Impotence
Impotence is a form of penile dementia where that key organ refuses to cooperate to achieve one of its two major life functions, though in most cases it will cooperate with the other long before the kidneys are wrecked. Though there are medical explanations for this condition, almost always it is John Henry[1] telling its owner not to push it somewhere it does not belong.
Overview[edit]
The penis has two natural states, pointy and flaccid. Its normal operation involves distinct phases:
- Get pointy, to convince your partner that you are enthused, even though she is mostly giggling and examining that mole near your elbow.
- Stay pointy until they start of the activity that Joe Biden refers to by saying, "You know, the thing!"
- The thing must refrain from completing the activity before the woman says she is satisfied. As in many other activities, she will not communicate but you must know her needs anyway, or else you are disrespecting her.
- But it must complete the activity after a fashionable amount of time.
- Above all, it must not remain pointy and pumping until everything is red and raw.
Clearly, this is all very complicated and there are many failure modes. But the signature failure mode — in contrast to walking down the corridor at Middle School and wanting not to be so damned pointy despite being a few paces behind jiggly Jill — refers to the state where its owner is in a potentially memorable moment and wishes not to be so damned flaccid.
Causes[edit]
There are many causes of impotence. Radical prostatectomy and castration (complete removal of the naughty bits) almost always correlates with inability to get it them up. As correct function is usually the result of experiencing arousing thoughts, total lobotomy sometimes also correlates with impotence. Wikipedia lists other lifestyle choices that may lead to this and other bad outcomes. These include smoking, eating meat, using non-union labor, and disparaging liberals.
Being older than 40 years is itself a risk factor for impotence, but scientists disagree whether this is a result of aging, or the many bodily malfunctions that accompany aging, or turning gross and repulsive, or having the missus turn gross and repulsive.
Riding a bicycle increases one's chances of impotence by about 1.7 times. Scientists attribute this to encountering neighbors who are gross and repulsive, as well as obsessive-compulsive bicyclists wearing Speedos and aerodynamic helmets and getting so many foxy chicks as to make the newbie feel gross and repulsive.
Concern has arisen lately, mostly in the Texas House of Representatives, that use of pornography may cause impotence. In 2015, Belgian professor Gunter de Win conducted a review of the literature. He found the specimens supple, tanned, and vigorous, but eventually covered by stains. He concluded that the pornography user may view himself as underendowed and/or producing a "puny dribble", especially on the sixth or seventh go, two opinions that could weaken his libido.
Finally, there are iatrogenic causes of impotentia coeundi; notably, having a doctor who uses words you have never heard of, to appear so much smarter than you as to possibly merit that $300 for a 15-minute consultation.
Psychological impact[edit]
Wikipedia tells us that impotence often has an impact on the emotional well-being of both men and their partners. Otherwise, we would not have known that. Also that many men are too embarrassed to seek treatment and may eschew treatment at all.
The Wikipedia article is one of the few remaining that refers to "men" to the exclusion of trans-men and inappropriately associates men with having a penis. However, by the time the reader consults it, it is likely to be corrected and have new sections advising tomboys and butch women on maintaining their erections.
Despite their embarrassment, the patient may enter Impotents Anonymous, go up to the stage and confess their impotence, and enter a twelve-step program with which to recover their vitality. The patient may also go into the city and seek treatment in its red-light district, in which the women are more arousing, for a price.
Diagnosis and cure[edit]
The physician first seeks to distinguish between physiological and psychological impotence, to answer the question, Is it all in your head? or the other head? In the patient's first $300 consultation, he is advised to wrap a ring of postage stamps around the penis before bedtime and see if a night-time erection tears the ring. However, if the patient could get down there to lick the stamps, he might devise his own cure.
In addition, the physician advises the patient to engage in manual stimulation which, if successful, will be evidence that he is fabricating his complaint, though he will still owe the $300. On the other hand, it may be that the physician is jerking him off.
Physicians often find a previously undetected hernia, and repair restores normal penis function. In addition, a quadruple heart bypass might not cure impotence, but it is good for hundreds of billable hours.
Once it is established that there is a mechanical problem, the physician becomes a bank examiner and determines whether the problem is insufficient deposits or excessive withdrawals. This is simple arithmetic. Ultrasonography with Doppler can be used to examine blood flow. However, the patient would have to thrust at speeds approaching the speed of sound to trigger the Doppler effect.[2] For older patients using slow, soulful strokes, the physician may elect to use the Dribbler effect.
Impotence that has a mechanical cause can be remedied using a variety of medicines, physical devices, injections, and shockwave therapy. All of these correlate with a significant improvement of the IIEF (International Index of Erectile Function), on which Scandinavian nations always score highest. Becoming African-American — typically, with blackface — is another way to ensure that no one ever questions your endowment.
In modern culture[edit]
- Fonzie in television's Happy Days was obviously overcompensating for chronic impotence.
- Coverage of current events on MSNBC is also really limp.