UnScripts:Judgement of Paris

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The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.

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Who is taking a shine to my apple?

Scene 1

EVENING EXTERIOR

A line of people are waiting in line to enter a party. Two of them appear specially agitated by the time it is taking.

ENTER APOLLO AND ARTEMIS

ARTEMIS

Why do we need to prove who we are to get into this wedding feast Apollo?

APOLLO

Weren’t you at the meeting we held on Mount Olympus?

ARTEMIS

I was out hunting with the nymphs.

APOLLO

Oh yes, you’re always out killing something or the other out in the forest.

ARTEMIS

I am the goddess of the hunt brother. You just chase after my nymphs or skin people alive who challenge you to a music contest.

APOLLO

I have fun with flighty fillies You're talking about the satyr Marysas?

ARTEMIS

Yes him.

'Jackass!'

APOLLO

He should have never challenged me to a musical contest with that flute of his.

ARTEMIS

You killed Marysas by flaying him and gave King Midas a pair of jackass ears.

APOLLO

I thought that was funny as the cloth eared clown said Marysas had won the contest. Let's get back to your nymphs!

ARTEMIS

Which ones? You mean like the nymph Daphne who changed herself into a tree to escape your unwanted attention!

APOLLO

I only wanted to ask for a date. Daffy was just my type.

ARTEMIS

She evidently disagreed!

(They shuffle forward as they get nearer the security desk).

'This way Apollo'

ARTEMIS

Remind me Apollo. Who are these people whose wedding we are going to?

APOLLO

I know the bride. Thetis. She is a sea nymph.

ARTEMIS

I bet you do!

APOLLO

No, actually never tried it on with Thetis. I knew both Poseidon and Zeus wanted to have sex with her so I chose the better part of valour.

ARTEMIS

You ran away.

APOLLO

I certainly did. Who again are all these people here??

ARTEMIS

Mortals. I expect they belong to the bridegroom’s side of the family. Thetis’s family are all sea gods of one kind or another. They don’t usually travel anywhere out of the sea.. What is the bridegroom’s name again Apollo? Rhymes with Penis I think??

TELAMON

The bridgegroom's name is Peleus. I am his brother Telamon.

APOLLO

Well good to meet you Telamon. Any available nymphs in your family?

ARTEMIS

APOLLO!

TELAMON

No, we don't have any Apollo. This is my wife Periboea.

PERIBOEA

Pleased to meet you Apollo. The statues don't do you justice. And you young lady are?

ARTEMIS

And I am Artemis. Apollo's twin and a daughter of Zeus.

PERIBOEA

Oh, I am sorry Artemis. I hope you did not take offence. I just remembered you as the goddess who exposes her breast whilst shooting arrows at deer in the forest.

ARTEMIS

I am easily offended! VERY EASILY!

APOLLO

Our father told us to be best behaved with mortals today.

ARTEMIS

I don't know what Zeus said. I wasn't there at that meeting. Remember Apollo?

TELAMON

I promise we will make amends with our sacrifices to you when we get home.. Won’t we Periboea?

PERIBOEA

Yes we will husband. I will select the best venison for your altars.

TELAMON

Go ahead of us divine twins. The security desk is free now.

ENTER PERSOPHONE AND CEREBUS WITH GUARDS

(Apollo and Artemis stride up to the desk. They are surprised to see Persophone with Cerebus who is sniffing all the bags and purses of the guests. She is with a couple of cyclopes)

ARTEMIS

Hello Persophone. Is that time of year when your husband lets you out for a few months before you have to back to the Kingdom of the Dead?

The triple woof.

PERSOPHONE

Very observant Artemis. I am staying with mother. I was asked to be bring along Cerberus to assist with security.

(Cerberus growls and snarls in three dimensions with his heads.)

APOLLO

Good doggy. Found any dead people trying to sneak into this party?

PERSOPHONE

Not yet. Now let Cerberus sniff you both over.

ARTEMIS

We're gods! We don't need to be security checked.

PERSOPHONE

No exemptions. Mortals and immortals. All to be treated the same by order of Zeus.

(Reluctantly Apollo and Artemis let Cerberus sniff them thoroughly.)

ARTEMIS

It's a bloody liberty!

ENTER HERMES

HERMES

What is the hold-up here? Oh, it's you two.

ARTEMIS

Hello messenger boy brother. Why is there all this ridiculous security today? Are we expecting an attack from the giants or a clash of the titans??

HERMES

Something like that. Persophone, you are invited inside but leave Cerberus here with Cyclopes

(Apollo and Artemis start to follow Hermes into the villa. Persophone pats the three headed Cerberus and joins them.)

EXIT APOLLO, ARTEMIS, HERA AND PERSOPHONE

Scene 2

INTERIOR

ENTER APHRODITE, ATHENA and HERA

(Standing together and away from the main table are Aphrodite, Athena and Hera. All three women are quite tipsy and being very catty with each other and about other guests.)

Thetis and Peleus

ATHENA

I see Poseidon arrived earlier. The God of Seaweed and Storms. Father of monsters.

APHRODITE

Does he ever brush his hair? So remind me who hasn't been invited to this God blessed wedding?

HERA

Hades was invited but said he had some hellish business to deal with urgently.

APHRODITE

At least we're spared his acrid aftershave. I see Persophone got invited. Allowed back here as part of her marital arrangement with Hades.

HERA

All that time underground. No wonder Persephone looks so deathly pale.

