From there, they would rain gifts down on to their loyal geek followers below.
List of deities[edit]
Bilus[edit]
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Attributes: god of operating systems and capitalism
Head of the geek pantheon. He created the computing world, and everything in it. He also released Windows 98 upon the world, sucking out all positive aspects but hope. He waits at the top of Mount LAN, prepared to unleash hostile takeovers and brimstone upon non believers. He requires a sacrifice every 2 years or so.
Bilius is a deity who gets involved in everything and wants to control everything despite restrictions. He thought that he could control everything despite knowing that Jobs would stop him. There is a cult dedicated to him and controlling the world by capitalism.
Gygaxius[edit]
Attributes: god of role playing games
He was once a god, but was thrown from the pantheon for actually encouraging others to use their imagination. He crafted dungeons and dragons, roughly based on the 12 labours that he had to undertake to return to Mount LAN Olympics.
Jobs[edit]
Attributes: iGod of alternate tech solutions
A god of culture and stewardship, he encouraged others to break away from Billius and his tyranny. He was cast into iHades for this suggestion and rules over the underworld, guarded by a three headed penguin, Tuxius and the ferryman, Torvalds, who demands payment for something called "GNU." He is married to iGala.
iGala[edit]
Attributes: royal consort of Jobs
Goddess of left field ideas. She was once the consort of Bilus, until he realised her threat. He punished her by throwing a half eaten apple at her. She used this as her symbol and went to live the mortals and made them cool toys to play with.
Foxynet[edit]
Attributes: the god of knowledge
This god decided to share knowledge with the few chosen mortals. She is the bitch of all the other gods and goddesses and is repeatedly used to shove unmentionable and innumerable information through the portal from Mount LAN Olympics to the known world. He first stole fire from the gods, but was chained to a hideous bolder for all eternity, known as Netscape.
pwnx0rz[edit]
Attributes: the god of shooters, video games, and pwnage
Son of Gygaxius, and the nymph Samus. He started out on Cluck Hunt, a boring game on an 8bit console involving shooting chickens, forcing them to learn how to fly, creating Duck Hunt. Later Pwnzorus got into multiplayer online games and quickly started speaking 1337 and acting like a 10 year old. The holy tabernacle of school shootings show how the shooters look to him as a role model and that when the time comes he will invent games with new guns and teach all youths around the world to allowing underage kids to buy guns and a revolution will follow.
Linus[edit]
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Attributes: god of minorities and rebellions
Son of Qwerty and the mortal Unis, he unleashed Linux and Unix onto the world. He is extremely aggravating to talk to because you can only talk to him in programming languages. An extremely small cult of programmers have begun to follow him trying to commit war against Jobs and Billius. His minions guard the gates of iHades.
Slashdotia[edit]
Attributes: messenger of the gods
Slashdotia is a deity who possesses super speed, due to the high amount of caffeine he drinks. With his motto (Neither bandwidth nor flaming nor gloom of room shall sway this messenger from his application) he delivers news from the gods to mere mortals, aided by his winged boots, named blog and IRC.
Qwerty[edit]
Attributes: keyboard of the gods
This god's only point is to be a keyboard and nothing else. That's right, no special functions story, just a thing (except for his control over keyboards). When someone types on him, what they write comes to life. He has auto correcting powers a.k.a. spell check, which changes your typos into the word you didn't want. He is very illiterate despite having a great vocabulary.
Trashcannus[edit]
Attributes: lord of the underworld
Trashcannus is the lord of the underworld, where dead, or deleted, mortals go, and where erased data goes. He was the son of the god Bilius, who created him by using the divine power of Qwerty. Trashcannus is said to be the lord of oblivion, but also the god of organised desktops.
Famous myths[edit]
The following selected tales were translated from Ancient Geek for the reader's perusal.
Bilus and iGala Have a Row[edit]
One day Bilus was routinely ensuring that no one could understand anything he produced, and that everything he did had a fundamental flaw when iGala came to see him.
"What do you want?" he asked her
"It's been so long since we did anything good for the mortals, Bilus. Why don't we make something fun?"
Bilus was angry, "Have you been hanging around with that knobber, Gygaxius, again?"
"No."
"Liar."
"Oh, fuck off, you miserable git."
"What?"
"I said, fuck off."
Bilus threw his half eaten apple at her, "Take that! Give that to your mortals!!"
iGala turned away, "I will. I will create toys and cool looking things for them. And you will suffer."
"Whatever" and Bilus went back to his work.
iGala went and made a MAC and and iPod.
And an iNation was born.
Gygaxius Falls Foul[edit]
One day Gygaxius was chillin with a cold beer and watching all the mortals down on earth having battles and living their meaningless lives. Suddenly, he had an idea.
"I know. If I make a game for them to play which means they can fight battles and do all sorts of normal things, without actually having to do it in real life, then the world will be a better place."
Jobs overheard. "How would it work?"
"Just make them leaders of pretend countries and stuff. Then they can play each other, and the countries and people aren't real."
"That's stupid"
"Bollocks is it. I'm gonna tell Bilus. He'll dig it."
"No he won't"
"Fuck off." Gygaxius went to see Bilus and told him that he wanted to make a game for the mortals.
Bilus was interested. "Will they have to use my stuff too?"
"Yeah, and Foxynet."
"Cool."
Gygaxius went off and made loads of RPG games. Civilisation, Gears of War, Sims and Final Fantasy. He took them back to Bilus.
"What is this bollocks?"
"My games."
"Fuck off. It's rubbish. Where is the crap coding, and crashing capability? Why is it fun?"
Gygaxius was confused, "I thought you said you agreed."
"I didn't. Now, piss off to Hades...I'm well pissed with you."
Gygaxius was banished to Hades, where he found loads of chillin' dudes who really digged his games. He handed them out to various demi-gods such as Sony, Nintendo and Sega......Bilus felt like a twat.
And thus Xbox Live was born.
