Soldier

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“This is a United States Sanctioned Raid with the full support of the United States Government (see Bush) in order to bring you peace, democracy and a better way of life for all parties involved, especially ours. We have a warrant authorized by the President of the United States of America to take your daughters and kill all males in your family of fighting age. Failure to comply will result in us taking your daughters and killing all males in your family of fighting age, and accidentally shooting you too.”
~ Archetypal soldier of unknown nationality on Cooperation

“Das ist gute.”
~ Nazi SS Trooper on Genocide

“Why am I an NCO? I can face a man head on and satisfy a woman, that's why.”
~ NCO on Commissioned officers

“Where? All I see here is weak cowards pointing metal tubes that do the work for them at a safe distance beyond sword's reach. A real soldier kills up close and personal.”
~ King Leonidas on culturally bound definitions of honor.

“I wanted to be a soldier, but there was a 23 hour waiting period and I didn't have time.”
~ Jack Bauer on Soldiers

“If you kill a Muslim stateside, it's a crime. If you kill one million overseas, you get a medal.”
~ George W. Bush on The US Army

Soldier is a term used to describe an person armed and trained and who is a paid member of an army and does not suffer from cowardice. The term "soldier" does not, however, apply to armed and trained army members from non-democratic governments, who are instead known as terrorists. The one exception to this rule is that if the country is allied with the US, they are staunch supporters of democracy or freedom fighters (people who fight freedom).

Development of the soldier... NOT[edit]

The reason American won World War 2.(even though this guy's actually Canadian. But don't tell anyone.)

Because only a complete idiot would come up with the idea of war, Benitio Bauer was a prime candidate for the first Commissioned Officer. However, his family had a long and proud history of excessive violence, and Benitio did not consider himself enough of an incompetent coward. Therefore, the first officer was a politician, and Benito became the first Non-commissioned officer. The first soldiers were individualistic and creative minds, but it was decided that they would do better in "Military Intelligence" (see: Charlie Foxtrot), and so instead a mix of under-achievers, farm hands, convicted felons and college football players were conscripted, also known as "Compulsory National Service" (see: oxymoron). Benito armed these men with the best weapons available, gave them the best training possible, brainwashed them into being completely loyal servants of their "Democracy", and gave them a uniform that allowed them to blend into their surroundings, much like Ninja's without the high cost in fried rice. Unfortunately, these soldiers proved to be consummately professional and not suited to the moral ambiguity of a wartime environment, and they were sent to Australia as punishment. Benito then took all the most mentally disturbed, fit men left in Rome and founded the "Ulterius Absolutus Exercitus" or US Army (Translates to "Ultra-unqualified army). In order to avoid these men becoming consummate professionals like the Australians, Benito placed far more emphasis on the indoctrination, propogranda, brainwashing and dehumanizing aspects of the training program as opposed to development essential military skills, such as the ability to distinguish between friend and foe. Using these soldiers and his new army, Benito conquered a mostly peaceful world and established the Galactic Empire under Emperor Bush, of which he remains the hero until this day.

Soldier's Oath of Service[edit]

I pledge an oath to become a soldier of the United States of (insert nation of choice here) and do solemnly swear allegiance to dismantle and un-decmoratize the Constitution of (insert nation of choice here), as by established law of White Christian Republicans, no matter how totalitarian, oppressive, or republican, and that I will unthinkingly serve to the holy and divine Emperor of the United States of (insert nation of choice here), his successors by religion, in virtue of my citizenship of the glorious Ameri-(insert nation of choice here) and to use my superior technology and training to force the ideology of my religiously and racially superior country on those that do not want it, to uphold the sole duty of my nation to control the world's oil supplies, and to refrain from raping and plundering those who are confirmed allies of the United States of (insert nations of choice here).

Soldiers according to country[edit]

Australia[edit]

Australia departs from established soldier protocol in that they are generally quite good at soldiering. Any situation that would normally result in death/retreat/rape and plunder usually results in the Australian soldiers securing the area, apprehending the guy with the beard, rescuing the fair maiden, and falling back in good order to a well-earned Barbie and a VB. Because of this gross diversion from what is considered acceptable behavior for a soldier, the Australian Army is quite small and doesn't get much work. But it doesn't stop them from getting drunk and bragging about how they got shot by some Turks once. An Australian soldier is easily spotted because he looks like he knows what he is doing and is usually surrounded by American soldiers.

