Helen of Troy

Oi! Come back with my wife!!

“Have all the Greeks come to see me for my birthday?”
~ Helen on the Trojan war

“Why do men get so possessive? I love everyone.”
~ Helen

“Helen, I am here to seduce in the name of Love. I am also rock hard with lust too.”
~ Paris

Helen of Troy is the first woman who wrote the book about How To: Leave Your Husband and Cause a Big, Big, Fuss ^[1] It wasn't her fault that Bronze age Greek super heroes went weak at their hairy knees when they saw Helen and wanted to sack cities and kill many people in her honour. After all, doesn't every princess want to be fussed over?^[2]

Origins

Helen of Troy was abducted whilst playing volleyball for the local Spartan girls' team.

Helen had a 'downy' start in life when her mother Leda (pronounced |LEE-duh|), who happened to be a swan^[3], was 'surprised' by Zeus on one of his regular infidelity field trips. His Divine Dirty Old Manliness had no problem changing into a salacious seducing swan and left poor Leda up the feathery duff with four eggs on the way. When they hatched, out popped Helen, Clytemnestra, Castor and Polydeuces (also known as the Bollox Brothers).

Being brought up by a bird was hardly ideal for Helen. She had to fight for worms with her siblings in the bulging nest. Zeus thought this was all too much and moved the family into a rented villa under an assumed name, this to avoid Hera taking her revenge on Zeus for sleeping with other women, or birds, or basically anything with a pulse.^[4]

At school Helen developed into an eye popping, premature ejaculating source of unbridled pre-pub age male lust. She wasn't bullied at school but her brothers and sister were. Castor and Polydeuces became handy with the spiked club if anyone taunted them with abuse like 'omelette balls' or 'Your Mother had sex with starlings'. The 'Bollox' boys would reduce the taunters to mashed human pie. Only Helen's sister Clytemnestra couldn't handle the insults. She was bullied and waterboarded in her classroom and grew bitter that Helen hadn't helped.

The spreading fame of Helen The Hot Looker got the attention of a certain has-been Hellenic super hero , King Theseus of Athens. When he heard about Helen's beauty, the old goat hid near a river bank and surprised Helen whilst she was playing nude volleyball with her school mates . However before the old Athenian lecher could grab Helen, Zeus sent a forked zinger which singed Theseus's pubic hair. Taking this as a warning from Olympus, Theseus slunk away and died soon after from drinking bulls' semen to improve his fading virility.

Are you Man Enough for Helen?

'There's a man here to ask you about his trousers. He wants to know where you are hiding them Helen.'

Helen's reputation as the 'passive raver' led her to book series of 'on the couch' sessions with a succession of Greek muscle poets^[5]. She was still probably barely in womanhood at this stage but in Ancient Greece and elsewhere, the beginning of the menstrual cycle signalled the start of the marriage market.

Helen's declared availability (and that of her twin sister Clytemnestra as well) brought out every Greek hero not on a current mega killing spree (or living with his mother) turning up , uninvited outside Helen's back door. With her brothers Castor and Polydeuces acting as her guardians to prevent any funny stuff, Helen was obliged to smile and clap as love rivals tried to best each other with various dares. These included dancing with a wild lion, trying to stop a stampede of cattle whilst tied to a chair or jumping through a succession of firey hoops into a pit of sharpened sticks. Casualities began to mount up but Helen remained single.

The only one to successfully get past these tests was King Menelaus of Sparta, brother of King Agamemnon of Mycenae. Menelaus claimed Helen as the prize lotto ticket and she seems to have liked the Spartan king's overdeveloped manly charms. Helen also insisted in bringing along her mother Leda but Menelaus got round this difficulty by having her killed. He claimed later it was all a mistake as 'one swan looked very much like another' and that anyway, as a possessive,murderous and jealous man , he wasn't going to share Helen with anyone else. Agamemnon took Clytemnestra as the second prize in this marriage auction. Everyone who had survived appeared to be happy with the results.

Paris the Plaster Caster

Paris the plaster caster making a mannequin for the Trojan Fashion chain 'Hector's House.'

Life with Menelaus soon lost its lustre for Helen. A daughter Hermione was born but the couple soon preferred to keep their own friends and sleep in separate bedrooms. Menelaus's boorish behavior and staying out in the tavernas to seduce women and get loudly drunk forced Helen to concentrate on other domestic matters. One thing she didn't like was sleeping on a concrete floor as all the Spartans used to do or eat food with wooden utensils off plates made out of the hip bones of defeated enemies.