ATHENA

Dionysus makes strong amber nectar. I feel this wine it’s going straight into my head.

APHRODITE

Just as well as you took your helmet off then. You have an odd shaped head Athena. Has anyone told you?

ATHENA

You have. Every day. I also came fully dressed. Your outfit reveals more than it covers Aphrodizzy.

HERA

You might as well be standing there naked Aphrodite. I think I know your body better than my own.

APHRODITE

Nothing wrong with my body. I am the goddess of love and sex.

ATHENA

Who needs either?

APHRODITE

You are a dry stick Athena. Not one romantic bone in your body. You didn't choose virginity. It chose you!

ATHENA

If I wasn't a perpetual virgin I would have chosen brains over beauty for a partner.

APHRODITE

Is that why I can always find you hanging around my husband at his forge?

Best metal basher in the world.

ATHENA

I see Haephastus because he is the best metalsmith in the world.

APHRODITE

I know what you two get up to in that inferno. Taking measurements, trying on different breastplates. Haephastus has had his sweaty hands all over you!

ATHENA

What do you care Aphrodite? When you and your brat are not messing up other people's emotions, you're lying naked on your husband's couch with his bovine brother.

APHRODITE

Only because Haephastus ignores me. Ares is an immortal man in all the right places. And Eros is not a brat!

ATHENA

You can live in Ares's head Aphrodite. There's plenty of space in there.

HERA

Girls! We are at a wedding. Be more respectful! And leave my boys alone with your remarks

APHRODITE

I let Ares run around with whom he likes. I don't make a man blind for catching me showering under waterfall like you did with poor Tiresias. How old was he again? Ten or something and a bit Athena??

'I spy with my er...no eyes!'

ATHENA

I compensated Tiresias loss with clairvoyance skills and a very long life. Mortals cannot see us naked.

APHRODITE

What rot! Just for seeing you unclothed? I would have asked the boy for my towel and left it that.

HERA

Wasn't that the boy I changed into a woman over some other issue?

ATHENA

Yes, for treading on your pet snakes. You swore vengeance.

HERA

Oh I did. I changed him back!

ATHENA

Seven years later, after he/she got married and had a family! If Tiresias had seen Artemis naked, she would have set the hounds on him.

APHRODITE

Talking about Artemis. I see she's arrived with Apollo. He does look dashing. As for Artemis, I see she has tucked in her boobs for once.

HERA

Such a wild girl. As strong as an ox and about as attractive as one.

ATHENA

My head feels a bit giddy.

APHRODITE

Mine too!

ENTER GANYMEDE WITH A TRAY OF DRINKS AND FOOD

GANYMEDE

My lord Zeus requests the prescence of the Queen of Olympus, the Goddess of Wisdom and the Goddess of Love at the top table.

HERA

I see my dull, domesticated sisters have been busy in the kitchen again.

GANYMEDE

Sacred Flame Ambrosia burgers prepared by Hestia and the other wedding feast provisions by Demeter.

APHRODITE

I will just take a sip of the nectar. Can't be a fat Goddess of Love can I?

HERA

Ahhh to be immortal. We have to drink nectar like bees and eat ambrosia like old ladies without any teeth in. Ganymede, you remember eating real meat when you were once a mortal? What was it like??

GANYMEDE

When I was a prince growing up in Troy I ate a lot of Asia Minor pizza. That was before Zeus as an eagle plucked me off a mountain and flew me here for a work placement.

ATHENA

I thought you were just holiday cover whilst Hebe was at college.

GANYMEDE

She stayed on the form her own band: The Hebejeebees. That's why I am here still.

APHRODITE

It's more than just a job isn't Ganymede.

GANYMEDE

Depends on which myth you read.

ENTER HERMES

Athena, Aphrodite and Hera.

HERMES

Didn't you pass on Zeus's message Ganymede??

HERA

He did. We're just coming.

APHRODITE

Hold your winged sandals Hermes. Have you seen Eros?

ATHENA

There he is. Emptying his quivver into old Seaweed's backside.

HERA

You know if Poseidon hears you calling him that he will raise a tempest on us all.

ATHENA

We're up in the mountains. Zeus rules here.

HERMES

Hurry up!

EXIT APHRODITE, ATHENA, GANYMEDE, HERMES and HERA,

Scene 3

(Ganymede, Aphrodite, Athena, Hera and Hermes join the main group. Zeus is sitting at the top of the table. Thetis is tickling Zeus under his chin. Peleus looks nervous but everyone else appears they are having fun. Also sat around the table are Ares, Haephastus, Hestia, Demeter, Poseidon, Eros and Persophone)

ZEUS

I see nearly everyone is here. This is Thetis. I had some wild plans with her but the oracles said 'don't go there' or your resultant son will overthrow you.

THETIS

I am grateful to you Zeus for restraining yourself.

HERA

That would be a first.

POSEIDON

So am I. My sea temper was calmed down when I learned Thetis had agreed to marry Peleus. Save us all the embarrassment of..OUCH!

EROS

Bullseye!

ZEUS

Take his love arrows away Aphrodite.

EROS

Awww! Just having fun. When does the real party start, you know all the good stuff with wriggly bodies.

APHRODITE

Now behave Eros!

ATHENA

How old are you Eros? You dress like a child!

EROS

I am a child. Why do you think I fly about the place as a naked boy with undeveloped genitals!

ZEUS

Can we have some order now. Peleus, say something.

