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York (Aerial view).jpg
Motto: Bring wellies, and a wallet.
Settlement Type City
State North Yorkshire
Country England
Official nickname Chocolate City (seriously)
Official language(s) Varying standards of English
Established 71 AD
Hours of Operation Weekends and bank holidays
Population 197,800

York, also known as Old York or Ol' Smokey, is an English city located at the junction of the river Foss and the river Ouse. The city has been hailed as the capital of the North of England, though others have referred to it as "the Venice of the north" due to its historical buildings and the fact that it always seems to be flooded.

York is famous for having a large railway station and railway museum, an utterly inaccessible city centre and for its chocolate history. There are also around 17 different museums in the city, as well as a cathedral that's not called a cathedral, and quite a few shops. There is also a shop masquerading as a museum in the King's Square, which sells chocolate, a reference to York's history as it contained chocolate factories for Terry's, Rowntrees and an evil corporation. The evil corporation factory is still working, having bought Rowntrees.


Early History[edit]

York first appears in historical texts following Roman occupation circa 71 AD. The city was there before then but nobody thought to write anything down to explain what they were up to. It is well-known that, during the construction of York, the Romans used to boast to each other, in their very loud and annoying accents, about how much better Rome is than England or, indeed, the rest of the world. The same is true of Lancastrians talking about Manchester compared to the rest of the world.

Between the departure of the Romans in 400 AD and the arrival of William the Conqueror in 1068 York occupied itself by alternately rebelling and then drowning in bi-annual flooding. On arriving in York William the Conqueror upon the idea of building flood defences and executing the unruly peasants, thus killing two birds with a single trebuchet.

Vikings have also been an important part of the city's history, and an article about York can't not mention them. So: Vikings.

York was meant to receive its charter in 1212, however the Tory government of the time pushed this back to 1217, then 1221. Work on the charter was then postponed, before being re-started in 1218 at an additional cost of over 25000 sheep to the taxpayer.

Modern York[edit]

Modern York is rather like New York barring size and population size. The main areas of employment in modern day York are:

  • Cycling in an inconsiderate fashion
  • Bus Driving
  • Tour Guide
  • Train driving

York does have many tourists, but there are also lots of locals, who are generally not Tories. The locals are nice, and willing to poke fun at themselves (you'd have to be if York City was your local football team) and the city in general; the annual rubbish performed at Christmas at the York Theatre Royal does not contain any soap stars (they wouldn't travel by train so just get stuck going round and round the ring road) but real people. The funniest phenomenon in God's Own County is best for locals as performances contain plenty of in-jokes, one of which in a recent performance referenced the city's mighty neighbour, the metropolis of Acomb which now contains only one butchers (there's no demand for dead pigs up here, Dave!).

The most notorious part of York is its only ugly building, which is really ugly, the Stonebow House. It looks like a cloud projectile-vomited concrete over the Pavement area and should really have been blown up by now.

Education in York[edit]

York is home to several top quality educational institutes: The railway station, the train museum and the other train museum. There are a number of schools based in the city as well.

The University of York has several thousand students from the UK and abroad, all of whom seem to be enrolled on the 'History of Art' course.

Students from York's other, smaller university; York St John's University are allowed to have have their graduation ceremony in York Minster, needless to say there isn't usually much call for the minster's services in this regard, but it's there just in case a graduate does sneak through.

Entertainment in York[edit]

One of York's claims to fame is its Cathedral Minster, which is the second most important diocese in England. It also has around 200 different visitor attractions, several shops merely masquerading as museums, a good range of independent shops, a good range of high street shops, 5 or 6 shopping centres and a few outlets dedicated to 'retail therapy'.

York's National Railway Museum contains the largest collection of preserved trains in the UK. There's also the Yorkshire Museum, the Art Gallery, the Chocolate shop museum, the Jorvik Centre, the Castle museum, Clifford's Tower, York Dungeon, the Yorkshire Wheel, the Barley Hall, the Guildhall, York Cold War Bunker, the Richard III Experience, the City Walls, the Micklegate Bar, the Model Railway Museum (now in Lincolnshire) and the Quilt Museum (closed on Hallowe'en 2015).

Road and Transport Infrastructure[edit]

York is served by a large number of roads, but the inner city is mostly pedestrianised, a legacy of the city's original medieval building plan. This renders the inner city impassable to any vehicle larger than a wheelbarrow.

York made national news headlines in late 2012 when a large M&S lorry ended up stuck under Micklegate Bar, rendering the centre of York even less accessible than normal.

York has been a railway centre since the beginning of the railway age in Britain. And 'age' is an appropriate word to describe train services in the north of England in general. Most trains are from the 1980s and run slow, stopping services to places like Bradford and The People's Republic of Hull. However, express trains run by Beardie operate fairly frequently and quickly to London, Scotland and that sleepy suburb of Sunderland, Newcastle. The station is also notable in that while it successfully houses 11 platforms and 100 members of staff, it only has parking for 10 cars and a coffee shop which can only comfortably accommodate 5 people.

See also[edit]

Yorkshire — God's Oan Counteh
Yorksha puddin.jpg York | Barnsley | Conisbrough | Doncaster | Halifax | Harrogate | Helmsley | Huddersfield | Hull | Keighley | Leeds | Morley | Northallerton | Rotherham | Scalby | Scarborough | Sheffield | Skipton | Wakefield | Whitby
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