So she decided to drop the Spartan style furnishings and brought in an expert to 'smooth out her walls'. The only man she could find who was willing to work for the notorious Menelaus was a good looking lad with soft skin, bright, blue eyes and a silver tongue for flattery and licking spoons. His name was Paris the Master Plasterer and he quickly made Helen's acquaintance. It was no accident he was in Sparta as Paris had been told by the goddess Aphrodite that Helen was the hottest shag in Greece and just aching to gallivant with a willing partner. He also sold under the marble counter, extra strength condoms but that's another epic story as yet undiscovered...

Like Helen, Paris also came from a troubled family background. His parents King Priam and Queen Hecuba of Troy had abandoned him on a mountain when he was a baby after an old fool at the Oracle of Delphi predicted that any child called Paris would bring disgrace to the family. It was predicted that Paris would be the seen performing with brain-dead lovers in filthy frescoes, walking around town without any pants on and appearing in cheap drama shows. Paris's parents had been puzzled by these predictions but they were living in credulous times so it made sense. Baby Paris was to be left on a mountain to be 'exposed', i.e. left alone with just a dummy and rattle to attract any passing carnivores.

This should have been the end of Paris. He was the perfect size for a lunch snack for a bear but Paris's life was saved by a man out walking with his dog, looking out for couples having sex behind the bushes. The old voyeur took pity on Paris and adopted him. As his other trade was plastering, Paris's new foster father decided the new kid would learn that trade too.

It was a pretty steady job for Paris. Female clients lusted after him and would often jump him as he was mixing his materials on the floor. Nor was Paris's charms strictly for the ladies, a number of men also took advantage of Paris's professional (and physical) ambidexterity, though to be honest this was no big deal in ancient, pre-Christian times (except in Israel). After the fling, Paris would always present his lovers with a permanent memento of the occasion: a plaster cast of his erect penis.

The Misjudgment of Paris

Paris could have stayed in this business but the Greek gods were bored and decided to use the services of a mortal to take part in a divine beauty contest. Hera, Aphrodite and Athena dropped by his workshop to see if Paris could make a casting of his famous phallus for them. Hermes also came to make notes - officially as the guide - but also there to have a 'good leer' as well.

Paris was flattered but suspicious with his new customers from Mount Olympus. Surely Ares, Apollo and even Zeus were better hung than him, a mere mortal after all. He knew that if he outshone the Gods in this department they had a reputation of making sure you would suffer for real or imagined impudence, or as they liked to say officially, impiety.

Paris asks if any of the Goddesses know any dirty jokes before making his final decision !. Credit: History of the World as reenacted by Barbie dolls

"You can only make one for us," the Goddesses said. "Chose which of us to give us your cast." With that they stripped off and displayed their immortal charms to Paris. He rejected Hera as he wasn't into MILF and decided Athena was more of a man than he was ('those biceps!'), so he chose Aphrodite and gave her the gold cast of his manhood as promised. In exchange, the Goddess of Love told him about Helen of Sparta and that she was 'up for it' as she was married to boring he-man called Menelaus. So with her magical powers she gave Paris a galley ship of love slaves to row him all the way to Sparta and into Helen's bed.

But by taking up Aphrodite's offer, Paris had made a couple of big enemies. Hera and Athena were upset to be upstaged by 'sugar tits' Aphrodite and swore revenge: "Paris - we are going really fuck your life up good and proper !" was about the gist of it.

"..thanks for the apples Paris. You want to watch me perform my topless juggling act ?" More illustrations from an artist who cannot afford real models.

Helen and Paris Sod Off

Now that Paris had an official purpose in life - adultery with another man's wife - he decided to reveal his true identity to his family. King Priam and Queen Hecuba said they were sorry about following the oracle's advice but reasoned their guilt down by pointing out that at least Paris had learned a trade instead of lying on couches and sucking grapes. Paris said that was fine said he was going to make a business trip to Greece to check on new clients for his plastering trade.

Presenting his business card to Menelaus, Paris was surprised when the Spartan king treated him like a long lost lover. Thanks to his earlier sexual experiences, Paris was happy to go along with Menelaus but was pretty sure that Aphrodite had meant him to run off with Helen and not her husband. But it worked out well in the very short term. Menelaus gave Paris instructions where and what he wanted work to be done and left the Trojan prince to get on with it as he went off a week long hunt for wild boar with some Spartan cronies.