PELEUS

I am very pleased to see such a stellar class of gods and goddesses at my humble wedding to the sea nymph Thetis. It was a difficult romance as Thetis kept changing her mind and bodyshape to put me off but Zeus backed me.

POSEIDON

So did I. Thetis was in danger of causing wars and conflicts with her beauty.

THETIS

Hardly my fault Peleus. Always blame the woman? I hear Helen has the same problems.

EROS

Why is everyone becoming disagreeable all of sudden? My arrows were keeping everyone in a good mood.

HERA

Oh..oh...I think I know. You did invite everyone Zeus?

ZEUS

Hades isn't here but his wife and Cerberus is the sniffer dog here checking for explosives. And I didn't invite Hecabe because she's old and doesn't like parties...and...

ENTER ERIS

Eris arrives.

ERIS

...And me!

ZEUS

This is Eris, my eldest daughter Thetis and Peleus. You know everyone else here Eris?

ERIS

Yes.

ZEUS

How did you get past security?

ERIS

My usual weapons: discord and disharmony and I knew Cerberus does love cup cakes and a tummy tickle.

ZEUS

How did you know about this wedding? It was kept secret. Did Hades tell you?

ERIS

No he didn't. I worked it out when my brother failed to turn up on a battlefield we had agreed to meet on earlier. I also checked to see if he was with the blonde bimbo or some other fleshy company. Then I found the wedding invite at Ares's own house. So here I am!

ARES

Bugger!

ZEUS

You have made your point Eris.

ERIS

I haven't started!! This is a wedding party and it traditional to hand out a present.

THETIS

You shouldn't have!

ERIS

I haven't. This present is up for competitive tender.

PELEUS

You are not welcome here Eris.

ERIS

I seldom am. Have you heard of the Pear of Despair, the Cherry of Pie or the Apple of Discord?

EROS

The middle one sounds fun. The others not so.

ERIS

I have neither a pear or a cherry but I do have an apple. Should I open the box?

HERA

Is this me and Zeus? You were always a difficult child.

ERIS

You think this about you TWO! Such arrogance!! Do you think I am happy being this person?? Abandoned in a cave to brought up by a rank nanny goat and smelly shepherds??

Of Goats and Men.

ZEUS

That nanny goat was Amalthea, she had suckled me and your mother and our brothers and sisters when we in hiding from Cronus.

ERIS

You were hiding from me! Your eldest child!! Why couldn't you have put Ares, Haephastus or Hebe in that cave with a smelly goat? No, it had to be me. No wonder you have been such lousy parents. Zeus using his divine powers to chase any skirt in Greece - female or male - and Hera, trying to get her husband back by persecuting the bearers of his children and their offspring. What a pair of miserable lives.

ARES

I didn't tell you about this wedding Eris because I knew you would be disruptive. I like being with you in the same chariot when we are spreading violence and destruction on a battlefield but there is a time and place for that. This isn't the place today.

ERIS

No wonder Athena always whips your yellow ass in battle brother.

ARES

Not always.

ATHENA

Always.

ERIS

Don't need your help the goddess of stuck-up. None of you. You wanted to avoid conflict here? Guess what. It's always around. Here is the prize. Go scramble for it.

Who wants it?

(Eris opens the box and pulls out the Golden Apple. She picks it up and tosses it to the main table. Eris drops the box onto the floor. She then makes a few rude hand gestures and storms out, followed by Ares running after her. By now there is mayhem on the main table as gods and goddesses try to grab it. Ganymede manages to pick it up and hands it over to Zeus.)

EXIT ERIS AND ARES

ZEUS

Hermes. Bring back Ares. Can't have him and Eris start kicking up trouble!

HERMES

I will catch them in my winged sandals!

ZEUS

That's a good boy!

EXIT HERMES

ZEUS

There is a message on the apple. It reads 'Kallista - To the Fairest'.

APHRODITE

That's me. I am blonde and fair.

ATHENA

It doesn't mean the blondest. I have a fair complexion and dark brown hair.

APOLLO

The message is non-gender specific. Could equally apply to a man.

HERA

The only one that would qualify as a man and woman is Hermaphroditus and he/she wasn't invited here either.

ZEUS

He declined to come unless his parents were excluded for being neglectful.

APHRODITE

I always forgot about him/her. Don't know how and I Hermes produced such a strange child.

ATHENA

So the prize can only be claimed if you happened to be at this party?

APHRODITE

We should exclude Eris for being a disruptor.

APOLLO

Eris was uninvited so can be excluded as an unwelcome party crasher. Let Zeus decide the rules.

ZEUS

Err..yes. Uhmm. Let me think.

PELEUS

Lets go to the orchard and pick up some more apples or cut this one up so we all get a share.

APOLLO

I don't believe it works like that.

PELEUS

How does it work?

ZEUS

I decide. I am excluding male gods and mere mortals. I am taking that the apple's message is directed at women and that a mortal will lose their looks after a certain age. The winner would have to look as fresh as a daisy in 20 years time.

ARTEMIS

Does this exclude my nymphs?

ZEUS

Yes as none of them are here.

APOLLO

And mine too?

ZEUS

Yes those too, and the Muses.

APHRODITE

What about Thetis? Isn't she a nymph??

THETIS

I am also a minor sea goddess but I will bow to Zeus's final decision.

ZEUS

Thank you Thetis. I will operate the minor goddess/nymph exclusion rule. Only higher goddesses can compete for this apple.

(Hestia and Demeter shake their heads to show they don't want to apply.)

