Planned Parenthood
A clinic giving away free abortions in return for
a) money
b) reffering freinds to do the same
| Visit http://www.plannedparenthood.com today for yours! |
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Would you like to learn more about abortions? (You would, wouldn't you?)
 At Planned Parenthood, our goal is to provide you with quality free abortions, and a month's worth of condoms, at a reasonable price. We unconditionally guarantee every free abortion we give away for the full amount of purchase! If you're not satisfied, well, there's not too much we can do after the fact. It's sorta irreversible. Here, have some more condoms. These glow in the dark. And hey, no questions asked! And if anyone ever asks, you were never here! How can we do it?Our super-efficient Vac-A-Bort is located in the heart of our high-tech facilities, well within your city limits. Nobody franchises abortions like the 'Hood. Consisting of three unregistered nurses and a small Croatian doctor, each Planned Parenthood can ship up to five fetuses per day directly to a stem cell research facility! Many shipments even include pieces of other shipments! And if anyone ever asks, you were never here! Our customers agree!
 Doug, before receiving his free late-term abortion for, err, medical reasons. It had nothing to do with his parents discovering that he'd be genetically predisposed to Teabagging. Nope, not at all.
Please note that this offer does not apply in most of Africa, all of South America, the upper west side of Malaysia, Pangea, BP-land, Uranus, Middle Earth, or Texas. (Texas has stringent stipulations that prevent abortions, except in the rarest and most severe of situations. However, once you are popped out of the womb, they won't think twice to put your ass down. That's the sanctity of life.) Pleased to note you that the government is not actually giving away abortions or condoms. It is you, the taxpayer, who does that. Does that boil your poodle? To think, you just paid for that escort's ninth abortion this year and supplied enough prophylactics for a million couples to perform the latex lambada. And the gays! They're having protected sex, now! Leave it to them to circumvent AIDS. You know, this country has really gone to the dogs. Why can't my taxes just cover the stuff that matters? How will we ever keep stockpiling nuclear armaments and spreading democracy to all the unfortunate and ugly people of the world if we've gotta keep throwing money at abortions and public school textbooks? It really is ridiculous. Please can't stop noting now that Planned Parenthood does not provide any warranties or other asssurances whatsoever that your once-happy community will not be severely and perhaps irrevocably affected by pointless, petty, nasty, mean-spirited, ugly, emotionally disturbing, vulgar, hateful, divisive, insane, (did we mention "petty" yet?) stupid, incoherent, malicious, cheap, narrow-minded, pusillanimous, despicable, incomprehensible, and seriously gay ad hominem personal attacks regarding the dissemination of information about Planned Parenthood.
Please remember to not note that if you read this article, or even so much as glance at it, you will be blocked from being openly received into the folds of Heaven for indefinitely. During that time, you may go to Hell, or West Heck even, which is surprisingly much more pleasant than imagined. Play with your pet Hitler, have wild sex with your spouse or "someone else's," bake a pie without need of a convection oven, ride the backs of winged demons to that damned hipster hangout, Pandemonium, a nightclub renowned for their "spicy empanadas" and "hatefuck-fueled fantasies of unholy mass copulations around every corner", dive into a pool of molten lava (well, duh), watch yet another tedious episode of Soap beside Robert Guillaume, or even edit Purgatopedia. The purpose of this eternal damnation is to allow Jehovah to teabag your soul, in order to demonstrate His superiority over you at the task of maintaining the appropriate level of sycophancy. If you should be stupid enough to question His almighty judgement, you will probably just be huffed from existence, which would be a shame, really, because Nixon's orgy is tonight and there's a buzz that Satan is bringing the poppers. So just chill the fuck out and enjoy your eternity, lest your energy just return to the void from whence it came and your consciousness fades into the ether. And what fun is being dead if you can't even bitch about it? Should you remain stupid enough to complain after being so thoroughly warned against being stupid enough to complain, you will, in all likelihood, grow to realize that the whole thing was just a sort of long-running, international pyramid scheme preying upon basic mammalian physiological imperatives in the quest for fat cash stacks and thought control. At that point, you might as well just embrace nothingness and be done with the whole thing. For still more highly useful information:Euroipods • Blah, Blah, Blah • Euroipods Crusade • Neuroipods • Euripides • Bluh, Bluh, Bluh
And as if all that wasn't inexplicable enough: |
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