It was whilst Paris was busy painting pretty pictures on the wet plaster that Helen and he first met. Physically Paris was very slim and smooth, a body well buffed as he stripped off to get the wet plaster on the walls. When Paris let slip that he made plaster casts of his penis for clients, Helen asked if she could help as she wanted to provide her husband with a present when he came back. Starting out as a strictly professional commission, Helen and Paris soon got all squirmy with each other that by the end of it, nothing was actually set in plaster. Lust and plaster of Paris don't mix too well and with Menelaus due back that night, the lovers got out of Sparta and headed for the coast where Paris had anchored his ship. They were back in Troy within a week.

Priam was surprised to see Helen but Paris told him it was alright, the Spartan king wouldn't miss Helen as he was sure Menelaus's sexual tastes were more manly. Paris said Aphrodite was going turn all Greek men gay so there would be no war. Aphrodite forgot to fulfill this part of the deal, something she would do often put down to 'her silly unretentive memory.'

Menelaus Loses His Rag

Menelaus wearing the spoils of victory on his helmet:Trojan Ticklers.

Menelaus returned to Sparta to discover his palace littered with white sheets, scaffolding and ladders. There were even bags of plaster on the floor but no sign or Paris, or for that matter Helen. Hermoine was there, playing wizards and witches with her nanny but there was no sign of Helen. Finally a palace servant admitted that the Queen of Sparta had left home with the 'Trojan Tunic Snake'. Menelaus went berserk.

After breaking every plate in Sparta, Menelaus sent letters to Troy demanding Helen back and Paris's penis on a plate. He even sent a crate with postage pre-paid to ship Helen back. The Trojans said no deal. The Spartan king now wrote to his brother Agamemnon for assistance to chase after Paris and Helen. Agamemnon agreed, Paris's behavior was not just an insult to his brother but a slur on Greek men as well. Agamemnon sent ambassadors to other Greek kings outlining what had just happened and encouraged them to join the great expedition to kick shit in the faces of the treacherous Trojans. Unwilling to make Agamemnon or Menelaus enemies, the other Greek leaders like Nestor, Odysseus, Achilles, Ajax the Greater, Ajax the Squirt and others agreed to combine their armies and sail to Troy.

Before they decamped, the Greek leaders needed a name to label their conflict. Some wanted to call it 'Helen the Runaway Tart War' or 'This Is Costing The Greek Economy 100,000 drachmas' until it was finally agreed it would be 'Operation:Epic Poetry' - otherwise now known to history as the Trojan War.

I've Got the Face, You've got the Ships - Let's make plenty of epics !

Paris? Have you had your ears clipped??

The Greek fleet finally arrived on the beaches of Troy. Menelaus issued a challenge to Paris to come out fight for Helen - man-to-man. Paris refused and so the war started.

The big surprise is why it went on so long. Perhaps some of the Greek kings preferred to live on a beach than be back home with their wives and in-laws. There was plenty of fighting but nothing of note really happened. This was good news for ancient arms manufacturers and the local epic masters who were constantly updating their overblown stories.

For Helen, the joys of adultery had now faded and she would often lock Paris out the bedroom. To regain his reputation with Helen, Paris foolishly challenged Menelaus to combat. For those who been widowed, injured or seen friends die in the war, this seemed to be the sensible way to closing off the war. But Paris was no soldier. Menelaus easily bashed Paris all over the battlefield but Aphrodite wasn't yet in the mood to allow her 'champion' die quite yet. She whisked Paris off the battlefield and back to Troy, leaving Menelaus waving his sword at a dust cloud.

Paris was allowed to 'rest' and returned to his plastering career to recover his strength. Priam agreed and allowed Paris to start work in the main conference chamber. It was in there whilst he was priming the ceiling that Paris fell off the harness he had hooked up and suffocated in a mound of powder. Helen had lost her lover and would have hidden away but now Priam saw the war with the Greeks as a matter of honour. So he forced Helen to marry Paris's soap-averse brother Deiphobus. Helen was in danger from angry Trojans upset with their growing list of casualties and she needed someone well connected to protect her if the shit hit the palace fanners.^[6] It was less risky staying Troy instead of throwing a knotted bedsheet over the wall and trusting her luck with the hot tempered Menelaus or an army of pissed off Greeks. 'Perhaps if everyone could just all kill themselves..' Helen clung on to her unrealistic hopes of getting away a little longer.

Helen's Role in the Downfall of Troy

..and if you move your hand further down - you can then play with my flute too !

Helen was now becoming a bit crazy after being kept in a the same place for 10 years. Deiphobus bored her to tears (he was just like Menelaus she decided but less intelligent) so when the Greeks left behind the Wooden Horse, Helen hoped she would be able to secretly leave Troy and live elsewhere. Like Florida for example.