ZEUS

That leaves Aphrodite, Artemis, Athena, Hera and Persophone.

APHRODITE

Persophone can't be in this contest. She spends half the year out of sight in the underworld.

PERSOPHONE

I can do a better job than you Aphrodite. Adonis is always telling me you are pain in the bum when he is here sharing his favours.

Unhappy sharing.

APHRODITE

The poor lad is only about recovering when I have to send him back to you!

ZEUS

Aphrodite is correct. I can't it work with Persophone spending half the year with my brother in hell.

PERSOPHONE

Let's try. It was your solution that allowed myself and Aphrodite to share Adonis.

APHRODITE

An arrangement you tried to change to your advantage I recall.

ARTEMIS

There is no such impediment for me in this contest, is there Apollo? My strongest advocate. I will be here 365 days a year.

HERA

Yes there is. From me. You will stick this apple on someone's head and use it for archery practice.

ARTEMIS

I would not.

HERA

Can you read the writing on the apple. Show her Zeus.

Zeus shows Artemis the apple. She struggles to read the word.

ARTEMIS

It says Kallista. Made in China.

APHRODITE

She can't read for toffee...what ever that is.

ARTEMIS

Speak up for me Apollo!

APOLLO

Let Zeus decide.

ARTEMIS

YOU SQUIRMER!

EXIT ARTEMIS

ZEUS

Artemis has resigned from the contest. That leaves Aphrodite, Athena and Hera. I am surprised that you want to claim the prized apple Athena. I didn't think you cared for this type of prize.

ATHENA

I want to show everyone that there is another side to me. I think I can appeal to those who are independently minded.

APHRODITE

Athena, the goddess who walks around with a dead woman's head stuck on her shield. Very appealing!

ATHENA

The apple should go to the brightest. I always beat Aphrodite and Hera in chess.

APHRODITE

That’s not what is written on the apple.

(Hermes and Ares have returned to the main table. Hermes hands over the box to Zeus.)

HERA

I agree with Aphrodite for once. Walking around in armour with Medusa's noggin stitched on to a shield is a disqualifier.

ATHENA

No it is not. I have a long record of being fair in my judgements. Medusa deserved this fate for letting old seaweed hump her in my temple!

POSEIDON

Yes, that was a bit wild. She was a great shag. Not now. Poor Medusa.

HERA

So Athena is disqualified and Aphrodite can't stand because of her parentage. Who ever heard of someone being fair after being made of a dead god's bollocks and sea water? I win by default, if not on merit and by status as the Queen of Olympus. Zeus? MY APPLE!??

ZEUS

I am going to cogitate between the claims of Aphrodite, Athena and Hera. Only these three.

HERA

Look here my brother-husband. I am your bloody wife! This apple should be mine!

ZEUS

I will let everyone know when I decide. Now let us go back to the meal. Ganymede?

GANYMEDE

Yes Zeus.

ZEUS

Place this apple and its box in secure place.

GANYMEDE

I will do that for you now.

Scene 4

25 YEARS LATER

(Zeus is resting on his couch. With him is Ganymede who is refilling his cup with nectar).

ZEUS

That boy Achilles is looking good. To think he could have been my son if I had laid with his mother Thetis all those years ago.

GANYMEDE

I think it was like 20 years ago?

ZEUS

That was a great wedding party except that business with Eris and the apple. Just as well everyone has forgotten...

(enter Hera, Athena and Aphrodite. Hera obviously heard her Zeus’s last remark. He is surprised to see all three of them together.)

HERA

I haven't forgotten Zeus.

ATHENA

Nor me.

APHRODITE

Or me.

ZEUS

It's just a bright yellow apple. Look. I can produce them out of thin air!

In an instant Zeus surrounds everyone with an orchard, fully laden with apples.

HERA

But these are not the apple are they?

Hera repeats the movement and the orchard has gone.

ZEUS

Can't we just move on?

APHRODITE

Eris dropped by Ares's house. She reminded him of the apple.

ATHENA

How do you know?

APHRODITE

I happened to drop by.

HERA

You were there drop your panties Aphrodite!

ATHENA

Quelle surprise not!

APHRODITE

Eris asked who had the apple now. I said Zeus did. Eris laughed.

GANYMEDE

I ate it.

HERA

You WHAT?

GANYMEDE

Demeter made a pie and we all had it yesterday.

HERA

LIAR!

ZEUS

Ganymede is just making one of his Trojan jokes.

HERA

GANYMEDE?

APHRODITE

I think the apple still exists. Otherwise we wouldn't have all this quarreling.

ZEUS

Yes it still exists. I keep it safe under my throne.

HERA

So what are you going to do?

ZEUS

Leave it to the Fates.

HERA

What? Those old dried out crones with their sucked out tits?? We won't ever get an answer out of them! I ask again for Aphrodite and Athena to withdraw from this contest. They can compete for it after I have retired. I am the Queen of the Gods and it that means anything here, I should receuve the sodding apple.

ATHENA

No. This is a choice only Zeus can make.

APHRODITE

I am the Goddess of Beauty and this apple belongs to me.

GANYMEDE

Why not choose someone who is strictly neutral?

ZEUS

I think everyone on Mount Olympus has a view.

GANYMEDE

They don't have to be a god. A human could do it.

ZEUS

Do you have any candidates?

GANYMEDE

I do. A fellow Trojan called Paris.

ZEUS

The name sounds familiar.

GANYMEDE

Paris's parents abandoned him to wild dogs when he was born. There was a prophecy that Paris would bring death, destruction and increased taxes on Troy if allowed to live.

