Diomedes
“I'm a bearded bully.”
Diomedes is an Ancient Greek hero associated with the Trojan War and producing shoddy goods from the discount retailer Argos. In that, his deadliest enemies were the Trojans and the Swedish-Greek island of Ikea. Mythologically speaking, Diomedes is also a bit of a bore and a friend of Athena. It was with her support that he flattened the Greek god of war Ares and stuck a spear into Aphrodite's hand when she tried to rescue her son Aeneas from a killer blow.
Yet Diomedes never seems to be his own man. True, he has Athena's help to get one over on her Olympian rivals, but she already had Achilles and Odysseus as mascots. Diomedes' one true 'heroic act' was to attack the goddess of love in battle. It wasn't a fair match.
Background[edit]
Diomedes succeeded King Adrastus to rule over Argos. His father Tydeus had predeceased Adrastus after he was mortally wounded backing a rival side in a fratricidal war in Thebes. For reasons unexplained, Athena wanted to grant him immortality to save Tydeus. Instead, he had cracked open the head of the man who had just lanced him and ate his brains with ouzo and olive oil. Athena refused to partake of the peace and Tydeus had then choked to death.
Trade wars[edit]
Argos's wealth was sold off at dirt-cheap prices. This angerered the Swedes on Ikea and led to a tit-for-tat banning and burning of each other's goods once spotted in a Greek market. Diomedes wanted to attack Ikea but was told the island was way north and hard to reach. Pissed by that news, Diomedes switched his attention to another commercial rival, Troy. At least Diomedes knew where they were.
Trojan wars[edit]
Agamemnon, the king of neigbouring Mycenae, put out the call for all true Greeks to avenge Menelaus and his wounded (financial) pride. Joining the expedition made sense to most, but Diomedes wife was more put out. Aegiale, whose father Adrastus had been king of Argos, had elevated her cousin Diomedes up the social climbing vine by marrying him. She threatened to leave Diomedes if he stayed away for more than 10 months. However, ten years later, he was still out with the Greek boys, working to take out Troy and smash their horse souvenir business.
God poking[edit]
Diomedes let himself be 'advised' by Athena in her ongoing feud with Aphrodite. Still sore about losing a beauty contest when Paris had chosen 'the bimbo' over her, Athena advised Diomedes to attack Aeneas. She knew this would bring Aphrodite into battle, especially as she had encouraged Ares to get involved and support the Trojans.
Diomedes flung a rock at Aeneas. It broke the Trojan warrior's thigh. Aeneas's helmet then fell off and Diomedes aimed another boulder at Aeneas, which knocked him out cold. Aphrodite, who was Aeneas's goddess-mother, intervened and attempted to shield Aeneas. "Spear the bitch!", stage whispered Athena. Diomedes hesitated. Attacking Trojans was one thing but attacking an immortal? Angry, Athena pushed Diomedes foward with his spear. It found Aphrodite's wrist and pierced her. The goddess let out a scream and dropped Aeneas. Apollo, who had been watching the struggle like a bemused observer, caught Aeneas before he hit the ground and spirited the senseless Aeneas away from battle. As the god left, he told Diomedes that Aeneas wasn't destined to die anywhere near Troy in this epic. So lay off!
Athena enjoyed seeing Aphrodite attacked and doubled down on her support. "You beat the Goddess of Love. Now try your skills against the God of War." Ares heard Aphrodite's cry and raced over in his chariot with his sister Eris wailing like a sick banshee. Diomedes evaded Ares's sword and struck the god in his groin. Up went an even louder scream as the spear again pieced immortal flesh. "Did I kill him?" asked Diomedes. "Nah, no such luck," smiled Athena. "Mr Thicko will survive. See how Eris takes him off the battlefield. He will be back. We won! Greeks 2 Trojans 0."
Aphrodite's revenge[edit]
After this flash in the Olympic pan, Diomedes faded into the background. The only other Greek leader he fully trusted was Odysseus. The two backed each other in arguments with Achilles, Agamemnon and Ajax the Greater. His last main mission with Odysseus was to steal from a Trojan corner shop selling Athena wind-up toys. A Trojan seer called Helenus had defected to the Greeks and told them that the alternative was another ten years of siege against the city.
When Troy was finally overwhelmed and sacked, Diomedes passed up on his share of the captives. He wanted to get back to Argos, where he heard his wife Aegiale had gotten the seven-year itch six years early and had hooked up with a battalion of boyfriends, her ardor apparently boosted by Aphrodite striking back the man who attacked her.
Diomedes' return was quick. His friend Odysseus would have killed Aegiale's lovers (and perhaps the queen too). By comparison, Diomedes took his demotion without a pathological protest and moved into the palace garage to sleep with the chariots. Perhaps he thought Aegiale would grow out of her infidelities. In fact, she didn't, but served Diomedes with an eviction notice. 'Leave or Die'. Diomedes left.
Exile[edit]
Diomedes' post-Troy adventures indicate he set up shop somewhere in Italy. Ironically, Aeneas had ended up as an Italian exile too, after escaping from Troy. There is no legend or story about them meeting up like old soldiers talking about past battles. Pity, it could have made an interesting tale.