Whilst her husband went to the great victory banquet, Helen spent most of the evening near one of the temples where the Wooden Horse had been wheeled to. She sat in front of it and then walked round tapping it and surprised how poorly made it was. The quality of Greek goods had evidently declined since she had been away. Helen decided to call it a night and returned home to have bath. As she lay there, with a thousand soap dishes bobbing about in the water, Helen was surprised to see Deiphobus enter the bathroom but in two pieces. Behind him leapt Menelaus, sword in hand and bellowing Helen's name. Helen stood up and wiggled her breasts at her husband, it was a desperate move and she expected Menelaus would supply an upper cut sword thrust towards her neck.

In an instance, the crimson-encrusted Spartan forgot his blood lust and cast off his armour to join Helen in the tub. It shouldn't have worked but Helen still had some powerful friends in Olympus. Menelaus's bottled up anger dissolved in Helen's perfumed bath water and soon the couple were making up for a lost decade with some rigorous bedroom acrobatics in a room full of Trojan corpses.

Helen and Menelaus - Happy Ever After:)

The war was over. On the beaches, the Greeks took their share of the loot and slaves and prepared to leave. They were surprised to see Menelaus and Helen turn up late, giggling and poking each other like a pair of young lovers. Many stood around and wondered what they had been doing there for the last decade. Was that it? Helen had caused the deaths of thousands and yet she had not even a smacked bum as punishment?? Ye Gods!!

Menelaus thanked everyone for coming and offered them a great party if they were ever in the vicinity of Sparta. In the end no one visited except Odysseus and that was by accident a few years later. Odysseus would later recall that he was given a bag of crisps, a bottle of lemonade and told to never come back to Sparta. He didn't. By then the other Greek leaders were dead or in exile. Menelaus's boastful brother Agamemnon had returned to Mycenae where he was hacked to death in the shower by Clytemnestra and her lover Anchovies. She was still angry at her husband for leaving her behind with the kids and now coming back home with a Cassandra, a gloomy Trojan princess who had once worked as Priam's financial advisor^[7] Clytemnestra had ordered Cassandra killed too. The newly widowed queen never liked statistics and statisticians even less so. Clytemnestra's reputation as Helen's big bad egg of a sister was fully deserved.

Helan and Menelaus - No Happy Ever After:(

Two of the ships that failed the 'Helen test'- also known as the MilliHelen scientific principle.

The magic of Menelaus and Helen's reunion had pretty much evaporated when they got to Sparta. The main palace was a bit of wreck as Hermoine had allowed her friends to stay there for a ten year sleep over. What had started as an innocent gathering had acquired a more scandalous reputation as the young people naturally experimented with sex, drugs and Justin Bieber.

Hermoine was sent to Delphi to work on the oracle there as punishment whilst her young friends were crudely executed for their corruption. As Menelaus got in some new decorators, Helen watched in sadness as her old lover's handiwork was chipped away. There were rumours that Helen had kept hold of a plaster cast of Paris's member but this seems unlikely.

Zeus now thought it was time for Helen to leave Sparta and join him on 'upstairs' as a goddess. He forced Menelaus to consent to a divorce and under the cover story that she was going to to Mount Olympus to learn to ski, Helen left Greece for the second and last time. Aphrodite was none too pleased to see her, guessing Zeus was going to displace her as 'Sexpot of Olympus'. Unfortunately, that's just when the main legend of Helen stops so we don't know what happened next.

Later Greek writers would later come up with story that Paris didn't run away with Helen but a phantom created by Zeus that happened to look like her. The real Helen spent the Trojan war on a long Mediterranean cruise, having fun with various rich Egyptians or so the epic went. It is interesting story but doesn't say a lot about Greek or Trojan men unable to differentiate between a beautiful woman and a ghost.

References

↑ Still available from Homer & Slaves Ltd.
↑ Though I would guess not many would want that involve death, destruction and destitution for others.
↑ Well she didn't start as one but was trying hide from divine molestation that was a hazard for beautiful Greek women. The Swan disguise just went a bit too far and she became one
↑ All of Zeus's mortal girlfriends were targetted by Hera.
↑ Ancient Greek slang for dial-a-shag.
↑ Fanners as in people who cooled you down in the heat. Greeks hadn't invented non-slave labour air conditioning units then.
↑ Her predictions were 'The Greeks are coming to Troy to enjoy exciting business opportunities.' Priam thought that was good, dreaming of fleecing Greek tourists with over priced hotels, food and taxis. Of course what Cassandra meant was the Greeks were going to burn Troy to the ground after looting it and selling the population as slaves.Silly sod.