HERA

Then he is dead.

GANYMEDE

He was found by a shepherd and his lived on Mount Ida ever since. Unaware that he is a lost prince of Troy.

HERA

What else has this man got going for him? He only knows about smelly goats and stupid sheep.

APHRODITE

Mount Ida? The one near Troy??

GANYMEDE

Yes.

APHRODITE

Ares told me a story recently how he entered into a competition disguised as a bull. Paris was the judge and gave Ares the winner's rosette.

ATHENA

Was he still in a bull shape when he got the prize? Would anyone know the difference??

APHRODITE

Ares says Paris didn't cheat or show favour to his own cattle which were in the same contest.

HERA

What a farce. The supreme God Zeus delegates his judging powers to a man who has lived a life surrounded by bullshit.

ZEUS

I am liking this idea a lot. Let Paris be our judge!

HERA

I don’t get it. Paris awards a bull a prize who happens to be my son impersonating livestock. This Paris is our best choice to judge who gets the golden apple? Does he know the difference between beauty and bullocks??

ZEUS

We will find out. So it is agreed. I am Zeus so my word is final. Let the Trojan decide. Now leave me Aphrodite, Athena and Hera. Prepare yourselves for a visit to Mount Ida.

exit Aphrodite, Athena and Hera

GANYMEDE

What if Paris refuses to be a judge?

ZEUS

I have many thunderbolts. That should change his mind if he is thinking of rejecting my orders.

GANYMEDE

Of course Zeus but I suggest he is given some protection from the goddesses. I mean, if he gives the apple to one of them, the other two will be very offended and possibly revengeful.

ZEUS

Paris can judge this contest how he likes and under his conditions. I just ask that a decision is made today so we can end this apple business once and for all. Is that enough for you Ganymede?

GANYMEDE

Yes Lord Zeus.

ZEUS

Good. Splendid. Now where is Hermes?

enter Hermes

HERMES

I breathe to serve Zeus. I fetch and carry. No order too big for me...

ZEUS

I am not about to sack you or replace the method we communicate with mortals.

HERMES

Thank you Zeus.

ZEUS

You know where Mount Ida is?

HERMES

There is one near Troy and another on Crete.

ZEUS

Must be the first one. You are to look for a young cowboy called Paris. You will find him on a mountain. Tell him to prepare for some very special visitors.

HERMES

Can I tell him their names?

ZEUS

No. It will be a surprise. Ganymede will give you the instructions. I am off to prepare myself for the show.

exit Zeus.

HERMES

What show?

GANYMEDE

It could be the next big thing on Mythos TV.

HERMES

Zeus was in a breezy mood. Did he receive some good news?

GANYMEDE

Look at it this way Hermes. Either I have provided a solution to a problem or my solution will bring down everything.

HERMES

So it could be that bad. I am just the messenger God here. I don't dictate policy here Ganymede.

Scene 5

ENTER APHRODITE, ATHENA, HERA AND EROS

'Don't be shy babies'

(By a mountain stream that empties into a large pool Aphrodite, Athena and Hera are splashing around and flicking water at each other. Eros is hovering over the pool.)

HERA

Eros shouldn't be here. Athena and I have come alone but you are here with Eros.

EROS

I am never far from mother. Never know when my arrows will come in use.

HERA

This time you can clear off Eros. Come back when the judgement is over.

EROS

What? And miss the fun??

HERA

You're just here Eros for a perve at our naked bodies.

APHRODITE

Leave us for now Eros. I will let you know when it is over.

EROS

This is so damn unfair!

APHRODITE

EROS! Don't defy me. Now go. Play with Athena's owl.

ATHENA

Plenty of other wildlife in the forest. Go fire your arrows at them Eros and create unlikey lovers.

EROS

SPOILSPORTS!

EROS EXITS

APHRODITE

Do you normally go swimming wearing your helmet Athena?

ATHENA

I..I..forgot!

APHRODITE

And do you wear a dress in the shower Hera? Come on my fellow goddesses, let the waters fully embrace your bodies without unnecessary hindrance.

(Reluctantly Athena and Hera follow Aphrodite's example and take off all their clothes.))

HERA

How long do we have to wait here and why this request that we had to bathe before meeting Paris?

APHRODITE

Perhaps he thought our perfume could affect his judgement.

HERA

My hand maidens took hours to prepare me for this. And then I am told I had wash everything off.

APHRODITE

I had a similar experience. Were you wearing any perfume Athena?

ATHENA

I was. Demeter and Hestia let me borrow some of theirs.

APHRODITE

That explains the lavender water I smelt on you before we got into this..what is this? A pond or lake?

HERA

The lake is supposed to renew our virginity.

ATHENA

I don't feel any different.

APHRODITE

I don't want to smell like a spotty teenage girl again.

HERA

Where are our clothes?

ENTER HERMES

(Athena and Hera lower their bodies into the water so only their heads can be seen. Aphrodite doesn't hide and leaves her breasts exposed)

HERMES

Ladies, are you prepared for the contest?

HERA

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR THINGS!?

ATHENA

Explain Hermes! Has Paris stolen our clothes to flog off in some cheap Trojan market?

APHRODITE

I can't see my magic girdle!

HERMES

All your belongings are in safe keeping until after the contest is over.

HERA

We're all naked in this damn puddle Hermes!

Naked in a puddle.

