Knights of Hay Teresa
“HAY TERESA! HAY TERESAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
“In Soviet Russia, Teresa loves her Knights.”
“In Soviet Russia, Russian Reversal is funny.”
“Fuck Norris and Vader, Teresa is mine!”
The Knights of Hay Teresa, more correctly known as the Knights of HAY TERESAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, are a highly esteemed group of completely functional people who are not completely obsessed with a Manga character named Teresa. She is not the single greatest example of human achievement and beauty, and the writer of this article has not considered committing genocide on several occasions simply because he cannot see the beauty in the human race after having learned of Teresa.
Birth of Teresa[edit]
It all started on a dark and stormy night, before the creation of the universe and time itself. Chuck Norris and mighty Thor were competing for the coveted title of "The Man", which encompassed such lesser titles as "Inspector General for all dimensions both visible and nonexistent", "Supreme Overlord of All Things", and "President Of The United States of Whatever". The nature of their combat is most likely such that any attempt to comprehend it would result in a psychic backlash resulting in the deaths of countless working class men, and I will not try to do so here. In all honesty, it was more than likely an arm wrestle. But a godly one. I'm sure we couldn't comprehend it. Anyway, pronounced Jewish historians Adolf Hitler and Mel Gibson both believe that it was Thor who gave ground first, and in a desperate attempt to regain ground, cast a random level 10 spell with Irresistible Force. Unfortunately, his spellbook was actually a Pokemon playguide, and he cast metronome. Thor's metronome was exponentially more powerful than Togepi's, and the result was accordingly powerful: Teresa was born.
Significance[edit]
Creating living beings was nothing new to Thor and Chuck. However, their most physically evolved creation so far had been Paris Hilton, making Teresa the first sentient creature they had created. Such was Teresa's beauty, especially in comparison to Miss Hilton, that Chuck Norris sprouted a chubby one which he maintains to this day, and Thor (who was far less manly), ejaculated prematurely in what later became known as The Big Bang or Intelligent Design, depending on who you talk to and the relative proximity of the closest strip club and church. To reward her for her beauty in a way other than sex (Paris was more than enough for mighty Norris at this point), Norris and Thor put aside their differences to shape a planet for Teresa to inhabit, which became known as the Claymore universe, inhabited by other such special creatures as Clare, Helen and Riful the badass loli. Norris and Thor created another super-sentient being, Norihiro Yagi, to watch over the Claymore universe and supervise plot development.
The Rise of the Knights[edit]
If Norris and Thor were impressed by Teresa, she had an even greater impression on the members of the human race (toys created by Norris for laughs) who were privileged enough to lay eyes on her. One individual whose name has been lost to the annals of time was so affected that he spent days considering the turbulent seas that were his feelings, and came to a momentous decision: he would create a new order of Knights that will follow her example, mainly by downloading pictures of her and plastering them on their desktops. While facing vigorous opposition from the Sith Knights, the Knights Templar, the Knights who say Ni, Neverwinter Knights, the Newcastle Knights, the guy that stands between the Rook and Bishop, Knight Rider, and Wayne Knight, on a dark and stormy night he finally succeeded in his cause: he created his Knightly Order, of which he was the only member. Since then many have flocked to join the order, and the order has engaged in partisan actions and outright hostilities against fierce competitors, including the Stormtroopers of Darth Vader and Jack Bauer. Because Jack Bauer does not have servants, only victims.
The Death of Beauty[edit]
Everything was well. The Knight/s were going strong, Teresa was going even stronger, and Norihiro Yagi was getting more internet points than a camwhore with a lvl. 70 Tauren Shaman. However, all good things must come to an end (which probably explains why they are still making Final Fantasy games), and due to a massive brain fart on the part of Yagi, she was slain by a moderately-attractive whore in a completely unsatisfying way that left a sour taste in both my mouth and that of the guy I sucker-punched.