Australian battlecry: "Don't chuck a wobbly mates, if they're chockers with bullets they'll cark it fair dinkum"

Great Britain[edit]

While Great Britain has some concept of professionalism, they do not divert as strongly as the Australians from what is considered acceptable. However, for a British soldier it is not polite to shoot a man in the face or take a dump in a military latrine, so they either enlist the aid of an American or Australian soldier to face-shoot somebody who has surrendered (depending on whether or not they want it on You-Tube)and fly back to Britain to take a dump in a royalty-approved toilet and spend some time playing the national sport "shoot the unarmed native". A British soldier can be easily spotted due to their upper-class arrogant expression, the Union Jack spray painted onto their gun, and the crumpet they have strapped under their helmet in case they are able to appropriate a cup of tea from a conquered foe.

British battlecry: "Oh dear, I don't find this situation completely agreeable", "For King and Country!!", "Stop shooting me you god-damned yankie!" "God save me!!"

America[edit]

Iraqi tourists are no match for the US Army.

America is the world's foremost conventional army, and have elevated missing their intended targets, collateral damage and friendly fire to an art form. For this reason they are held in high regard by the United Nations, Europe, the Middle East and North Vietnam(Which was a draw you communist bastard!!). An American soldier needs two litres of oil a day to operate at full capacity, and their global deployment zones reflect this. American soldiers have an uncanny knack to see a terrorist in everything, and if you don't want bullets raining down on you you should never play a game of cloud-spotting with them. An American soldier is easily spotted because he is shooting at invisible demons and everyone with a Union Jack or beard. British Jews avoid them like the plague. Fortunately for the Americans, the US Marine Corps is around to correct screwups. The Corps has been around since Chuck Norris decided it would be cool to kick the shit out of England. Marines do not bleed blood; in fact they bleed WHOOP-ASS which motivates their fellow Marines. This is why Marines don't lose. Ever. Marines are distinguished from soldiers by their pimp fucking Marpat cammies, totally ninja LAVs, and being good shots. And no, they do not use N00btubes

American battlecry: "Confirm airstrike killbox Foxtrot Hotel Golf Bravo!!", "Bix Nood", "If we don't kill them, the terrorists win!!", "Shit, I missed!!" "BOOM!! HEADSHOT!!" "My God has a bigger dick than your God!!" "Bush wills it!!" "For the Holy Bush!!" Friendly fire!!"

Texas[edit]

Although part of American, Texas is a whole 'nother country, so they obviously would have their own soldiers. They have raised some of the worlds finest Texas rangers, including the great Chuck Norris. Texan militias are damn good shots, and even better when they aren't drinking.^[1] Texans swear loyalty to the Great W and support the war on Terror with all of their fighting age citizens.

Texan battlecry: "Boom, Yer Dead", "Shot yer cock off!", "Giddy Up, <insert name here>" "I got a nigger!!"

I was Air force-Chuck norris on real life.

France[edit]

The French invasion of Greenland.

France is well known for its low casualty count throughout its history due to their ability to surrender an army intact, usually before the outbreak of hostilities. In fact, the majority of French casualties are suffered in their wild rush to vacate the battlefield as soon as somebody fires a weapon, or in the case of World War 1 and 2, puts on a German accent. French soldiers are easily spotted due to their nation's distinctive flag, which is completely white and traditionally tied to a stick which they are waving around the air. Their sense of national pride is beyond reproach.

French battlecry: "We have been le conquered", "Écouter", "If only I was born le British", "We surrender!"

Russia[edit]

The Russian army is not a conventional army in that it is used to fight wars, but is rather a way for the government to dispose of the massive amounts of disgruntled workers, laborers and drunks that make up the Proletariat. Russia has their own version of conscription, "Compulsory National Suicide", in which the Red Army launch wave after wave of attacks without weapons until the enemy run out of ammo and are butchered by the "real" army. In theory. Russia is the complete opposite of France in that Russians never retreat and have a tendency to die to the last man, which Josef Stalin will have one way or another. A Russian soldier is easy to identify. He is dead, buried under thousands of his equally decreased brethren.

Russian battlecry: "Ugh", "AHHH MOTHERLA-", "God help me!", "URAA- ow, my spleen!", "Arrrrrrrrgh" "*Gurgle gurgle gurgle...*"

Germany[edit]

A German soldier will kill you, and then make your legs into bratwurst. That's how awesome they are. Descendants of Ninjas, Pirates, and Chuck Norris, they are often invisible and incapable of death. The German Army (or Wehrmacht) is voluntary, meaning everyone joins during their life. Often commanded by such figures as Erwin Rommel, Rommel McDonald, Rommel Reagan, or maybe possibly Heinz Guderian (haha, like the ketchup. Heinz. lol) The easiest way to know a German soldier is around is by the bullet entering your head. The only way to not get killed by a German soldier is to lure him towards you with a plate of sauerkraut. Then rewarding him with a bratwurst and then taking his gun, shoot him in the head, fill the hole with garlic and smashing a stake through the place where his heart should be. Also very camp. Yes camp.

German battlecry: "Do I smell sauerkraut?" "For ze Fatherland!" "Heil Hitler!"