HERMES

It's in the rules of the competition. All entrants must not be clothed in anything that could sway the judge's opinion. That also included props like Athena's armour, Hera's crown and Aphrodite's girdle. There will be no sign of status or wealth for this contest and that includes clothing.

ATHENA

Or the lack of it seems.

APHRODITE

I emerged naked out of a sea. Doing the same with this paddling pool is no different to me.

(Aphrodite starts to emerge from the waters but her arms are held back by Athena and Hera.)

HERMES

I have brought you bathing gowns to cover yourselves before we reach Paris. Only there will you need to fully disrobe.

HERA

Look away as we get out of the lake Hermes. You make me feel uncomfortable.

HERMES

I have brought along some thick shades. I won't see anything of you except vague outlines.

ATHENA

Before we get out we should decide the running order.

HERMES

I suggest you play stone, scissors and paper to decide that. Here are your robes.

Off we go ladies!

(Hermes snaps on a pair of dark glasses as Aphrodite, Athena and Hera emerge out of the pool. They find the bathrobes and play stone, scissors and paper. Aphrodite wins and elects to go last. Hera beats Athena and decides to go first. With this settled, they follow Hermes away from the pool.)

Scene 5

(A short distance from the pool is Paris. He is lying on a rock sunning himself. He is wearing a large hat, a cloak and a pair of sandals and nothing else. He isn't sure if he had just been imagining Hermes turning up to tell him he was to make a very important judgement. With Paris is a dog and talks to it whilst he waits.)

PARIS

I know Argus. I can't explain it either. A guy with winged sandals who says he's Hermes tells me to get ready but not to dress up for the occasion. In fact he said to me - 'dress like you do everyday - a humble herder'. So I do and then Hermes or whoever vanishes.

(He pats the dog's head and then hears a noise of someone swearing, a woman's voice.)

ENTER APHRODITE, ATHENA, HERA and HERMES

HERA

Look where you're going Hermes! You just stood on my foot!

HERMES

My apologies Hera. These dark glasses are rather more effective than I realised.

APHRODITE

Are we there yet? This rough ground is breaking my toenails!

ATHENA

Stop complaining Aphrodite. No one is going to look at your baby feet!

APHRODITE

They're not going to look at your calloused tootsies either Athena. Do you spend time climbing up trees in army boots!?

HERMES

Goddesses, we have arrived at our destination.

(Aphrodite, Athena, Hera and Hermes see Paris. He is now sitting bolt up right, covering his body with his cloak.)

HERA

Is this him? Paris the Prince of Troy?

HERMES

He doesn't yet know his official parentage.

PARIS

Prr.prrr..who? I am known as Sandy. I am not prince of Troy.

HERA

Yes you are. Someone will explain later. As you can see us ladies have come in our best rented bathrobes to meet a complete stranger on a mountain side. As we do.

PARIS

You are divine goddesses! Oh my Zeus

ATHENA

He is a fast learner!

APHRODITE

Hermes. Formerly introduce us to Paris.

HERA

We can speak for ourselves. I am Hera. Queen of Heaven. Wife of Zeus, Goddess of many duties like childbirth and mums.

ATHENA

I am Athena. The Goddess of Wisdom and military intelligence. Don't hurt any owls. They are sacred to me.

APHRODITE

And I am Aphrodite. Goddess of Love, sacred and profane. Also kind to animals.

(Hermes fishes the golden apple out of his tunic.)

HERMES

This is the Golden Apple. Also known as the Apple of Discord, an unwanted wedding present and an evil gift from the goddess Eris. Here, Paris, catch!

(Hermes bowls the apple underarm to Paris who catches it but at the same time revealing his own nakedness. This makes Aphrodite smile.)

APHRODITE

Nice six pack Paris! And everything else!!

PARIS

Thank you Aphrodite!

ATHENA

Cover yourself Paris. No pre-contest unfair encouragement.

HERA

Don't take an unfair advantage Aphrodite before we have even started!

PARIS

This apple has an inscription. 'Callista - to the fairest'.

HERMES

The apple is to be rewarded to any of the three goddesses before you Paris.

PARIS

Is it edible?

HERMES

It is made of gold.

PARIS

That doesn't seem very practical.

HERA

Back to the matter in hand. We all got the instructions about not wearing anything that could sway your choice one way or another.

PARIS

I said I wanted everyone to act natural in the contest.

HERMES

Yes, Zeus told the goddesses to act naturist.

PARIS

No, I meant. Come as they were or are. I didn't necessarily mean naked.

HERMES

Zeus decided that you meant naturist as you were brought up as an ignorant Trojan shepherd so wouldn't know the difference. So don't quibble with Zeus's final decision.

PARIS

I see..I think.

HERA

I have had enough of this! LET'S GET ON WITH IT!!

(Hera throws off her bathrobe and stands naked in front of Paris. She is quite flushed from being angry and frustrated.)

HERA

Look indeed at what you can see in front of you Paris. I will even throw in a twirl so you can examine my backside.

(Hera twirls her body around 360 degrees).

HERA

There! That's my body and now hear what I say. This is my offer to as the Goddess of Heaven. When...if you give me the apple I can promise you will become a mighty king of Greece, Asia..anywhere you like. People will sing your praises and raise monuments in your name. Fancy seeing your name in stone from here to a city in Northern Gaul that carries your name? Any questions?

(Hera moves her hands around and produces a vision. Paris sees himself riding in a chariot up a broad street with a vast army marching behind him and then another scene, sitting on a throne. The vision then fades.)

