Ovum
Mmm, I love a good ovum. If you ask me it's the sexiest part of a woman's body.
The other day I was at the pub with my mates - no wait, it wasn't a pub it was a swimming pool - and we were discussing what our favourite part of a woman's body is. Gary said the tits. "You are a tit," I replied. Mike said the ass. "You are an ass," I quipped. Liam said the wrists. "Ok, you're just a fucking freak," I told him. "Well what about you?" they asked. "Isn't it obvious?" I replied. "It's the ovum."
Basic information on the ovum
The ovum is a cell that is generally found in a lady's inside bits. They come out once a month, kind of like werewolves, only they come out of the woman's gonads and aren't hairy. But apart from that they're basically werewolves. They hang around in the fallopian tubes for a while, floating in the saline fluids and waiting for some stud to come along and give them some hot loving. If this doesn't happen in time, the poor ovum gets flushed out and dies a bloody death. How could you let this happen ladies? That's why I've made it my life goal save as many ovums as possible, which I achieve by impregnating as many females as possible.
Once fertilised the ovum can avoid being callously murdered, and with the power of my mighty sperm it can even grow into a brand new human being. At this point, I tend to conveniently lose the girl's number and also change all of my locks. Babies just aren't sexy. Not like ovums are.
Ovums are sexy
Like I said, I just really love a good ovum. The ovum is the largest cell in any human being, and can even be seen with the naked eye. Seriously, you don't need a microscope or anything. All you need is an internet provider, a box of tissues and the knowledge of where to look.
They're so big and round and soft. The bigger the better, in my opinion. My fantasy is to press my face into an enormous one and suffocate myself. I met this girl in a bar once - well actually it wasn't a bar, it was a quarry - and she had the biggest ovum I've ever seen. Seriously, it was at least the size of my head. I took her home and gave her the best night of both our lives. I spread my fertiliser all over that massive egg and the bitch loved it. I passed her in the street the other day, and I had to hide behind an old man so she didn't see me. She had her newborn baby with her and was all glowing and happy. She was slim again too, now that the pregnancy was over, and I just didn't fancy her anymore, not without that giant gamete throbbing in her vagina. What a way to spoil a good figure.
Getting down and dirty with a big juicy ovum
Sometimes I wish I could just forego the lady and spend some alone time with the ovum; get three or four massive ones in a bed together, with me in between them wearing nothing but my Mexican wrestler mask. I'd dim the lights down low and put some Nick Cave on. Then I'd start licking those sweet eggs up and down and massaging them roughly with my strong man-hands. Then I'd penetrate them, breaking the corona with my hard willy, crumbling through it like a spoon through a meringue, like a sperm desperate for life. The yolk would pour out all over me, and I'd lap it up with my tongue and rub it into my skin. I'd inseminate the egg through the hole I'd made, crying out in agonising pleasure as I did. Then I'd lie down and fall asleep, utterly content. Then a few hours later I'd wake up and have pizza.
Ovums in other maminals
Other animals have ovums too, but it's probably just the mammals. I'm not too interested in them to be quite honest. Frankly I find the idea of animal reproduction disgusting. I'm not entirely sure what they have them for, as you're not allowed to have sex with animals anyway. Maybe they're for eating or something.
I saw some bears at the zoo recently - actually it wasn't a zoo, it was a cathedral - and the thought of them ovulating made me feel quite sick. Their fertility was obvious, and could be felt from a distance. I could almost see the eggs floating around inside them, and it was a horrible image. "That's disgusting," I said to mum. "All of God's creatures are beautiful," she replied. "Whatever," I said, and went to hit on the female zookeeper with the fabulous pair whom I'd spotted earlier.
Artificial ova
These days a woman can have her ova surgically altered to any size, shape or suppleness she wants. Many flat-groined women suffer from low-self-esteem and choose to have their eggs enlarged with silicone or saline implants. The addition of a few extra panty-sizes can really help women get noticed by men, and can make them feel as sexy and womanly as they've always dreamed of being. You can't beat a nice natural egg though. The plastic ones have no wobble, and lack sensitivity.
On the other hand, women can get their ova downsized. Why any sane person would support this I don't know, I think it's a crime against nature. Big reproductive cells are a gift from God! I don't care if you have back pains from having to carry them around all day, or that you're slowly dying of internal desanguination caused by stretched uterine tissues! You look freaking hot! Be thankful for what you got woman.
See Also
| |||||||||||||||||||||||
 Featured Article (read another featured article)
|
Featured version: 5 May 2011 |
| This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. | |