Scarborough

Local upstart

“I hope they do not ban speedo swim trunks from the south bay, ive only just bought some new binoculors”

~ Gary Glitter on a big hill overlooking Scarborough.

“The wildlife is wonderful, I love to touch the cattle”

~ Beastiality Boy on Scarborough.

“Business is booming”

~ Local Scarborian Undertaker.

Scarborough is a large outdoor retirement complex on the North East Coast of England. Its name derives from Anglo-Saxon scar, translating as the elderly, and borough as detention centre. Although the original date of Scarborough's creation is unknown, local folklore suggests it was a place created by God for the elderly to cause uncontrollable chaos, without disrupting the everday life of normal people.

Population

• Approximately 1.7 billion of the world's 2 billion OAPs (over-aged paedophiles).
• Some dogs, mostly small yappy ones that travel around town in old ladies' shopping trolleys.
• Pigeons.
• Seagulls who defecate on cars.
• People with 9.5 UCAS points.
• The Scarborough Royal Family - the royalty of Scarborough are members of the council who, once elected by the people of Scarborough, decide they have no interest in lowly people.
• Many younger people have managed to get permission to live in this complex for the elderly by taking early retirement immediately after leaving school. This loophole has proved to be both effective and exceedingly popular.

Places of interest

• The grand hotel, which as we speak is housing 50,000 OAPs who are given piss bags because they can't be arsed to get out of their stinky, once-white-but-now-yellow beds.
• The Sea. It's big and wet.
• Town Centre. The part of the town from Westborough to Aberdeen Walk, commonly known as the Town Centre, is one of the best places to catch more glimpses than the average upstanding citizen would be comfortable with of Scarborough Man. Scarborough Man can be identified by his attire; worn-out trainers, shell-suit or track-suit bottoms (more commonly than not with one hand permanently down the front of them, leaving the free hand to carry the status symbol of a can of cheap lager), and a silly hat. The best time of day to spot (or avoid) Scarborough Man would be during the open hours of the Job Centre; a favourite meeting place, though don't expect to catch him too early on a morning. Scarborough Man isn't an early riser. Plantation Hill is another haunt of Scarborough Man and it is here, and perhaps also West Square, that (should the weather be nice) there is an increased chance of finding Scarborough Man and his partner (who, although similarly dressed, is easily distinguishable from her mate on account of her extensive facial bruising) as they perform their mating ritual in broad daylight.

Industry

As all of the people in Scarborough are retired, the number of industries are minimal. However, many Chavs commute from the distant lands of Filey and Whitby to work in the businesses along the promenade. These include ice cream bars, fish and chip restaurants and gift shops. The service quality is fairly low, as you would expect.

Fishing is the other major industry and its success stems from the bait used, which is collected locally. The rotting faeces of the elderly collect in huge piles along the sides of roads and paths, and these are gathered frequently by fishermen and used as bait. Scientific research suggests the molecular structure of the faeces is extremely attractive to marine life.

Another noticeable industry on the rise in Scarborough is Charity Shops, probably originating from the fact that when these old buggers FINALLY die their clothes can be tossed into a charity shop where a chav will buy them if they meet two strict criteria - they must offer value for money and must already smell of smoke, so they do not have to spend 8 months truanting from school trying to get the "just got lung cancer" smell into their clothes.

Facts About Scarborough

• The average age of a Scarborough resident is 86. This is higher than any other of the retirement complexes, comfortably beating former champions Morecambe and Eastbourne.
• Scarborough has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in the world with almost 192,000 desperate sluts.
• Scarborough is gay.
• Jimmy Savile, creator of chavs, is a resident of Scarborough.
• Scarborough is visible from space, made possible thanks to gleam of sun tan lotion on the skin of the old people.
• Scarborough has an annual "Kick the Mugger" parade, where a convicted criminal is chased down and "kicked" ferociously until a paradigm of humiliation is reached.
• There is a Scarborough in Canada, but instead of chavs it has arseholes.
• There is a Scarborough in Western Australia, but instead of chavs or arseholes, it has bogan sluts.