PARIS

Will the people love me?

HERA

Better than love, you will be feared! Knees will buckle at very name of Paris the Great, Emperor of the World. How about that?

PARIS

It is a powerful offer.

HERA

It's more than an offer. It will be your new reality.

PARIS

Thank you Hera. Can I ask you to step back please?

(Hera steps back. She makes a move to put her bathrobe back on but Hermes shakes his head so she lets it drop back to the ground. Athena now removes her bathrobe. She strides up to Paris. Behind her Aphrodite giggles but then stops as Hermes frowns.)

ATHENA

This is what I can promise in exchange for the golden apple. I will provide you with the brains and sword play. No man can beat Paris in a straight fight. Swish, swash, slash and cut.. and you’re the victor. Paris the greatest warrior that has ever lived.

(Athena moves her hands around and creates a vision of Paris fighting various enemies and coming out victorious each time. He is cheered by the people.)

PARIS

And the brains?

ATHENA

Any fool can win a battle but I will give you the intelligence to exploit it to your own long term advantage. So take Ares, for example. He is physically stronger than me but everytime we fight, I win. Because I fight with skill. He fights with brute strength. What do you want to have Paris? My skills or be an idiot like Ares??

HERA

Excuse me Athena! No one calls my son an idiot except me.

ATHENA

It's about time you did. Everyone thinks Ares a jackass except the blonde driftwood from Cyprus standing next to me.

HERMES

I think Zeus would prefer we didn't bad mouth each other down here. I request you disregard what you just heard then Paris.

PARIS

Of course Hermes. I will now ask Aphrodite to step forward.

(Athena steps back but makes no move to cover her body. Aphrodite walks up to Paris, treading very softly.)

APHRODITE

Paris. Can I call you Gay Paree?

PARIS

Er..of course.

APHRODITE

You are a naughty boy Gay Paree coming here without your pants on!

ATHENA

Objection! Aphrodite is trying to seduce the judge!!

APHRODITE

Who's asking you lumpy head? This is my turn to impress this young man so shove your helmet on backwards Athena!

HERA

I agree with Athena. This is a blatant attempt to swing Paris's judgement. Men or gods. So easily seduced!

HERMES

Finish your self-promotion Aphrodite.

APHRODITE

I can't promise you kingdoms or battlefield heroics Paris but I have a much better proposal. I can introduce you to the most beautiful woman in the world.

HERA

The brazen hussy is offering her body to Paris!

ATHENA

Is nothing beneath you Aphrodite!?

APHRODITE

I normally go on top Athena, not that you would know. I have a mortal woman in mind.

ATHENA

Who?

HERA

and where??

(Aphrodite conjurs a vision in front of Paris. It shows a beautiful but bored woman looking out over a palace. She is holding a child's hand and is sighing a lot.)

APHRODITE

Appealing prospect Paris cutey?

ATHENA

That woman looks familiar.

HERA

Most definitely

(Hera gives Paris another twirl whilst Athena looks at him directly. Aphrodite smiles broadly.)

PARIS

I have come to a decision.

HERA

Hurry up. We're freezing our tits off out here!!

PARIS

The Golden Apple is rewarded to...Aphrodite!

APHRODITE

YIPPEE!

(Aphrodite walks forward, embraces Paris and takes the apple.)

HERMES

Ladies, your clothes, hand crafted armour, magic girdle and everything else is with the wood nymphs behind the tree. Make sure you have all your belongings and I wish you have a pleasant journey to your next destination.

HERA

Hang on. I do recognise that woman in Aphrodite's commercial. That is Helen of Sparta. Already married to King Menelaus and they have a daughter Hermoine!

The winner is...

ATHENA

You can’t take someone that is not yours to give Aphrodite!

PARIS

But I want Helen! I am in love!!

HERA

You have a wife Paris!

PARIS

How did you know that?

HERA

You are wearing a marriage band.

APHRODITE

Paris chose me so the apple is mine too. I will get Helen for Paris.

PARIS

Can you help me to return to my home city as well.

APHRODITE

Of course but let me get dressed first and figure out how we are going to do this.

Athena and Hera stomp off

HERA

Paris you have made the wrong choice and insulted me. I will burn you and your city!

EXIT HERA

ATHENA

I offered you a warrior's life and you turned me down to run off with another man's wife. I feel insulted too. I will punish the Trojans if they support you Paris.

EXIT ATHENA

APHRODITE

Don't listen to those two. They are bad losers. And Athena still has a lumpy head.

PARIS

How will I know if Helen will like me?

APHRODITE

I have been watching Helen for a long time. I always check out other beauties to check on the competition. Helen is right there near the top, if not of course, the apex! So first Troy and then Sparta. Pack your belongings.

PARIS

What about my wife Oenone and son Corythus?

APHRODITE

Nothing to do with me. I just provide what I promised to you. Isn't Oenone a nymph, used to run around with Artemis? There are support groups for them. We must crack on with our plans to get Helen. Thanks again for the apple. What a picture Athena and Hera made with their faces when they saw I had won the Golden Apple! Priceless!!

Scene 6

(Oenone calls out Paris's name as she enters the grove where the judgement hadn't taken place. She hears a hunting party. It is Artemis and her nymphs.)

ENTER ARTEMIS

OENONE

Artemis, the great hunter. I am Oenone, I used to be one of your nymphs. Have you seen my husband? He seems to have disapeared. I am hoping he hasn't displeased anyone important.

