Conisbrough
 Metropolitan borough - Doncaster |
Conisbrough (colloquially, Cunny) is a small town midway between the crap hole of Doncaster and Rotherham in Yorkshire, England.
History[edit]
Conisbrough was invented by the Saxon noble Ivanhoe in 1194. Lord Ivanhoe fell in love with the Norman King, Darth Vader’s only daughter Evil Lynn, much to the despair of his father. Ivanhoe accompanied King Richard I to the Crusades, where he single handedly beat the French at the Siege of the Hundred Acre Wood. Upon his deathbed, Lord Ivanhoe searched the lands for a worthy heir as none of his 300 wives gave him a son. By freak coincidence, Ivanhoe came across a new born baby hidden in the long grass by the river Don. Upon gazing on that child he gave it a name, Tony Christie. The life and actions of this child were to become legendary and so was the town’s anthem “Is this the way to Amarillo”.
Conisbrough also has the only real land mark visible from space, Conisbrough Castle. It is dominated by the 970 ft high circular keep, which is supported by six buttmunchers. In the mid-1990s, the keep was restored, with a wooden roof and two floors being rebuilt. However, these were destroyed during a freak electrical storm in 2004. 2 Chavs were mysteriously disintegrated whist attempting to drink cans of lager and listen to “We are the children of the night” on the castle roof. It is believed to have been the work of the ghost of the "White Lady". She has been causing much mischief in the town after she was murdered by being pushed over the edge of the castle keep.
Conisbrough contains what is believed to be the oldest building in the south of Yorkshire. Many believe it to be the 8th century Anglo-Saxon St Peter's Church. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact the oldest building is the urine tainted bus stop opposite the Star pub on Sheffield road. Archeologists have uncovered numerous markings and scribes such as “Daza woz ere, Ere Daza woz, Woz Daza ere, Cors e woz” which they believe date back to the Stone Age.
Earth Centre[edit]
In the mid-1990s, a new eco-tourist attraction, Earth Centre, opened on the nearby site of the former Cadeby Main Colliery; it closed in 2005 after failing to attract the expected number of visitors. Also because it was the biggest pile of crap to have been invented, after brown sauce. This eco-theme park was inspired by Jules Verne’s true story, Journey to the Centre of the Earth, a step-by-step guide that gave detailed instructions on how to successfully scale the inside of a volcano, with an appendix describing how to act around prehistoric animals.
In the book, Mr Verne and his nephew Verne Troyer start their journey in Iceland. However, this was proven to be false as the first Iceland did not open until 1970, and there is not a single mention of mother-of-the-year Kerry Katona in the entire book. In fact, the true location was the second sunken shaft at the then-named Cadeby Main Colliery. The two Vernes then surfaced in Italy. Whilst making their escape from the earth’s core, they tunneled under the famous tower at Pisa, a severe engineering error then led to the escape tunnel collapsing directly under one side of the towers foundation's, causing it to take on its signature lean. This accident was the final straw for Verne senior and he quickly left his younger smaller family member on the doorstep of criminal mastermind Dr Evil.
Education[edit]
Conisbrough has only one secondary school, Northcliffe School for the retarded. A scheme to turn Northcliffe into an Academy was scrapped after protests by parents and staff, despite the enthusiastic backing of Lord Christie. One parent was quoted as saying “Tha cant teach these ere kids, luk at em, ther as bright as a two wat bulb a tell thi”. The palns have now changed and up on top of the crags sits the lagest warren of rabbits in the world Northcliffe School is twinned with Twin Peaks High School in Washington State USA. The two schools enjoyed a successful exchange program during the late 80’s and very early 90’s. This was until figurehead of youthful innocence and homecoming queen Laura Palmer was murdered shortly after returning from Northcliffe. FBI Agent Dale Cooper, head of the murder investigation, reported that on her return, she had become obsessed with her below American average weight of 250lbs. Cooper said, ‘Laura was a healthy thin girl and all the boys in the town took liking to her slender figure”. The case is still ongoing.as a student in the 70s n 80s we held are school reunion in strangeways,as there where more in than out. some of conisbroughs young couldnt get into Northcliffe and had to travel to Donny to St Caths.
Train station[edit]
Conisbrough railway station is only just located in the town itself. Whilst it was being designed in the early 1840’s the inhabitants of the neighboring village, Denaby Main, tried to claim the station for themselves. After squashing a small rebellion Denaby force, the South Yorkshire Death Squad systematically rounded up every male between the age of 18 and 65 and executed them along the station’s platform. This is thought to be the origins of the liking of boys younger men by the village’s women, which is still practiced to this very day.
In April 1993 the station received new signing as part of a general clean up and was equipped with ramps to give disabled access to the Doncaster-bound platform. This however, was a complete waste of time as the troll living under the crossing bridge, refused to allow them access, stating that vibrations caused by the wheelchairs ruined his sleep. The new signs gave the spelling of the name as "Conisborough", however, these were replaced by 21st May with the spelling corrected to “Cunny” after a week long sit down protest by the fundamentalist group “The old widows of Conisbrough cricketers”.
Night life[edit]
There are a number of local pubs clubs and eateries in the town, ranging form the bizarre to the downright dangerous. Why not go for a taste of Amsterdam in the Eagle & Child? Light your joint and gulp from a cold pint of Grolsch, while listening to the very best of Madness. For a more up-market experience you can go for a traditional Sunday lunch at the Lord Conyers Hotel, as long as you are willing to pay over the odds for flat beer and "Aunt Bessies" defrosted Yorkshire puddings. There is a traditional "train station waiting room" interior feel to the Station Hotel Pub, probably because the beer garden is platform 1 of the train station.
You can also spend an evening with the Chavs at The Alma. Live entertainment is free for all, as long as you are willing to fight some scruffy little rat with tattoos on his neck. If grinding it out on the dancefloor is your thing, then The Fox would be the the destination for you. But its gone nar. To have any chance to be appealing to the 45 year old female clientele, who are on the hunt for sex over the bins, it is essential to arrive dressed as a drug dealer chav. To increase your chances from extremely high to dead certainty, arrival on a BMX wearing a small ruck-sack, pretending to be constantly making small-time cocaine deals on a smartphone has proved the most effective strategy.
If you are of the older generation, the town's clubs are the destination for you, one example being The Castle Club. From here you can watch weekly turns, such as failed pop bands A1 and 911, before breaking for a well earned bop to Agadoo or relax with a game of biddy bingo. For another change of scenery you can do exactly the same at The Ivanhoe Club or The Red Lion were you can pitch up at the well of Ayingerbrau. You can also spend your hard earned cash in The Talisman, a half pub half Bangladeshi restaurant or the The Hilltop Hotel , that are half pubs half falling down.