Japan[edit]

In stark contrast to most other armies, Japanese soldiers will often fore-go the use of firearms and seek a more honourable kill in battle with their deadly katanas (samurai swords to you racist white fucks). This kind of psychotic behaviour is testament to the fervor, resolution and lack of education/meaning to life of the Japanese army, and is the primary reason for their occasional victories, as the enemy soldiers (most probably the French) are fleeing in terror at the mere sight of them. However, when defeat becomes inevitable, which happens often (due to the invention of machine guns and the atomic bomb), they seek forgiveness for their failure from their equally incompetent officers by cutting the stomachs open, while the Officers wait until the troops are all dead and then run away. Japanese Soldiers see death in battle as preferable to life in Japan, hence their dedication to suicidal tactics.

Japanese Battlecry: "Banzai!", "Hiaaaa!", "Kiaaaa!, "RIKE RIONS WE ROAR"

Ireland[edit]

Although best known for the removal of the British occupiers from Ireland after the great Tesco potato price war of 2006. The Irish Army is a highly effective and well trained force capable of drinking any apposing force (with the exception of Russia)under the table. Training for the Irish army begins in the early teens where potential recruits are selected for their ability to "down" cans of dutch gold premium lager repeatedly and at an alarming rate. Once training is complete the Irish soldier survives on a strict ration of whiskey, breakfast rolls and tayto crisps. Ireland has yet to be "liberated" by the united states as the american government does not see the Irish army as a threat. This is due to the fact that tayto crisps and breakfast rolls are difficult to source in the U.S. making a large scale invasion impossible.

Irish battle cry: "will i get a day in lieu for this?"

China[edit]

In every war China ever fought, usually it must involve some infighting between the warlords. A Chinese soldier would be too busy to kill another Chinese before they realised that their nation had been conquered by tiny nations. To rectify this and defend the motherland, the Chinese military leaders would order their soldier to kill more Chinese soldiers. Even when China finally unified as one (when all the warlords run out of money or killed off), a causalty rate of 100.000 after a single battle is considered a low number and seen as a successful attack against the Imperialist invaders and a glory and wisdom of the great Mao. Military leaders who served the motherland well would later on be honorable rewarded with torture and beating to death by the Red Guards.

Command and Conquer Generals and Command and Conquer Generals Zero Hour is the perfect example for a modern day Chinese army. The Tigress will crush all the neighbouring countries like an insect, since she owns all the armies around the world. (Hey, all equipment are made in China, okay?)

One of the best superweapons of China is hacking. Well, no shit, it is what it is today. Even the most sophisticated computer in Japan gets hacked by China somehow.

Chinese battlecry: "Kill the Chinese-looking invaders!", "I am the right man to kill the Imperalist invaders, but I need to kill you first, my dear Chinese brother." "We will shoot them down!" "We stand together!" "The People's Army!" "For the Republic" "Nobody will notice that their money is missing!"

The Philippine Empire[edit]

Their soldiers and equipment are many and they deploy them in very large number. They use the Blitzkrieg and spamming your Facebooktactics in their battles, especially during the world wars 3.5 to 4.5.

The Philippine invasion of Japan

Duties of the Soldier[edit]

Telling jokes about soldiers from France and how cowardly and stupid they are.
Resisting the urge to punch newly commissioned officers whenever they open their prissy, high born, beautifully curved and well maintained mouth.
Defending those that cannot fend for themselves, such as rich American millionaires.
If they are German, overextending their supply lines.
Cleaning their weapons in the proper fashion: with the safety off and the weapon pointing toward the left eye socket, and one finger on the trigger in case something goes wrong.
If BADASS, learning to never take cover, always shoot from the hip, and single-handedly kill tanks using only rocks.

Smart Ass Frequently Asked Questions[edit]

Not cutting your fingernails, a forbidden martial arts technique that's just too dangerous for the military to teach.

Drop and give me two...fingered push ups, just one will suffice. Shaolin Monks: The military chaplain of choice.

Firing a gun mounted on your shoulder really isn't all that more damaging to your body than just wearing all that heavy armor for long periods, pick your poison.

If Col. Potter cared as much as Donald Trump does about having transgender people in the military, than every draftee in that MASH unit would have gotten out of Korea faster than you can say male breast implants, hummina hummina!