ARTEMIS

Hello Oenone. You mean Paris? Just got a message from my brother Apollo. Olympus in an uproar. Paris gave Aphrodite the Golden Apple. He judged her the fairest goddess so his eyesight needs checking. This decision angered Athena and Hera. They want revenge.

OENONE

Have they killed Paris?

ARTEMIS

Don't think so but I have also heard that Paris is travelling to Sparta.

OENONE

Sparta? Why there??

ARTEMIS

I don't know about that but he is apparently a long lost Trojan prince.

OENONE

Is that is why he has gone to Sparta?

ARTEMIS

Could be! Oh sorry. I can't chat anymore. I need to catch up with my hunting party. I will let you know if I hear anything.

EXIT ARTEMIS

(Oenone sits down on a log. In a tree branch above her head sits a discarded straw hat and tattered cloak.)

Scene 7

(Some time later.)

(The gods are relaxing on couches. Zeus sits with Hera. Athena shares a couch with Artemis whilst Apollo and Aphrodite whisper to each other on another couch. Ganymede hovers over them with a glasses of wine.)

ZEUS

We accomplished something today. Well done Aphrodite, you now have the apple. Where are you going to keep it?

APHRODITE

In my palace. Haephastus says he will make a safe so it can be kept there.

ZEUS

Splendid. Now has everyone made up? You know how I hate unfinished business.

HERA

You kept us waiting for years for your judgement on the apple and you end up giving the decision to a miserable Trojan. Well the whole process stank from start to finish. The fix was in!

ZEUS

There was no fix. Aphrodite won fairly and er..squarely.

ATHENA

You should have seen the Aphrodite. Full on flirting with Paris and giving him a naked hug at the end.

APHRODITE

I..well I was so happy at beating Athena and Hera that I forgot to dress. It was all quite innocent.

HERA

Nothing is ever innocent with you Aphrodite. You turn brave men into mush.

APHRODITE

This is nothing but sour grapes.

APOLLO

Or rotten apples.

(Zeus laughs. Aphrodite starts to giggle. Apollo smiles. Artemis doesn't seem to understand the joke. Athena and Hera look at Aphrodite with their best carved-in-stone look)

GANYMEDE

Can I refill your glasses? Best wine as chosen by Dionysus

APOLLO

Let's party and forget about this apple business.

ARTEMIS

Can you explain your joke to me Apollo?

APOLLO

In due time sister. In due time.

ZEUS

I going to watch the Olympic Games.

HERA

Just a lot willies bouncing around the running track.

ZEUS

That's why women are not allowed to watch the games. It could arouse unconstrained passions.

HERA

If you are going to do that then we shall leave. Right Athena, Aphrodite and Artemis?

EXIT ATHENA, APHRODITE, ARTEMIS AND HERA

APOLLO

I thought you hated sports Zeus.

ZEUS

I do, just wanted to get the women away from us.

APOLLO

What's going on Zeus. Are you upto something??

ZEUS

Have you loaded the projector Ganymede?

GANYMEDE

Yes Zeus. All ready to go.

APOLLO

A movie? I thought we were going to watch the games??

ZEUS

One of the best. What is it's title again Ganymede?

GANYMEDE

The Judgement of Paris: Male adults version only

ENTER HERMES

HERMES

I was given this box by security. I think you may want to see this Zeus.

(Hermes hands the box over to Zeus. He visibly groans.)

HERMES

There is a letter too.

ZEUS

Read it out will you Ganymede?

(Hermes hands the letter to Ganymede. Zeus looks at the box.)

GANYMEDE

'Dear Dad. This is a gift from your daughter Eris. You know, the one you left in a cave? Since everyone had fun with the Apple of Discord - I guess at least Aphrodite did as she won - I thought I can't leave the boys out of this so I have some more special fruit to give away. There is no point trying to hide this from mum as I have sent Hera a letter as well telling her about my gift. All the Wworst. Disharmony and Discord, Love Eris.'

APOLLO

More mischief from Eris.

ENTER HERA, ATHENA, APHRODITE and ARTEMIS

HERA

Are you going to open the box from Eris or not Zeus? I don't fancy hanging around for another 20 years before you decide.

ZEUS

So you got Eris's letter.

HERA

I did. Why is this projector here? What's it for??

ZEUS

I was about to...never mind.

HERA

Go on and open the box or shall we invite Pandora to do it? Hermes. Go and fetch Pandora.

ZEUS

No need. There are somethings I can do myself Hera.

(Zeus opens the box. It is a silver coloured banana. There is a message inscribed on it.)

ZEUS

'The Silver Pegasus: To the Longest.

ARTEMIS

What does that mean?

HERA

Tell her later SOMEONE!

APHRODITE

Oooh! Can I be a judge? I have experience. Lumpy head hasn't any.

ATHENA

I have seen your husband's erect penis Aphrodite when he tried to take advantage of me behind the bellows.

ARTEMIS

Now I understand!

ZEUS

No. We will have to farm this decision out to another mortal. A woman this time.

HERA

As long as it isn't another of Ganymede's recommendations.

APHRODITE

Let's ask Helen to be the judge. It will give her something to do when she arrives in Troy.

(The other gods look at Aphrodite. They realise she isn't joking for once.)

APHRODITE

Why are you all looking at me? Something that I said??

HERA

Something you did.

ATHENA

The Goddess of Love has become the Goddess of War.

APHRODITE

This apple was a bit of fun wasn't it? Right?? RIGHT???

ENDS