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“One man's horror is another man's fetish”
In psychology, a fetish is a peculiar delusion whereby someone imagines him or herself to be an interesting person just because they've got a piercing and wear uncomfortable clothes during sex. This is rarely, if ever, true.
Unfortunately, Christians and other God-botherers feed the fetishists' delusions by angrily denouncing them. This is a vicious cycle — the Christians reinforce their delusion that idiots playing silly games are causing the decay of society by encouraging the fetishists, and the fetishists reinforce their opinion that someone finds their tiresome antics fascinating.
The more modern and enlightened perspective on fetishes is quite simple; ask yourself the question: "Is engaging in this activity likely to result in permanent physical injury or contraction of some weird disease?" If the answer to the question is "Yes", then go ahead and enjoy yourself.
History of Fetishism
In early cavepeople days, people would do weird things that they enjoyed, and nobody would give a care. Later, people called these things that people enjoyed a "fetish" and then, because people enjoyed them, they HAD to make them wrong. It all started off with the ape men who tried touching other ape men's women. Over time and sophistication, and the added capability to think and fantasize, one of the earliest fetishes was fantasizing in bed with your partner. Crazy things can happen there, and thoughts can run wild, if you know what we mean. And for crying out loud, thinking about having sex with family is a fetish!
This fetish is really common around the world, but a lot of people, unfortunately, find this act extremely weird. But I am proud to say that this body part is what really turns a human being on. Its tender toes, soft soles, clean nails and its sweet delicious taste. Usually when a woman has big, hairy mannish clown-feet like Kate Winslet. I have also realised that there is not an act when a woman worships a male foot; but they will get down on their knees and lick the feet of a guy who's rich and famous. What's up with that?
An exceptionally rare form of foot fetish has recently been documented by sociologists at the University of South Helsinki, most popular among engineering students at the University of Colorado (citation needed) but rapidly gaining popularity as internet pornography makes images and video of the practice widely available. Known in internet jargon as "big hobbit footbang", men masturbate using two authentic plaster casts of Bigfoot (a.k.a. Sasquatch) footprints, lubricated with cherry fondu. Numerous less reputable websites' attempts to capitalize on the growing popularity of big hobbit footbang using "bogus" methods, such as non-authentic Bigfoot print plaster casts, Smallfoot print casts or chocolate fondu, have not gained a wide audience. Internationally respected big hobbit footbang film critics / producers such as Todd Palin have dismissed such fakery as "amateurish and disrepectful of bigfoot, hobbits, Jesus, and cherries."
Fetishism is said to be on the rise as humans increasingly get involved with kinky sex after regular exposure to internet sites promoting it. Also those who are of a particular religious persuasion have been known to harbour some very peculiar ways of expressing their inner Perv.
Handy Tips for dealing with a Tommy
If approached by a Tommy, the following precautions should be observed:
- Do not allow the conversation to turn to matters of sex. Normally conversations about sex can be quite interesting, but if you start talking this way with a fetishist, you'll wish you'd just kept talking about the weather. Since you can't identify a fetishist without talking about sex you're pretty much fucked anyhow. Maybe you should just destroy your genitals as a precaution.
- Don't let the conversation turn to Star Trek unless you yourself are a Trekkie. Trust me on this.
- Be careful of offers of sexual contact, even if you're hard up. Think to yourself: "Is this person so attractive that he/she would be worth wearing a blindfold, a latex kilt and knee clamps?" You'll be surprised how often the answer is "No."
- If the fetishist is also a Christian, avoid him or her at all costs. Christian fetishists are rather like self-winding watches, only in stereo, and are capable of boring you on two subjects simultaneously for hours on end.
- Even more worrying than this is the fetishist who is "not religious, but spiritual." If you find yourself in a conversation with someone like this, take the suicide pill provided for your convenience at the bottom of this document.
- DO NOT vigorously rub any part of your body. Or theirs. Or anybody's. Ever.
- Remember that sex is
notabout personal preference or new experiences. Sex is about scoring while using your dick on/in chicks and bragging about it later. A fetish experience does count as sex and time spent indulging in the fetish is like scoring with more chicks. In and out, nothing fancy.