Meringue
(pronounced "Mir-ang-gooey")
“Meringue, you lord?”
“In Soviet Russia, egg whips YOU!!”
Meringue is a co-polymer made from whipped egg whites and caster sugar, resembling hardened shaving cream in its unadulterated form. Early recipes used cream of tartar to improve the rheological properties of meringue; since then numerous doping agents, such as almonds, have been used to produce high-performance meringues.
Invention[edit]
Meringue was invented by chefs at Trinity College, Cambridge in 1966. Like Creme Brulee it was conceived as a use for the prodigious quantities of hot air generated by the Fellows. It had the additional advantage of resembling the blue-rinse haircut popularised by the pin-ups of the day.
The major drawback of meringues as dessert is that overcooking led them to become hard as obsidian - the edges of a finely-crafted meringue could be dangerously sharp.
Military Development[edit]
After a professor quite literally cut his teeth on an overcooked meringue, the British MoD began research into a weaponised form to counter the rising threat of Chinese Fighting Muffins. The ultimate result of this secret program was the development of a compact hand-to-hand throwing weapon, which proved useful by the SAS in close-quarter combat (particularly in dense jungle warfare). The soldiers trained in the use of this unusual weapon therefore came to be known as Meringueotans. Later, a version was developed that would, after delivering its deadly payload, return to the thrower - this was known as a Boomeringue.
During the Cold war, larger versions fired from deck guns were developed for naval use. They were deployed extensively on light twin-hulled vessels known as catameringues, and were also used in submeringues.
End of the line?[edit]
Meringue fell from favour after the "Baked Alaska" incident, in which a military exercise involving a nuclear submeringue resulted in the city of Juneau being buried in a drift of radioactive icing sugar. Following the incident, several Alaskan Mooses confected to the Russian side, leaving Reagan's government with substantial quantities of egg on their face.
Meringue in Scotland[edit]
A young man walking through Glasgow noticed an object he didn't recognise in the window of a baker's shop. So he went in and asked the baker, "Is that a cake or a meringue?" "Ye're quite right, laddie," replied the baker, "It's a cake."
Meringue in England[edit]
The little-known motto "THE TRUTH IS A LEMON MERINGUE", was coined by the successful ex-basketball player and professional apple Friday O'leary of Lamonic Bibber. Being a man of great wisdom, his phrase is not understood deeply and in its full meaning by the common Pleb. It must therefore be shouted loudly in order to convey at least a part of its heroism, preferably in one's local library, weekly yoga class or Roman Catholic church.