Miranda Cosgrove's Uterus

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The host of Miranda Cosgrove's Uterus

Miranda Cosgrove's Uterus is a unique and diverse ecosystem existing inside half-Asian American actress Miranda Cosgrove. In addition to the common uterine fauna of fetuses and various species of fungi and bacteria, Miranda Cosgrove's uterus is also home to newts, eels, and a few newt-eel hybrids.

Fauna of Miranda Cosgrove's uterus[edit]

A typical womb newt

Located in Miranda Cosgrove's abdominal cavity, Miranda Cosgrove's uterus is one the the best-known wombs today, rivaled in notoriety only by Kim Kardashian's uterus and Kate Middleton's uterus. Unlike most other notable wombs, Miranda Cosgrove's uterus is chiefly famous for its unique and exotic fauna. It was declared a national wildlife sanctuary in 2012.

The dominant species in Miranda Cosgrove's uterus is the sentient womb-newt, (Notophthalmus uterius)). Although there have been reports of newts living in other human uteruses, Miranda Cosgrove's uterus has a particularly high newt population density, and includes many famous newts, such as Newtis Newtfield and Newt Gingrich. There is a large population of womb eels (Anguilla fallopius), but this species seems to exist primarily in both of Miranda Cosgrove's Fallopian tubes, and may only be a transient in her uterus proper. A few eel-newt hybrids have been reported in Miranda Cosgrove's uterus, where their ranges overlap near Miranda Cosgrove's Fallopian tubes. There have also been reports of fetuses (Homo sapiens sapiens) in Miranda Cosgrove's uterus, but none of these have been substantiated.

Newt-eel conflict[edit]

The Newts and eels of Miranda Cosgrove's uterus have been at war since the eels entered Miranda Cosgrove uterus sometime in the summer of 2011. Although the newts control most of Miranda Cosgrove's uterus proper, the newts seem to be unable to expel the eels from Miranda Cosgrove's Fallopian tubes. Some biologists have asserted that the newts may be too large to comfortably navigate the more cramped environment of Miranda Cosgrove's Fallopian tubes.

In 2012, Miranda Cosgrove took legal action against the eels in her Fallopian tubes and uterus, asserting that they were trespassing there, and demanded an eviction. However, the court found, in the case of Cosgrove v Eelbert et al., that the right to an abortion only covered the eviction of as-yet-nonexistent entities. The eels, being fully formed animals, had a right to not be convicted, unlike, "blobs of cells, such fetuses and the like."

Fallopian-tube eating[edit]


In June 2013, the eels, unaware of what to eat in there and starving for around two years, started eating away at the tissue within Miranda's Fallopian tubes. Her doctor, Zach Blanchard, pronounced her Fallopian tubes "thin as paper" at a veterinarian's office in L.A. called Healthy Hounds. (Real hospitals do not accept Miranda, as she had newts in her uterus.)

Grand Theft Auto: Miranda Cosgrove's Uterus[edit]

A typical womb eel

Cosgrove's attempt to evict her womb-eels raised the newt-eel conflict to national prominence. To cash in on this, Cosgrove teamed up with Rockstar Games to produce Grand Theft Auto: Miranda Cosgrove's Uterus. Played from the perspective of a gangster womb-eel living in the ghettos of Miranda Cosgrove's left Fallopian tube, this installment of the Grand Theft Auto series was somewhat controversial due to its unique environment.

The world map was created by cat-scans, X-rays, and ultrasounds of Miranda Cosgrove's reproductive system, making it the most realistic world map yet created in the GTA series. However, the relatively small world size disappointed many loyal fans of the franchise. Additionally, combat was heavily skewed toward melee attacks, and the title was heavily criticized for the lack of guns. However, Rockstar asserted that the game was designed to mimic the actual gangland warfare going on in Miranda's Cosgrove's uterus. Setting of most kinds of firearms, or worse, and explosives, inside a uterus could kill the host animal, resulting in the total destruction of the habitat. Rockstar compared using a shotgun in Miranda Cosgrove's uterus to "The Crips going nuclear on the Bloods."

World map of GTF:Miranda Cosgrove's Uterus

The lack of automobiles was also criticized, despite the extended line of bicycles available in the game. However, Rockstar pointed out that the limited supply of oxygen in Miranda Cosgrove's uterus made external combustion engines impractical. Overall, the game sold moderately well, with the sales skewed to older players who desired greater realism, and people who were curious as to what the inside of Miranda Cosgrove uterus looked like.

In addition to the gameplay aspects, the title also faced criticism for its supposed political bias. Many in the newt community were unhappy with the portrayal of newt society in Miranda Cosgrove's uterus, asserting that had a pro-eel bias. The newts objected to the portrayal of the newt government being racist overlords of all as Miranda Cosgrove's reproductive system, not unlike the apartheid government of South Africa. In fact, newt advocates asserted, Miranda Cosgrove's Fallopian tubes are under the control of eels, and the newts are in no way responsible for the societal ills there. Although the newts do admit to restricting access through the uterus from each Fallopian tube to the other or Miranda Cosgrove's cervix, they assert that this is only a temporary wartime measure.

Eel advocates, on the other hand, point to Miranda Cosgrove's legal attempt to evict her womb eels in 2012, which they assert was orchestrated by the Newt government of Miranda Cosgrove's uterus. They assert that the newts want to dominate all of Miranda Cosgrove's reproductive system, and have no intention of peacefully coexisting. Some have even asserted that the actions of the newts rose to the level of ethnic cleansing.

2013 peace accords[edit]

The controversy surrounding GTA:Miranda Cosgrove's Uterus raised the Newt-Eel conflict to international prominence. The newt government increasingly came under criticism from other nations, and faced the risk economic blockades, if not regime change. Cosgrove pressured the newt government in her uterus to avoid escalating the conflict, as she viewed the possibility of international peace-keeping troops entering her uterus as "extremely awkward, and probably physically uncomfortable." In early 2013, representatives from both the newt and eel communities agreed to UN-negotiated peace terms. The eels received the right of passage from the Fallopian tubes to the cervix, while the newts were granted all territory inside Miranda Cosgrove's uterus proper. While radically anti-newt eel separatists still control part of Miranda Cosgrove's left Fallopian tube, many political analysts believe that the peace between and the womb newts and womb eels can endure.

See also[edit]