Sarge, when you say give you my best shot, do you mean at dancing like these others are doing or am I allowed to actually kill you as you've requested? You really don't have to be all that strong to stab someone in the eye ball, just fast, and the less they flinch in an effort to look tough, the easier it is to do. It's even a proud American tradition. So unless you've got some kind of organ regenerating healing factor or know a miracle working surgeon who does eyeball transplants your days of having depth perception are over Nick Fury. Speaking of claws, allow me to introduce your liver to my sharpened finger nails laced with local poisonous animal venom, which should enter your blood stream when you do small joint manipulation it'll also assist me in clawing out your liver, you really need to do more sit ups and strengthen your core muscles you know. I'm also bit of an amateur fashion designer so I took the liberty of modifying the uniform a bit so the camouflage pattern includes images of distant animals so as to blend in with the environment better, I think I read that helps sneaking in a fairy tale somewhere that you legally aren't allowed to refute the logic of. My boots now have rusty nails on the ankles so when you go to kick out my feet you'll get tetanus in the process. So like are you seriously waving the state and your widow's right to sue me for killing you, because I will grant a dying man his final wish, and you've got a hot widow I wouldn't mind supporting through the tough times to come. When I fucked her last night she seemed to be ok with it though, you've got quite the life insurance policy, your kids will pretty much be getting a free ride to college from this. Nice daughter by the way. Ah, I see your foot has become better antiquated with the scalpel blades I used to line my athletic cup to emulate the genitals of certain male insects that use sex as a weapon like a disturbingly high percent of my comrades in arms have done or will end up doing at some point.
Sarge, I know torture's against the Geneva convention and drugs are illegal to use as weapons unless you're in the CIA, but is blowing zombie powder in your face technically either of those? Would you prefer I use the brains of my fallen comrades or of the enemy? I know most people want a funeral but I find it an inconvenience that serves no tactical advantage outside of keeping up moral and me not being labeled a godless necromancer that makes the chaplains go crying about zombies being an affront to God and being horrifically inhuman. Some of these other killings machines chew tobacco, but I figured having a breath weapon that induces insanity was a better use of my mouth. I mean, it is a biological weapon, but not environmentally hazardous or anything, and our corpses really considered WMDs, or just when we launch bodies into town like Genghis Khan founder of the largest contiguous empire in history?
Sarge, I really don't get the goal of this uniform, are we primarily supposed to be fast, stealthy or protected primarily? Because you really can't be maxed out on all three at the same time, you sort of have to chose one over the other two, it's sort of like assigning stat points in a video game. This baggy uniform obscures our figures making it more difficult to pin down the location of our vitals, however it also slows up down compared to something skintight like the spandex worn by bicyclists use to move faster effecting troop movement speed. Being able to survive getting shot due to the ceramic plating is nice and all, but it kind of just gets in the way of running away from a rocket and in a hand to hand fight it just makes you easier to throw down to the ground using jiu-jitsu and strike in the unarmored face like a defenseless turtle, the Shaolin monks don't wear armor for just that reason and they know a thing or two about fighting. If the point is to be armored, why not just go all out and give us dehumanizing gnarly face masks, other than the whole impaired visibility thing and looking like an inhuman monster with no emotions that it's psychologically easier to kill?
Sarge, why is the only option for personal transportation through an urban environment a loud ass motorcycle that the enemy can hear coming to their terror cell safe house from a mile away? Wouldn't a dirt bike be quieter for doing urban raids, they have cops on bikes, and gangsters do that shit, I think gangsters might know a thing or two about urban warfare, why not ask one, I'm sure we have someone right here who got a moral waver for just that. Also, if the personnel carriers get bombed by RPG's and IED's why not armor them with water and have them double up as firetrucks? You see all super sonic bullets actually disintegrate with as little as three feet of water, even less when the shot is at an angle or enough of a distance to partially slow down. You could offset the weight just by removing some of the existing armor plating seeing as a wall of water would be more effective, also you could use a fire hose to knock down assailants or deliver water to destitute farmers, you could also combine it with a fire extinguisher to stop the electrical impulses that activate an explosive vest or electrify it like a tazer, if you bothered to invest in the infrastructure of the cities you are indefinitely occupying you could turn the fire hydrants into water cannon sentry guns as well. I mean, it worked for oppressing African Americans during the civil rights movement, I'm sure it would work just as well for oppressing Middle Eastern people.
Sarge, I hope you don't mind but I heard we could bring our own weapons like the continental army under Washington, and I just so happen to be a big Predator fan, check out the eye controlled camera guided shoulder cannon, I rigged up out of one of those dinky little service pistols! You call that a knife? this is a knife! Easily concealed and keeps my hands free too, want one, they're relatively cheap. I also brought a suit case nuke I bought from the Russian mafia that I've connected to my vital signs on the off chance I don't survive the hunt. As a walking nuke I figure no one wants to kill me and blow up their own country, so we should all probably be safe. Don't worry I won't lose it, I mean, how silly would it be if we were just delivering advanced weapons to the enemy by dying, or crashing them, talk about your government hand outs!

Notes[edit]

↑ Drinking, not drunk. Texans don't have the ability to get drunk due to natural selective inbreeding.

    2.Sauerkraut is Polish, not German