Skipton

The castle prior to its capture and incarceration next to Wholly Trinity Church, Skipton

Skipton, known as The Venice of the North and Paris for Sheep, is a town in North Yorkshire. It is most commonly known as the "Gateway to the Dales" and exists as a barrier between tourists and the likes of Dale Winton, Dale Earnhardt, Dale Carnegie and Daley Thompson.

Skipton is recorded as being round in the Domes-day Book of 1086. It was important during the Fourth English Civil War of 1983 and was the site of a Prisoner of Phwoarrr Camp during the First Page 3 Girl War.

The name Skipton is derived from the Old English "Skip Town" due to it being the legendary origin of all Skips. Skipton is the administrative capital of Craven, the land of all people who are shallow, cowardly and ne'er-do-well, though there is a fierce rivalry between the town and Keefleh.

Geography

Any rivalry between Skipton and Harrogate is precluded by an impenetrable range of Blubberhouses. The only pass across is guarded by the Royal Air Force at Menwith Guns.

This town in the 'West Riding' on the River Aire, as well as the Canal Methane, northwest of Bradford and west of York. At the 2011 Census, Skipton had a population of 14,623, though it is unknown whether those taking the census were counting people or sheep. Horse riders who prefer to ride in other compass directions, or on more solid substances than air, should avoid the area.

Government

Skipton is in the Skipton and Ripton rhyming parliamentary constituency and has faithfully voted Tory. Before 1983, Skipton had a Skipton constituency, but that made too much sense. Its seat is currently sat in by Julian Smith MP, who is required by local statute to sit in that seat in Skipton Leisure Centre every Saturday between 3pm and 4:45pm.

Skipton forms part of Craven District and is home of the offices of Craven Council, right next door to the Dastard Council and the Council of Poultroons.

Skipton has its own town Council consisting of 16 Councillors, with 4 members for each of the compass points, who also represent constituents if they are very lucky or very polite. The councillors elect a mayor each year, currently Gordon Bell, commemorated by the renaming of a neighbourhood as Bell End. Council Offices are directly above Barclay's Bank, and deposit of cheques is achieved by laundry chute.

Economy

Skipton attracts numerous shoppers, particularly on the four days when the street market is open (Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday). Streets from all over the world are available to buy and sell, along with the businesses offering to build houses and hotels. "Go square" is another popular economic destination for people passing.

On the other three days of a week, it attracts mostly numerous loiterers, not unlike Flint, Michigan all week. In 2008 the Academy of Haggling voted that, if Skipton's High Street were not the best shopping spot in Britain, it was surely the highest. Main Street used to host the sheep market, but now livestock is auctioned on the west end, a perverse and unsuccessful attempt, given the prevailing winds, to avoid a barnyard aroma in the business district.

Ice-cream farming is the major economic activity of the area, courtesy of Buffalo Bill's Ice Cream Parlour.

In March 2014 The Sunday Times judged Skipton to be the "best place to leave", owing primarily to the annoyingly high-pitched ‘buzzing’ high street.

Education

The majority of education in Skipton takes place at Skipton Castle. A token secondary school education in available in Skipton, but is divided on the basis of gender, with females attending Skiptons' Girls School and Ermys attending Ermysted Grammar School.

Tertiary eduction is available at Craven College, where Headmaster Dick Dastardly educates adults in the Craven Ways. The various athletic teams are nicknamed the Cowards and engage in competition with other recreants.

Sport

Skipton Cowards Rugby Union club, who excel in running away from anyone chasing them, were national champions from 1943 to 1955.

Religion

The High Priestess of Wholly Trinity Church insists that the Holy Spirit receives equal prayers to God and the Big JC (pictured). Residents are flogged in the High Street unless they worship the Whole Trinity. This is predominantly achieved through the services of the multiple ale houses on Skipton High Street where patrons are, willingly or not, served Morrison's finest "Morrinov" Vodka, "Clan Morrison" Whisky and "Morrigins" Gin, all personally blessed by Saint Kimberley Walsh.

Culture

The cultural highlight of Skipton's year is the International Sock Puppet show, where politicians come to town and compete on who has the most genuine "grass-roots" supporters, whose limousines and mini-vans are parked in a hay field on the edge of town. Popular events include the "Disguised voice phone-in on radio 5" contests.