War Machine
"Nice paint job Tony!"
- ~Oscar Wilde on War Machine
"He stole my f'ing suit that bastard!"
- ~Tony Stark on War Machine
"I AM War Machine"
- ~James Rhodes on him being War Machine
"He use ta go by Iro Man we use to have a laugh about it until Hulky got a full blast of repulsors"
- ~Spider-Man on Iro Man
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War Machine (also gone by Iro Man, The Iron Giant, Man Iron, The Iron Handler, Hot Bucket o' Iron, and Iron Nail) is an American astronaut. He is a talented pilot and war monger. Having been friends with Ronald McDonald Rhodes now owns The Moon, and UrAnus. Rhodes is also known for being a copycat.
Movie[edit]
| War Machine | |
| {{{image}}} | |
| Directed by | Jon Favreau |
| Written by | Stan Lee |
| Starring | Don Cheadle |
| Produced by | Steven Speilberg |
| Distributed by | Marvel |
| Release date | March 29,2015 |
| Runtime | 135 min. |
| Language | English |
| Budget | $4 |
| Tagline | "You WILL believe a man can fly!" |
On April 12 of 1964 Stan Lee and Jon Favreau hatched a movie idea. They decided to have a black version of Iron Man. "Well I don't remember the exact details but in the story there's this black, funky haired dude and something happens and he get's a piece of ice shrapnel in his chest. Then he creates a suit, well steals it from that one mustached guy, and becomes Iro Man. At that point Jon said 'Well let's call the movie something different and cool' so I says, I says to him why not. (Laughs) I remember when Cheadle came in for the part, he had horseradish from my eel sandwich fall into his pants" recalls Stan Lee. They began filming on October 31 of 1970, with additions of Robert Downey Jr. making a cameo as some mustached hobo, and Scarlett Johansson as some diseased Mexican vodoo priest. Filming wrapped up 2 months later on July 1 of 2014. The movie first premiered in Bollywood, MA. After that they went to Hollywood to start filming "Iro Man: India". In this spinoff Rhodes is a vegetable that gets a piece of wood in his intestine and is forced to work as a telemarketer.
War Machine[edit]
In the 70s Iro Man straight from his 15 Bollywood "Iro Man: India" films decided it was time to get serious. Iro changed his name to War Machine like his first film. Also instead of Don Cheadle, an unknown named Obama went into the suit. Obama starred in 2 movie sequels and five Disney straight-to-videos. Marvel decided it was time for the comic. This comic was written by: Stan Lee, and Illustrated by: Jack Kirby. This instant hit was titled War Machine: Iro Madness. Soon after they got the Hulk to become War Man the sidekick of War Machine who was now a hobo. War Machine soon became more famous than Iron Man (Ozzy Osbourne). Ozzy went on a drunken rampage and killed Rhodes and Spawn. Rhodes had a permanent death, while the duty of Hellspawn was given to Todd McFarlane its creator. War Machine retired from comics in 1999 after Rhodes' death, Marvel was trying to fing a new 'Machine. Obama quit the soap opera adaptation called "One Life to Die" and its spin-off "General Hostility". Marvel decided that War Machine needn't be in anymore TV or Movies, after the departure of the now "President" Obama. Iron Man was put back on shelves written by: Brian Michael Jackson, and Illustrated by: Frank Miller. DC hearing that Marvel needed a new 'Machine sent sketches of a new hero they were creating that could be a War Machine. "Me am worst for the job. Me hate working for Marvel and me love Iron Man big time! Me am not World's Worst Dectective, or Backward. Me am world's best clone of Batman! Me am not the man named Batzarro," explained Batzarro the replacement for Rhodes.
Me Am NOT War Machine![edit]
Batzarro enjoyed working as War Machine. The only problem was his Bizzaro-Speak. Other than that small disability he was fine. Batzarro survived many critisisms for killing all his enemies stating "ME AM NOT HUNGRY FOR YOUR NECK JUICE". After 20 years of War Machine Marvel sued itself for all its money for the similarity between War Machine and "forgotten" hero Iro Man. Marvel won with a settlemnt of 7 trillion yen. After this legal battle Marvel had just as much money as before even having lost it to itself. In July 4 of 2009 War Machine faced his biggest challenge, Potty Training. Iron Man (Osama) was turned into a baby by <insert name here> and brutally murdered. After this <insert name here> placed the baby on War Machines BatHouse step. Batzarro didn't know what to do with it so he just turned the baby back into Iron Man, potty trained him, and suckled on his "Neck Juices". Iron Man was not grateful at all so he modified his Hunk Hulk-Buster Armor and became The Iro-Maniac. The Iro-Maniac destroyed the War Machine armor, and broke Batzarro's back. Batzarro pulled out the plugs at the back of Iro-Maniac's suit to shut him down. Batz made a new armor called The Iro-War Machine Mach II.IV. This suit had a full body-brace inside, and a urinal with a minty scent. In this new suit 'Machine joined THE AVENGERS.
Avengin' The Avengers[edit]
'Machine came to the Avengers in October 23, 1999 along with Scooby-Doo. War Machine was a hit at the avengers tower as Spider-Man's side-kick and drink holder. After Spidey got shot by his Aunt May after Brand New Day War Machine took his place as resident wall-crawler, sporting web-shooters. War Machine won numberous awards as Sexiest Femalezarro, Coolest President, and Best Supporting Actor/Dog. These awards rocketed War Machine to glory, and to become the next best Spider-Man. War-Spider (As he was now called) became leader of Sector X (The X-Force) after Wolverine went to Japan, AGAIN... 'Spider soon became such a hit that it led to another big-hit movie: War Machine 2: The Sequel That Should Have Happended But We All Know Didn't Because India and Disney Suck. This movie starred Don Cheadle.II, and was made by the folks that made the original movie. This movie, made by Marvel, went against Marvel's wishes of having no more movies of War Machine so they sued themselves again. DC won this battle, but Image took all the money.Stan Lee knew that this marked the end of the "Old War Machine Days", so he wrote Iro Man: From Iron to Spider. This big hit ended God's career as Marvel's editor, and creator, because Stan Lee became the new God of the World.
Death?[edit]
On August 31, 2009 War Machine was run over and killed by Cult of Disney member Lightning McQueen on the day Disney brought Marvel. However two day's later someone wearing the War Machine armour join SHEILD's team, The Ultimates, continuity what the fuck is that.
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