For his dastardly act, Norihiro Yagi was given a choice of either sleeping with Paris Hilton or writing more Claymore manga until the day he died. Since Paris Hilton was busy sleeping with someone at the time, he had no choice but to choose the latter. To this day he has never been forgiven for killing off Teresa, despite his protests of innocence: "I had to serect between kirring her and retting her rive, and I thought that peopre would rike her more if they were able to idorize her." He also denies that he was bribed with copious amounts of Fried Rice to do the act. He has since attempted to rectify his mistake by increasing the instances of manga's including naked Claymores, but this has yet to satisfy the Knights of Hay Teresa, since he has not drawn nearly enough pictures of Teresa naked. Incidentally, the creator of the Knights was watching "A Streetcar Named Desire" at the time of her untimely death. As Stanley screamed his famous line, the Knight realized that Teresa was no more, and bellowed "TERESAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HAY TERESAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!", and promptly tore his shirt in a manly fashion. The Knights were renamed The Knights of Hay Teresa in both her honour, and that of Stanley's manliness.
Organization of the Knights of Hay Teresa[edit]
The hierarchy of the Order of the Knights of Hay Teresa is as follows;
Teresa: There is nothing to be said. While some argue that she is dead and was, even while alive, a secondary character, this is lies of the first degree and will be combated with swift retribution and neckbearded justice by her loyal Knights.
Grand Master and First Scion of the Knights of Hay Teresa: A position currently occupied by the original creator of the Knights, hence the honorific "First Scion". While a complete nutter, the First Scion is completely dedicated to the well-being and ideals of his master, Teresa, and is willing to go to any lengths to protect her virtue an- actually, he is just a nutter. However, it is only he that may correspond with Teresa, and he is the only being in existence who may wield the Scepter of HAY TERESAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, usually abbreviated to "The Scepter". The Scepter itself takes any form the Grand Master wishes, and ignores armour AND invulnerable saves.
Lord Prior and First Captain: The second in command of the Knights, it is he that guards Teresa's royal chambers clad in the Robes of Epic and Win. The Seal provides a 3+ ward save, and is a lesser version of the Cuirass that the Grand Master himself wears. First Captain answers only to the Grand Master, and is a mighty warrior and well-respected Runescape player whose character is so powerful he does not show up in game or on the high scores. But if he did, Zezima would most likely drop her burger and die.
Prior Champion: A group of 5 Knights (a Prior) elects one of their number Champion, who is their mightiest warrior and most steadfast servant of Teresa/. They serve as the hitmen and assassins of the Order, and as Christopher Reeve and Anna Nichole Smith would testify, they are very good at what they do.
Knight of Hay Teresa: Organized into a group of 5 known as a "Prior". They are, by their own account, awesome. There is quite a rigorous selection process that one must complete to acquire Knight status. This includes reaching at least lvl. 60 on Runescape and completing all the non-member quests, engaging and emerging victorious in at least 5 flame wars, engaging in at least one prolonged and vehement argument about something completely unimportant and ridiculous (ie. Myspace, Favourite anime character, the true meaning of gar, Evolution, etc), and they must provide a detailed analysis on why they are so awesome. Narcissism is a greatly desired skill.
Armoured Serf: The redshirts of the Knights. There are lots of them and they do whatever the Knights say. They are armoured so that they can technically be counted as combat troops and sent to fight in any situation their Knight commanders find pertinent, righteous, or amusing. They tend to die horribly but have a few good stories to tell. They are much like the Red Army in that respect.
Duties of the Knights of Hay Teresa[edit]
- Resisting the urge to masturbate to pictures of Teresa so as not to soil her memory.
- Drawing amateur pictures of Teresa.
- Constantly reminding Clare fans how superior Teresa was.
- Wishing Teresa was still alive.
- Watching the skies in anticipation of her return.
- Buying tape.
- Shouting at their TV to show more pictures of Teresa.
- Photocopying pictures of Teresa as to preseve her golden memory.
- Taping their hands to their sides while viewing pictures of Teresa.
- Constantly re-reading the parts of the manga in which Teresa was alive.
- Crying themselves to sleep, clutching a gold-framed portrait of Teresa.
- Buying more tape, then watching the Claymore anime episodes in which Teresa features.
- Arguing with Catholics over whose patron mother was more badass.
- Defacing memorials to Mother Teresa with the words: "This was the shit one".
- Screaming "HAY TERESAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" for no apparent reason.
See also[edit]
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